I dont understand why i hate myself to where i want to die. Somehow i envy the dead. Theyre so peacful and here are us. Walking about in agony and such sadness. Why cant things be better? Why do I try so hard and end up going no where or being the fifth wheel? what am i meant for besides being a total failure?
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cant
Incase you couldn’t tell that was sarcasm. Its not even noon yet and I am already being bitched at by people. being blamed for every single little fucking thing. I seriously cant wait to be at school again . Living alone is much better than dealing with drama and suicidal thoughts this early in the morning. not by much but regardless its better than nothing. I already added some new scars that should calm me down and hold me over for a while emotionally till i need to do it again. I swear I am sometimes too emotional and kindhearted for my own good. Why […]
I think about how life can be. And to tell you mylife story its going to be a hell of a ride.
it began when i was only 6 yrs of age n my brother interfer with me. N wen i was 10 my father die. 13yrs my two sisters die n my mum die wen i was 15. But it didnt stop there my bother keeps on interfering with me until i was 17 n pregant . Then i ran away from bein abuse but he found me n beat me. Wen i make my girl child i was scared of what he might do. […]
I would trade no ones shoes to swap suicidal scenarios. I can imagine they are all just as bad as each other. Mental pain, physical pain, no matter what it is. Torment and pain beyond what most of us are capable of handling. How did i get to this place and scenario. Anyone ever youtubed what its like being a schizophrenic.. Its fun for the first ten seconds or when youre on a high then its depressing, scary, obtrusive, crazy and intruding.
Im schizophrenic almost every second of the day and meds do jack shit unless you want to be zombified do you.. No.
Ive heard shit […]
one time my brother told me a joke I laughed to tears then he told me the joke again and I laughed a little less then he kept telling the joke over and over again and I stopped laughing and he said why cant you laugh at the same joke over and over again if u can cry about the same person over and over again?
I want to die, now or tomorow I don’t really care when but as soon as possible, please.
I’ve wanted this for so long now… but i just cant bring myself to do it. I’ve planned it out, and it seems so simple and quick, but i just cant do it. I want to die…but at the same time I don’t. I still have things I wanna have the opportunity to accomplish. However some of these things will take a really long time to do, and i just don’t want to wait because meanwhile I’ll just feel sadness and pain… I don’t want those feelings anymore.
What […]
I was watching tv had a couple of laughs then went back to my usual depression when i rembered that i am alone and always been. Cant even sleep cus my own thoughts betray and remind that i am alone and reminding to never dare to hope because it will only lead to more self hate and to more suicidal plans that i try to get rid off but i just cant because its the only way to “get out” of my life. I used to think i could escape into my dreams and forget about my reality at least for a while but that […]
I’m not really sure what my last post was cuz I am having to write these as they come to me on a word processor and then copy and paste them when I do have internet access. It has its ups and downs. I can’t get distracted by pop ups and the curiosity of social media and all of that meaningless mind wasting junk that it can be. I find that if I can get caught up in all of that it ends up becoming some sort of drama filled b.s. game and I’d rather sit back and and watch then participate in any […]
Never occurred to me I could be in a world with so many people and yet feel so alone. Used to think talking would help. It did. But then i lived long enough to grow up. Talking is a waste of time and i dont care to trouble people with my issues. Rough life … Sure but i know others have had it worse than me. My mind and spirit isnt better than the next person nor my tolerace and ability to recover. There is no organ transplant for a damaged spirit. Religion and relationships are wishful thinking. I earn my living helping to ease […]
Sitting here right now, tears running down my face. The feeling in my entier body can only be described as agony. It is always there because i am always alone. No matter who is around, my family, co workers, or the one person in the whole world that i feel I could talk to(but shouldnt, cant put this on her its not fAre to her) can be surrounded by them, and i am completly alone.
Can hear you say it now, call this hotline… what I need is to feel apreciated, accepted, how could someone who dose not know me do that..
Or, see a shrink. Mite […]
hey ya’ll. i know what meds i need. i just cant afford them. I dont wanna be homeless, but it very possibly might end up that way. Im so close to getting healthy, oh well. I will continue to fight to find decent employment and to get my own place (through HUD or section 8 or something). I miss my friends on this site? Where did you all go?
is it selfish that seeing how happy everyone around me is makes me feel even worse i should just be grateful for their well-being but instead it makes feel shit like i have no one to talk to because their happiness makes me feel like they cant possibly understand what im going through and like they wouldnt care if they did
love is a chemical reaction in the brain similar to the chemical in chocolate so i think the reason some people can fall out of love while other cant let go is that some people get addicted to that chemical reaction god damn my addictive personality
I dont feel like ive explained myself well enough in the first post , since leaving the basement i feel as if my life has changed to frequently, that nothing is substantial or sustainable, i have had the worst luck and the best fortune all at the same time, so many people have stopped there lives to benifit mine and reverse side of that is so many people have walked over my life to get what they want, i just cant believe i got out, just as i resigned myself to my fate i got freed? tell me that isnt coincidence, this cant be real, […]
then I could at least make money by prostituition… and I would be able to get laid… as an autistic boy i have no skills and cant make money or get some *****… nothing is in my favor..
It’s funny how the Human mind is the closer it gets to the end. I constantly have to remind myself of what’s going to happen and the gravity of it all just wont set in. my mind cant perceive life after death. It’s pretty crazy.
oh dear Alice do not spam the board
well fuck im bored
i told them not to let me in
i told them not to let me in
oh why did you let me in
ill lie while i grin
ill spit in your face
ill wipe shit all over the place
i wont piss in the corner ill piss on your food
hey, its a fair warning dude
oh alice why are you so punk?
***** its because im full of spunk
alice why are you so weird
because madness it cant be cured
alice why are you so strange
buddy its because im deranged
alice why are you a freak
because ill fuck you while you are asleep
piss off guys
Why is it that you ruined my life every chance it goes good, why do you feel the need, you may have rasied me but that wasnt your job to do your job was to be a sister yet you never was you made my life hell. I was the one cleaning your puke up i was the one doing food shopping you thought i would never cope in this life but ive done well im managing my life right now arent i. Just do me a favour and leave my life to me you caused chaos when we was younger we never would of […]
It all comes full circle. Nothing really left. I am 47 have not felt this way in awhile. Lost all that was good. I am not weak. But just cant stand the thought about what is left. Things dont really change. I was not a drinker. But all i want to do is get fucked up on alcohol, pills, weed. I need relief. I have good friends play in a band, but am alone always alone.
Here I am, don’t rock me like a hurricane, just hear me out. I have been dealing with some of the most difficult shit that I have ever had to deal with in my entire life and I am completely done with all of it. This life and this bullshit seriously arent worth the endless hours of agony and the energy that it takes to continue on.
At times I don’t even know who I am anymore. From one minute to the next it seems as though I am forced to deal with more drama, insanity, and childish crap than a middle school principal.
I […]