So I’ve just broken up with my girfriend of 2 and half years and I’m devastated; I’m heartbroken.
all I can think is I’m too blame, I wish I cared more for her when we were together. Instead I’m sitting here contemplating stupid things.
I’ve been such an idiot. I want her back I need her.
Riddle me this: Why does my father think my mother is too blame for my insanity or the fact my brother can’t find a job? He says the reason “we don’t do anything is because our mother babied us too much” and that caused me to become apathetic how exactly? He is the one that thinks beating us would’ve helped… Normally, a mother’s gentleness should’ve translated to me wanting to help others. Instead, I want to watch them burn.
I can’t even fake “normalcy” anymore. I can’t even force myself to give the illusion that I care about my studies. I’m done with pretending. It’s time […]
I’m sorry for the demon I’ve become.
You should be sorry for the angel you are not.
I wonder how its gonna be when I don’t wake up.
Some words when spoken can’t be taken back.
I’m becoming more and more comfortable with the idea.
Everything is ready. Except for my family. I don’t want any one to miss me. Not like they will anyway. If I was still jumping, this would be so much easier. Blame it on a chute failure. Pour me from my boots and into a grave.
Now the biggest enemy I face is myself. I’ve got a fairly reliable method for self-disposal. […]
Things won’t get better for me
They never will
Failure breaks a person
Pain keeps you in pieces
I have no other options
No where to go, no where to stay
All I feel is fear
Fear of others, fear of pain
Life is an uphill run
And everyone drags you down
Rake their nails in to your bare skin
And use your head as a step
But still there’s a serene feeling
When your lying sprawled on the ground
At the bottom of the hill
Some people blame themselves after failure
Some people blame the world
This is a place I’m not wanted
Nor […]
My life and mindset changed irrevocably 29 months ago. i don’t really remember how!
i don’t write diary so idk, and don’t really remember anything before these two and half years.
i just remember that i was okay, maybe “happy”, just another one. anyways.
jan 2014, i decided that i can’t enter my high school finals exams cause i was afraid of not doing good and can’t go to the college that i always wanted. somehow my i drifted apart from my best “friends” and locked myself in my room for the rest of the year, about 6 months in my room alone.
my parents work all the time, […]
The friend I got to know with a mutual fetish and I ended up really liking beyond. I don’t know what kind of relationship it was. More then a platonic friendship, yet no serious commintment.
I guess it is my fault that I love him. Him for showing me something caring, sensual and loving without wanting to get into my pants.
He broke it to me a week ago. When we saw us first and had a lovely day together and wanting to repeat it some time later he actually saw another one. A real, biological woman and not just some wannabe.
He said he was sorry that he lied to […]
I don’t hate you, I promise. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just don’t know why I keep pushing you away maybe you’re just too nice. It’s been so long since I’ve had real emotions and you brought that out and now I’m scared. My dark thoughts visit me while I’m lying in bed, hoping I don’t wake up the next morning but for a while now it’s thoughts about you that whisper in my ear before I sleep. I know how much I hurt you this past week and you probably hate me. I don’t even blame you. I’m not even sure […]
Hello again. I’m glad that there were so many welcoming comments. I think I will start to post daily now, just to feel better. You know what I find funny? How open you can be with strangers. Often I throw out random hypothetical scenarios to people to see what they would say. “If there was a five grenades on the table and only one was live, what would it take to make you pull a single pin?” Often I would get answers like all the money in the world or all the knowledge in the world. When they would ask me I would say maybe […]
I can’t handle this abuse I get from you anymore I’ve had enough you pick at me, you yell, you scream. Call me names do your worst punch me, kick me, slap me. It’s nothing I’m not use to. You always deprived me of my bed whenever you were angry at me made me sleep in the hallway sometimes the bathroom even in the garage. You punish me because of what others do to you. You have no guts to stand up to them yet what you do to me is what you should do to them but what you do and how you treat […]
a lot of things are going wrong but i can’t blame anyone but myself for all that. it’s amazing how close to peace i feel when i contemplate killing myself. “why not do it today?” is a thought that crosses my mind almost daily, today being no exception. i should just do it. get it over with. stop thinking so hard about plans and letters and waiting for a day when everyone’s out of the house. i don’t care anymore. why waste any more time? i should just do it today.
what a day. Humiliated at work and made to feel like a child, hours later I was basically told by the boss to find another job, then about an hour ago somebody nearly ran me over because they reversed without checking behind them and then decided to blame me for it. Definitely feel like I could drink myself into suicide tonight.
As I try to remember the sound of your voice
I can’t help but wonder if we made the right choice
To let go the special bond that we used to have
To say goodbye to times that made us laugh
Now I sit here alone with guilt and regret
Tortured by the past that I cannot forget
Tormented by overwhelming misery
While Looking back at my decisions bitterly
I know we decided to go apart
But doing so shattered my heart
I have been trying to put it back together
But the important pieces are lost forever
Our lives will now never be the same
All this I have myself to blame
Unable to hold on what matters […]
My best friend recently quit university and went to rehab because of her depression/social anxiety. I wish I had the ability to just do that, I wish I had parents who took me seriously. Then again, I can’t blame them, since I have a brother who fought epilepsy for years and is still recovering. They already have one problematic child to take care of. I have to just shut up, I guess.
Also, my best friend isn’t answering my messages, or anyone’s for that matter. I have lost the only person that helped me get through my darkest times. There’s no one else to trust.
A few days ago I got an awful call… My best friend called me to tell me one of our good friends committed suicide. I literally broke down. I know what its like to be at the brink and feel so damn lonely but i just couldnt believe he was gone. He talked a few years ago about him planning to hang himself one night at school and one of his roommates walked in before he had the chance to actually go through with it, and they talked and he decided he wasnt ready…. i wish someone walked him on him this time. if i […]
My guilty sentiments are very vulnerable.
Everything makes me feel guilty.
From the smallest things like knocking over a pencil,
To blaming myself for the Holocaust,
I don’t kid.
I am burdened with my own blame. My own Guilt.
Everything makes me guilty.
I am the cause of everything bad and I deserve to die horribly.
What the most recent experience? Take ten seconds ago. A peer at my school e-mailed me asking what questions we had to do for class. I wish I wrote down her parts on my paper, not just mine. But I only wrote my parts, because its only my responsibility, right?
Wrong.
I’m a selfish bastard who only considered myself […]
I used to have many friends, all who would talk to me and lift me up through the deep/hard parts of life. But they keep walking away from me, as if I am not worth their time anymore. I do not blame them because I would walk away from me too if I could. I just wish I had more people in my life who actually cared about me and not themselves or their own person interests. For once, I want someone who will ask me how I am doing and keep talking to me even when I am down.
But the world is a cruel […]
The date is January 19th, 2016. I scroll through my email folders looking for old emails to delete and I come across a strange message saved in the bottom of a website folder.
[the suicide project]
Memories flooded back to me instantly. I log on and see that I’m an enigma. Just one draft from November 26th, 2013.
“Just don’t worry.”11/26/2013
I can’t help it. My brain is defective.
My name is Ashley. At the time of joining this website I was 18 years old and suffering through the worst depression that I had ever endured. The DEPO birth control shot was to blame, of course, but that just made […]
How easy it is to feel badly. To let yourself go into that place
When you want so much, but have so little motivation.
You begin to blame yourself. Maybe others. Maybe a combination, that it began with them but now it’s just you.
And I should probably just be saying I, because it might not be relevant to you.
I can’t succeed. Most of me doesn’t want to, and everyday I tell myself today doesn’t matter, because tomorrow I will make myself not be here. I will make myself irrelevant. I will kill myself. But tomorrow comes, and I haven’t.
I’ve become addicted to procrastination. Sex. Love. […]
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