I’ve been gone for a while. i was better, or i thought i was better. i guess not. i went to training this summer to be a camp counsellor. i met so many friends and i stopped self harming. i was happy for the first time in years. but now, it’s suddenly hit down like a pile of bricks and i dont even have the energy to leave the house or talk to anyone. i have absolutely nobody to talk to and no friends left who care. i started cutting again. i feel so completely alone and this crushing feeling of sadness won’t go away. […]
Tag:
energy
I haven’t been around here lately… I haven’t had much to say… Not sure what to say.
Life is complicated as fuck! Bad things seem to happen but my mind won’t hold on to them like they use to. Little things don’t seem to bother me. Good things are happening, but it also feels like a big void. It’s almost as if I had some big plans but suddenly I can’t remember what they were. And I feel the uncertainty of not knowing if I should care or not. I’ve been thinking about killing myself lately, but not out of sadness…almost as if my mind […]
Sometimes I have off days but tonight I feel a surge of energy and hope. Every day is a blank canvas to rejuvenate your life, edit your story. I have an agenda for tomorrow which probably contributes to this new-found optimism. I’ve forgotten how rewarding it feels to set goals, actually work towards them, and obtain results. The most crippling thing I can do to myself is sit at home and give in to lazy indulgences. I’ve been putting off my responsibilities for far too long.
I’ll start my day with a cardio workout in the morning. I’ll reply to my little Brother’s email from BBBS. I’ll start […]
My Father Was Ex-Commander In Chief In The Army.That Mustve Messed Him Up Becoz That Man Was Anything But Normal!I Couldnt Call Him”daddy”Or”my father”Becoz He Wudnt Allow It.Made Me Call Him”sir”Or”Mr(Last Name)”.He Treated Me Like I Was One Of His Army Groups Or Whatever.This One Time,My Mom Was Working Night Shift So It Was His Turn To Come Fetch Me From School.He Came Hours Later!He Found Me Crying Cold,Hungry And Alone,Said Some Shit Like I shouldve Walked If I Wanted To Get Home Earlier(I WAS 8YEARS OLD!!).My Dad Wasnt The Emotional”come give me a hug”Type.He Was A STONE,Or Anything Harder Than That..Tar..He Was Tar..Concrete!He Would […]
I live in constant fear, I react to everything in an exaggerated way, I have also hypersensitivity to sounds and to touch.
Low self esteem because psychological child abuses, I am all ways the different guy that everyone doesn’t want to go along. With a neurologic syndrome where is very difficult to identify feelings and other things that makes very very hard to establish relationships with others.
All this drains my energy so much that I fall into depressed states with constant toughts of suicide and stop all this shit. Have attempted before but pain was too much strong that I couldn’t cut just deep enough. Also I […]
Life is tough even on our own but I assure you it is much easier solo. How do you please one that cannot be pleased because they secretly yearn for their ex fiancé and children. I did not take them from you, she did. I am only here as a pathetic replacement, I can understand that. I am very aware I do not and can not provide you with the same stability and domestic service. I am a young woman with bipolar and it is hard enough to take care of myself and my house financially let alone you also. I do not have the […]
I have no control of my thoughts.
Why do I feel this way. I know im not crazy.
I feel like I am, But I know im pretty normal because no one else even knows how im feeling right now.
Its like a hidden secret that im not trying to hide
I want help.
I don’t want this. I want to just leave for a while and take care of me. Lock me up if that’s what it takes. I cant do this anymore. I cant fight my own thoughts.
I don’t have the energy or the strength.
Im fighting a losing battle.
In my head i died two months ago
I had moved to the big city, crowded with too many people, living in a small bedroom , all so that i could accomplish my long life goal of succeeding as an artist. But my illusions broke like a millions of shards of glass when i came confronted to the reality that i didnt had any more of my hard earned money to keep this dream alive, and after giving so much energy, i found myself at 24 years old, alone, broke, and with no one to speak to with no more energy to spare. I had 2 […]
Why do I not have the energy or the excitement needed to enjoy myself during the day? What is it about me that drives people away, like I’m some sort of weirdo? I can smile, I can play the part, but it’s all fake and I know it. I’m not going to pretend I’m your best friend, but I don’t dislike your company either, you know? Yet I’m excluded even though I’m not exactly bullied. Summer is my break from that, but it also seems to be a break from my true friends too so far, for the most part. I guess they’re turned off […]
It’s a shame that it had to be this way
It’s not enough to say I’m sorry
Maybe I’m to blame
Or maybe we’re the same
But either way I can’t breathe
Either way I can’t breathe
All I had to say is goodbye
~Secondhand Serenade; Goodbye
I can be tough
I can be strong
But with you
It’s not like that at all
~Avril Lavigne; Wish You Were Here
And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye
~A Great Big World; Say Something
I’m sorry I wasn’t enough
For you, for my friends, for anyone
I didn’t know much […]
I’m struggling. My brain is in fog. I feel like I’m grasping to get a hold of my thoughts but they slip through my fingers like smoke. I can’t focus, I can’t think, I can’t concentrate. I’m meant to be writing for a big project, but just can’t get a hold. I know that it is in my head somewhere but it may as well be covered in lard for all I can get a grip on it. I know I can be so much better than this but it is all so exhausting, I am tired and I am lost like this. I just […]
Tonight, I was truly, for the first time in a very, very, long period, free.
Other than the pills working and pumping happy juice into my brain, I had a tremendous emotional catharsis.
I was finally able to move on from old expectations and loves ones.
It doesn’t feel anything special like I was extremely happy or anything, but I felt free.
For the first time since forever, I wasn’t tired, and found my energy slowly coming back.
This is great news for a depressed person like me.
I’ve found that I’ve been getting hurt all the time by my own expectations.
My expectations of myself, expectations […]
I want to embed myself under the furled layers of your essence, tuck myself beside the pulsating beat of your vulnerability. I want to drink you in, sip your secrets like shots of soul-warming alcohol. Intoxicate me with your purity, render me unconscious with your superiority and smother me with your suffocating beauty. Tease me with the palpable touch of your absence and speak to me in words so powerful their meaning can’t be truly fathomed. I miss the quintessence of your endless nihility.
Like a beautiful, burning inferno I want you to burst into vibrancy, your hot, explosive atmosphere lighting up the room in […]
I just realized I haven’t cried in a very very long time. Even though I feel like I want to sometimes, I just don’t have the energy. Too tired to cry, to tired to care, to tired to change.
Everybody thinks I’m okay, but in fact, I feel really worse and I hide it, because I want my parents to believe it’s going better. Actually, I feel more suicidal then before right now, really want to life this stupid f*cking life and world. But actualy I don’t think I have enough energy right now to kill myself, and to prepare my suicide, which makes me even feel worse. I hate it!! I just can’t even kill myself, because it’s going that worse, who would ever thought that?!
Besides sleep, gaming is my really only other means of escape. So what do you use to escape your own reality. And I know it’s a sad means of escaping, but honestly I don’t hardly have the energy for much else.
Not having the energy to write back guys you think are cute
not having energy to write reviews on yelp,things you love My childhood psychtrist killed himself this past weekend what does that say for me? what does that mean,This was amilestone breaking point in a metaphorical symbolic way,Idk idk things have been getting better,Like really better but when things go bad everything just piles on,Really I could break or be the most strongest person If anyone knew my whole life or my life they would see how thin and how thin and so close they are to eachother idk idk ill be fine but this […]
Every night I cry because of the disappointment I cause. The burden I put on others, the loathing I direct at myself, It only leads to a life of sadness and despair. I’ve made my brother a monster, I made my father believe that I am just another mistake, and worst of all, I made my own mother cry because of my failures, and she believes it’s her fault, when it’s really my own mistake. When they ask for help, I don’t even have the energy to respond. And now I believe that I can never fix it, so I believe suicide is the only […]
if i know i have no chance for a life, should i kill myself now and get it over with, even though i want to live a better life but it seems impossible? i don’t want to kill myself. but i see no other way. seriously, i want to live. i want a life. but it is clear now that that’s impossible. why put all of my energy into graduating if it’s not going to happen? he’s made it clear. and if i don’t graduate, that’s it for me. and i have no reason to be around. that’s all i care about at this point. […]
Dreams can give you hope when you’re hopeless, they give you reasons to hold on, they can give you strengh and energy to move on and overcome the difficulties.However, dreams they can grow BIIIIIG, and if they grow really big and you realize that you can’t make them come true…well…THEY SIMPLY RUN WILD!.They will become a burden, a heavy burden and make your life unbearable, then smash you into pieces.