I went to see uncle Tom, because our sicknesses are the same.
I never thought of that before, is genetics to blame ???
So I asked how do describe me, because words I can’t find.
He looked at me and smiled, and said you have an un-quiet mind.
An un-quiet mind ??? I’ll be damned you’re right.
That’s always been my problem, no peace in sight.
From the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep, and all the time in-between
All of the noises and voices, I just wanna scream.
But screaming won’t […]
So I can often relate, I have and continue to struggle with multiple mood disorders and suicidal thoughts/tendencies. What really irritates me, even though I understand, is the constant barrage of teeny boppers who always say the same thing: This is just how life is, this is how it will always be, and theres nothing I can do to change it. I understand the feeling of helplessness very well, I just wish they could understand that all they are doing by surrendering unconditionally to their situation is admitting defeat. Once you stop fighting, the battle may as well be lost. As long as you are […]
The Trance Is The Motion”
speed toward hell
shed no tears
you don’t know me
take my life
steal my tongue
to defeat your taste
could never criticize
no better then me
better then you
it’s easier to lie
than to tell the truth
you’ve become the waste that i despise
this is the motion of the new revolution
the trance is the motion
There are so many moments during my day where I reach a moment of defeat then quickly resort to thinking suicide is the solution. I notice that the issue is far too deep to fix and I don’t have the energy to be able to fix it. But when it comes to the end of the day where I’m suppose to make the decisions and get the things I need, I go numb.
At this moment of my life I’m soooo bad with choices and it’s making this final one harder.
I just want my suffering to end, my heart is foolish enough to think it’s going […]
I’ve decided that I won’t kill myself on the 30th. After all, someone told me that one, my family and friends will be grieving and that if I kill myself, I might give a lot of people despair. Second, my dreams – to be a ballet dancer, to be friends with my crush (which is kind of weird to be placed here, heh), and to serve the country as a scientist – will all be lost when I die. Third is that I want to let other depressed and suicidal people live and know that we can all defeat our suicidal thoughts and not let […]
Every day I wake up with the same thought
Reminiscing about the losing battles that I fought
I remind myself of these miserable pasts
So that I may learn and achieve victory at last
Sometimes I win a battle but not the war
I still go on for what I’m fighting for
But lately I have only met defeat
Making it harder to stand on my feet
Must I give up and accept this fate?
Living in shackles with a heavy weight?
I refuse to live in such a way
But losing […]
so I finally admitted defeat.
wife has left and were going through divorce. After three failed attempts at suicide, I’ve today been prescribed sertraline. Does anyone have good or bad experiences of this?
Also anyone here survived divorce. To put mine in context my wife of fourteen years was my school sweetheart and left with my two young kids three months age due to my depression and anxiety. Any tips on how you moved forward?
suicide is on my mind constantly still. My new life in front of me fills me with further depressing thoughts.
I hate my life.
hope you’re all feeling as good as you can be today!
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known loss, known struggle, and have found their way out of their depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with the compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
I know the last couple of my posts have been nature based, but I can’t seem to get away from it (figuratively, not literally, cause we all live in Nature, hehe). I am over-flowering (ah geeze, nature puns heh) with a need to branch out (here we go again) and take the thorns (that’s he last one I promise) from your sides. I wish my words could block the negativity plaguing your hearts- but I can’t. Not fully anyway. I hope you all, my lovelies, took my advice from yesterday and made someone’s day a tid-bit brighter. In fact, I took my own advice and […]
What need have I to fear–so soon to die? Let me work on, not watch and wait in dread: What will it matter, when that I am dead That they bore hate or love that near me lie? ‘Tis but a lifetime, and the end is nigh At best or worst. Let me lift up my head And firmly, as with inner courage, tread Mine own appointed way on mandates high. Pain could but bring from all its evil store, The close of pain: hate’s venom could but kill; Repulse, defeat, desertion, could no more, Let me have lived my life, not cowered until The […]
I’m happy till I sleep. Sleeping is my struggle.. Is my hell. Most of you struggle with suicide and cutting and I’m stuck with sleepless nights full of fear an torment. I’m happy. I’ve been sucked up by depression and spit out by suicide. Cutting didn’t give me the help I needed so I left. I’m not going back. I refuse to go back. My breathing shallows and I become more and more afraid of leaving this world before I complete one of my tasks. Anxiety hasn’t let go of my wrist and it hurts.. It hurts so bad. I can’t over power him.. I’m […]
When trust is just out of reach
And the soles of your shoes have worn from your feet
When you begin to accept defeat
I Will fight for you.
When day transcends to night
And the darkness has extinguished all light
When nothing ever feels right
I will fight for you.
If you decide to hate me
If you find that I’m disgusting
If you’re scared of what I’m thinking
I will fight for you
Because Trust still illudes me
Vulnerability is terrifying
And I know it hurts to breathe
I will fight […]
I sink into worlds of fantasy, faraway lands where I don’t even exist. Because in these stories the hero is never afflicted, never has any mental ailment, they just persevere and eventually they get the girl, defeat the villain and live happily ever after. This isn’t one of those stories. I’d never get the girl even if I tried. There is no happily ever after. And I’m the villain of this story. Sure you can fight yourself, you can even destroy yourself, but there is no scenario where I come out on top. No version of this where I win. Ultimately I will keep suffering, […]
But does anyone notice? But does anyone care? And if I had the guts to put this to your head… And would anything matter if you’re already dead?
And now should I be shocked by the last thing you said? Before I pull this trigger,
Your eyes vacant and stained… And in saying you loved me, made things harder at best, and these words changing nothing as your body remains,
and there’s no room in this hell, there’s no room in the next, and our memories defeat us, and I’ll end this direst.
I have been plagued by reality since I was still a kid…
I am a Broomhilda,in a world that loves Diana’s…
Short, broad, and dieting since I was 12.
I was a goodyear blimp at 10 and I nearly died from the pain then.
I kept thinking that things would get better.
That I could overcome biology. That if I just tried hard enough I would’t be the fat chick.
Starving myself to death on and off for decades has changed nothing.
I’m still 75 lbs over weight. Still limited by this to nothing and no one.
Still dying inside everyday.
Nothing I do changes the reality I face. The you are so pretty […]
These scars on my wrists
are from when I was pissed
uncontrollable anger
silent screams of unspoken words
I see stories
you see scars
lines of defeat
wounds of strength
Self mutilation feels better than you think
especially when your blood rises and your skin turns pink
constant competition between mind and body
both so weak you all you can do is fall
You say you “understand”
but nobody ever will
not even me.
-Harley
In this situation in particular,
do I choose to follow my dreams or to follow my heart?
How do I know which will work out?
Do I follow my dreams and risk it all?
Or, do I follow my heart and end it all?
They both may seem so simplistic, of that I’m sure,
but they are burning me to the core.
Why must my endeavors of this be so intricate,
when there are no plans and no times set?
My dreams are supposed to balance my internal torment,
but my choices cause nothing but my mere discontent.
All the things I once cared about are now obsolete,
and though […]
Doing better. Doing worse. If this goes on any longer, I don’t know what I’ll be capable of. Trying to be strong. My mind is breaking down. Snapping. The pressure, no release valve. I can’t shut it off. I made this decision. Made it for good reasons. I have tried to overcome myself and can once again feel myself slipping. everything crushing in so tight. can’t see anything. I can feel my mind falling away. My testament, my great push to become better, falling into another facade, another lie. I keep trying. trying to be strong. how long will it last. So strong, rigid, it […]
i want to scream, but not really. i hang my head down in defeat.
The thing is, I’ve been battling for 3 years now. I let it lie for years before, but now I fight.
I didn’t want to fight, because fighting means risking defeat. If I fight, I might lose. I’m losing.
In the last year, I was hospitalized 5 times and spent a total of 6 months in the hospital. I’ve had two suicide attempts and during the first one, spent 2 days in a coma, only to wake up to delirium and yet another hospitalization.
I have scars on my legs, arms, stomach. I’ve needed countless stitches.
I’ve tried so many medications, I can’t list them all.
I am […]
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