I’m just completely lost. I don’t know if I should end it already. I’ve been put through so much bullshit that I’m completely fed up. I was molested by my dad’s friend which my dad doesn’t know about because I was young and scared that he’d do something to my family cause he claimed he will if I ever told. I still haven’t said anything and it’s been years. I’ve also be bullied by everyone. Even my own family. I’ve always been really into sports and I’m a girl so my parents, sisters, and brother would always call me a boy because of it. Also, […]
Most people who have never had depression think depression is no more than just sadness. However, depression is much, much more. It is a never ending link of sadness. It doesn’t go away for a long time. Sometimes it doesn’t go away at all. There is almost no happiness when your are depressed or suicidal. For example, imagine when you are extremely sad. Now imagine that that extreme sadness never, ever goes away, at least not for a very long time. That is what it is like when you have depression.
Like I remember one time, I was at a thanksgiving party (This was last year in […]
I do not even care anymore. I is not carin about grammar right now. I remember I was at school about a month ago wen my sis and her friend came up to me and said rude things about me and my boy friend. I was sad. I ran home and cryed. my boyfriend was sad too. he tried to comfort me but he don’t know how much I hurt on the inside. of course I aint got no guts for suicide but it still hurts. I am in pain. there Is not light when yu have depression. and don’t you get sick of people […]
There is just simply no joy left in my life.
I’ve been in therapy a few times. And I eventually do see improvement, but it takes years of work; painful work. And it’s expensive, it sucks to throw a lot of time and effort and money into this just get up to a baseline where I can function.
I have cycled back to hopelessness, despair and a deep depression again. I think this is the worst yet. Added to my black mood are some financial hardships that are becoming overwhelming. We can’t register the cars, our health insurance has lapsed. My husbands’ income is commission only and […]
I see the word “love”
and I feel nothing
beautiful words and letters
and I feel nothing
I used to feel the flutter
the stutter
the rhythmic beat pumping in my chest
every time i even heard your name
because to me,
you were love.
Now all I feel is an empty void
I shutter
my heart beat is constant
I flinch at the thought of you
now you are the very opposite of “love”
I once lived because of you,
Now I am dead, because of you.
I often wish that a sick bastard who likes to murder people would choose me as their victim. Not only would my husband then be able to collect on the life insurance money, and be able to mourn my death without thoughts of what-if, but he would be the only person who has ever known how my dark thoughts spiral. I am sick of being a burden to him– he is too good to be tied to someone so depressive and anxious. I wasn’t like this when we were married. Well, I was, but I never let the thoughts out, and I felt I could […]
Birthdays: supposed to be a day whereon good wishes help one to have a better day than usual. I am in trouble this year, today has been awful.
Everyday I wake up, go to the gym then to work, all the while trying to forget how lonely I am and how people do not help me feel less lonely. I get invites to other people’s birthdays and various nonsense, on mine, just like every other day, nothing. People Have no problem telling me what they need from me and criticizing me when I don’t provide it.
I am […]
I’ve stopped caring and so has everyone else. I’m struggling to find a reason to keep living this awful life, it’s not like I’ll go far in life anyways. Everyone dies eventually, why can’t I just make it happen for myself?
Another small sleep night. Woke up, still dark, stare at computer, somehow forget everything. Yeah, right… I can’t even dream a little.
I also hate cloudy wheather, I feel heavier.
I think I’m going slightly mad…
I remember stuff from the past, Like at 17-19 when I was with too much tension I would just go for very long walks walking extremely fast.
One day I was just walking back and forth in my room at parent’s and I couldn’t take it. It’s all pain, it’s all pain. So sneaked out when they were asleep and roamed the dark streets.
Sometimes I walked miles to a club when a certain […]
why won’t the pain in my heart and mind  stop
why must i live in this shell and suffer the days and nights .
why does god keep me lock in this shell to suffer so much
why have i never found love in this life
how can i say good bye to my  only child without hurting her
how can i make them see that I’ve run out of time
why is it so hard to dream the dream of peace
why is it so hard to let go, all i wanted in this world is to  be loved
i am i selfish to want to end this life
. how can i […]
I don’t know if anyone remembers my last post, titled numb. Basically i explained what happens when i go numb. I cut off all feeling, i am in a haze, it takes so much energy to pull out for 30 min. so i can act okay. But i sink deeper and deeper until i cut, and then i’m fine again. i haven’t cut since March, and I’ve been okay. Until now. I’m starting to fall again, and i don’t know why. The only person i can talk to is my friend Skye, because she the only person i know and trust at my new school. […]
Man is unable to handle his freedom.
Why can’t i choose between my heights and depths? why do i get so weak  when it comes to my choosing, and start searching some strength from here and there?
This base force…its very powerful. and its power is in its persistence, its ever-presence in background. I want to rise. i even know formulas for that. then why don’t i? because in all void moments of life this base force becomes active. and then i seek oblivion, self-forgetting, escape…then i seek non-responsibility, just letting everything happen…then i seek darkness, destruction, wanting everything to end. and in those moments its so […]
I’ll put on a smile today, just so others won’t cringe at my pain.
And when I’m asked I smile what for, I’ll be ironic, but say no more,
And when alone of moments rest, darkness creeps into my chest,
And the eyes that stare of hate, will be standing by the pearly gate.
To the world, But what am I?
But a lowly, Insignificant child.
My opinion, is none of matter,
Adults..they do it better…
A child,
I be no more,
Of that you made sure.
With your slashing , words that cut,
With your hand, much too rough,
Innoncence stolen long ago,
Innoncence that’s longed for so.
A child,
I be no more,
Of that you made sure.
Driven to the edge, Â and back,
So easy to surrender to black,
You the shadow that befalls,
The darkness creeping, as he calls.
A child,
I be no more,
Of that you made sure.
To those that say “You should win,â€
But have you felt the words that tear my skin?
Felt the stabbing of a thorn,
Felt the meaning of forlorn.
A child,
I […]
It’s been a tough few months for me lately.
Some days i hide it well, others, not so much.
Some days I am sat on my own in my bedroom and I feel so low I have no idea where to go or what to do.
I consider whether my next breath is worth taking dozens of times a day.
Some nights i go to sleep and admit to myself that not waking up; well it wouldn’t be so bad.
Sometimes i will try to talk family or friends but they are always seeming so happy that I don’t want to spoil their day so I […]