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My Experience with Borderline Personality Disorder

by sisterofnight

Hey. For starters, I’m 18. As soon as I turned 18 I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s the youngest you can be with this diagnosis. I grew up in a stable house hold, with stable parents, and 2 stable older brothers. Where the hell I came from is beyond me. From an early age I showed signs of isolation and poor self esteem. In the 6th grade I wrote a letter regarding how depressed I was to my teacher. No action was taken.

Even as I type this, I feel no attachment to my past. I feel no connection to the daily self harm that consumed (and continues to influence me) for years. I hardly remember my times in the psych hospitals, times that I was forced to drop out of high school temporarily for overdosing on blood pressure medication. Being doped up on psych meds like it aint no thang.

Now when I say I feel no attachment to this, I wish I could say it was a positive thing to say. That I am so happy with my life now that I have completely forgotten what it was like to be suicidal, to hate myself and this existence.

No, in fact, what I am saying is, I go in and out of feeling like one goes in and out of a swimming pool. One minute I’m screaming that I’m done with this world and I hate not being normal. Slamming the door only to throw myself onto my bed. I’m so paranoid of attachment. And then there’s the times where I stare at the wall. No thoughts pass through my mind, let alone emotion. I don’t give a fuck.I don’t care about anyone but my own self protection from others that ruins my relationships with everyone around me.  I feel like a void upon this earth. A black hole sucking up oxygen that has better uses than filling my lungs. And sometimes it’s worse. I have disassociation episodes where I see black spots in my vision and my eyelids ache and my mind shuts down completely. But when I bounce back from it, it’s like it never happened.

I hate the fact that a fucked up being like me exists. I wish I had never been born, been thrust into this world, a person who doesn’t belong here. I’m a university drop out, a failure in the eyes of many as I bounce back and forth between jobs and living situations. I have one stable friendship. My parents hate the pain I cause them everyday with my selfish, self preserving nature. I hope I get hit by a bus.

But hey. Like I tell everyone.

“I’m fine”

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3 comments

muspelhem 5/15/2018 - 7:49 am

I’m sorry you feel that way. I have found it useful to practise distinguishing between what is genuinely my fault, and what isn’t. I tend to get them mixed up. I feel like you are also taking on a lot of blame for something which, for all we know, you may have been born with. From what I have read, the prognosis for borderline is quite good. People often grow out of it.

Is it your opinion that it’s the medication numbing you/affecting your moods, or your… I hesitate to call it a “disorder” . . . let’s say your personality?

sisterofnight 5/15/2018 - 2:26 pm

Hey, thanks for commenting, I really appreciate it. Yeah I have always wondered if my medication plays a factor in it, but it’s hard because if I were to change suddenly I don’t even know what would happen. It’s a weird balance but I do have an appt with my psychiatrist tomorrow and Im building up the courage to say I dont think this is working for me. Youre also right about what is my fault. I feel like such a bad person.
Thank you again though. xoxo

muspelhem 5/16/2018 - 6:50 am

I see what you mean. I personally spent a year coming off medication, very slowly. I was on it for nine years, have been off for three, and am still adapting. And I’m not even going to say that it was uniformly bad, just that I believe more in doing things this way (the hard way), that maybe that seems healthier to me.

Another thing: I think it can be helpful to try to distinguish between actions and identities. Even if someone does something bad, does that make them bad? What if they have also done good things?

Anyway, take care, and good luck!

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