I’m back to square one.
Started to feel same shit again.
Mind hurts. It plays. Fuck. Shit.
Tag:
disgusting
Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines.
The contemplation of suicide is omnipresent in all of our lives. A choice of staying in this putrid, disgusting, vile, evil, and irreparable existence sickens myself and those that are feeling the same as I am.
We seek nothing more than the affirmations of love, life, truth, justice, and respect.
My inevitable choice is one designed by fate and itself.
I’ve commenced the process of leaving this form.
So familiar and overwhelmingly warm
This one, this form I hold now.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
So maybe I am a loser. Maybe I am a fat disgusting thing. You think I don’t know that? You think I haven’t planned for the best course of action? You think that I haven’t realized that all the “breaks” I get are just illusions or plain dumb luck?
I know what’s in store for me, so don’t feel like you have to remind me. I’m on my way. Just wait. I’ll be there eventually.
(Not a poem this time, I just need to rant)
I’m a size 8. I still feel like a size 18.
I wear a medium shirt. I still feel like a size XXL.
I look in the mirror and my face bloats.
I hate my eyes. I hate my smile. I hate the dimples in my cheeks. I hate my lips. I hate my chin.
It’s been getting worse lately and I don’t know how to stop the skewed perception I have of myself.
I go to the gym 3-5 times a week, I do yoga, I eat healthy (I’m vegan ffs) yet I still feel disgusting and guilty everytime I […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Why is it that I always ruin everything? It’s like I can’t appreciate any good in my life. I’ve only ever had one boyfriend that I’ve truly felt love, and I managed to completely fuck that up. I always get this feeling when I’m with someone long enough that I’m ‘better’ than them, not that I even like myself anyway. It’s a curse and it ruins everything but there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
I’m a disgusting person who can’t make and keep friends and the one friend I have, must be a saint for being there for me (not that we regularly […]
I feel so alone and empty, dead inside, but sad and deeply hurting. I wish the guy I have lover and given everything to would value my existence even 1/10th of what little I feel I may be valued at my 2nd job. I mean, my 2nd job has just become the first place where I receive a little bit of praise and my ideas are accepted and not argued. But I wish I were worth something to him. I feel like in his ideal world, I’d be out of his life entirely and he would forget he ever met me.
Of course, he didn’t come […]
to look around at this world, at the people in it. To see how horrible it has all become, how truly selfish and disgusting people are. I look around in the hopes of finding proof that good exists that there is still love out there somewhere. But the more I look the less I find and the more depressed I become. This world is truly awful and everyday is a battle to not conform to not become as horrible as everything and everyone around me.
Felo-de-se
Why did I have to be born this way?
Life’s a game, I’ll no longer play
Humiliated, degraded with every word that’s spoke
Why am I just a pathetic joke?
Why did I have to be born this way?
In a world like this, I’ll no longer stay
Treated like shit from the moment I awoke
The toughest of souls would find themselves broke
Why keep on living you disgusting, cock-less freak?
The same familiar words from all those whom bother to speak
Isn’t it wrong to treat me this way?
Why the fuck would I want to stay?
Just a pathetic tiny dick joke
Made to feel worthless […]
I am so disgusting. I hate the way I look. I will never be happy. I’ve never been happy. I just want to die. It’s not even about me escaping my pain. It’s more about saving other people from having to tolerate me being around. Friends abandon me, relationships fail. My family are oblivious. I mean nothing in this world, so why can’t I just die? I’ve tried so many many times to end it, and it never works. I don’t want help. I just want to go.
Sitting at work and having it hit me, how can I be so disgusting, so gross, so untouchable? Just thinking of things I can’t really get in to here, but of course it concerns the guy I love. Why’d he ask me long ago if I could be friends with benefits if the thought of the slightest touch of me is so gross and disgusting? And why in the hell do I have to be the ugliest person in the world? Why couldn’t it be someone else?!! What the fuck did I do to deserve being so fucking gross and ugly?!?
But also, I think I […]
Since my last (serious) post, I made this pic and put it as the wallpaper on my phone. It’s a question to myself only. The point was to see if it felt right or wrong or somewhere outside of that. Having sat with it for a couple of days, I’ve accepted it and thought it felt good. I always wanted to go out close to or on my birthday, but last winter was too fucking cold and I said I want to be comfortable when I do it. With that said, I feel like I’ve lost a best friend. It felt like we were really […]
I hate myself and I feel like a complete loser. I used to think I was somewhat pretty, but now I feel ugly, especially on the inside. I feel disgusting and dirty like I murdered someone. I am taking summer classes because I decided I just had to double major in another useless liberal arts field and it’s hard not to compare myself to people out having adventures and experiencing life. I don’t think it’s that lame to stay in school necessarily but for some reason I feel like I’m horrible for staying at home with my parents with no money or job, crying like a baby every day […]
My whole life I’ve felt so empty and worthless, it’s like I don’t belong here, I used to be the kind of person who just put on a mask and tried to live life thinking, “Well if I can’t know happiness I’ll just try and make others happy instead.” Bad idea. People will take advantage of you every single time whether you see it or not, no one cares, and the ones who do are only pretending so they can get something out of you in the end. I hate living, hate it. every time I look at my own reflection I get […]
I don’t want to be here anymore, I’ve known this since I was very young. But only now that I’m over 40, I’m no longer living on some autopilot or “unawakened” state. I’m awake. I get it. Oneness, we are all one, the energy, the unified field, the energy of love, the veil, the illusion, the ego. Got it… I’m done now, I don’t want to force peace and happiness upon myself or others, what for? People and life keep pushing back and I want to leave now, I can’t keep this up on my own.
If I ended up here with this pitiful story, what’s […]
Sometimes I think I think too much. Actually, I know I think too much. What the fuck is this? Second post in like a week or something. Clearly I’m falling downhill, I made a strong vow to myself to not come back here and post unless I was in dire need of venting, and I guess I’m there.
1. Worried as hell about my new summer job, as I will miss a lot of other events I wanted to do this summer
2. Wanted to teach myself multiple languages this summer and can’t now because will be too busy
3. I’m ridiculously inadequate in terms of every single […]
To be fair I hate my self just as much as you hate me… I don’t need a fucking reminder of why I disappoint everyone and why I am nothing but trash… Treat me like the most vile disgusting creature on the face of this universe because I have no soul left. You’ve taken the last little but I didn’t even know I had… FUCK YOU!!!!
FUCK ALL OF YOU!
I have offiicially given up there is no future for me I treat my body like a trash can have no desire to go on no one loves me I don’t love myself so stupid and ugly I never want to see myself agian I am a joke so sick Iv given up I can’t stand no more so miserable I reached my bottom 22 years of unhappiness when’s it going to change never I don’t want it to change I enjoy hurting myself any way possible I am disgusting inside and out there really is nothing good about me I can’t function in every […]
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