It’s funny the things that push you to the edge. I write on here just in case I have the strength to leave for good and someone will find this to get answers on why I would have done what I did. I haven’t felt the need to leave in a long time. I thought I was doing so good. Things were looking up. Just slightly. At least enough for me to only contemplate it once in awhile. Have you guys ever read Thirteen Reasons Why? I read it way too much. I get lost into it. I get lost on the idea of leaving […]
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enough
I read all the web and got plenty of advice. I know there’s always hope and all the stuff, but I think it straight to it and my decision is that I HAVE TO go. Please don’t tell me not to, with all due respect I will ignore the post.
I would like to know a way to day that is easy to commit. Cutting my veins isn’t easy, not because of the pain but because it takes a lot of effort fighting my instinct. My body does not want to die. I am a 26 yo male, perfectly healty, weight 80 kg and I am […]
The air suffocates me, room feels like a prison, city – like a cattle-pen. Any form of entertainment does not fill heart like it used to, it merely makes me forget my misery for a bit. And when I am alone – I can’t escape thought of suicide. No one have to love me. But still, I hoped that someone would. I tried to be a best person I could, but that was obviously not enough. I have a plan of easy death, still need some tests, though, to do it right. To avoid more pain, to avoid failure. But the plan calms me. I […]
Four bottles of Kirkland Sleep Aid dissolved in water…Hopefully that’s enough.
Drink and die.
And I can’t make myself study for any of them, I just don’t have the energy. It takes every bit of strength I have just to climb out of bed in the morning. This is bullshit, I’m thinking this summer will be my last. I’m gonna go visit some family on the other side of the country, come back to CA to pick up my crossbow and hike far enough into the woods that the smell of my rotting corpse won’t bother anyone, then I’ll put a bolt through my skull. May seem excessive, but I’ve survived ODing twice and an attempted hanging, so this […]
I’m sitting on my bed staring at six ibuprofen tablets knowing its not enough to kill me but still wanting to take them
at the same time I’m not sure I’ll be able to cope with a failed attempt
Yesterday I tried to kill myself but the metal was so cold against my head. I had a fool proof plan that I was too weak to pull off. I got bullets. Got a gun. Cocked it. Held it to my temple and tears started to flow. I’m not strong enough to pull the trigger. Imma fckn loser.
I honestly wish I could disappear. Or I could pay someone else to off me. Clearly Imma failure and can’t do it myself. How much of an idiot do you have to be to fail at suicide?
Ive been lonely. So lonely. I want a husband. I wanna come […]
So I went to see my counselor today and it seemed like the biggest waste of time. I’ve always suspected this is her first job out of college. I thought I organized my thoughts pretty good with her, but she really had no insight to offer me. I’m not really ready to say she’s not a good fit because last time I saw her I thought things went pretty well. Anyone who’s been following my story knows I’m going through a divorce. I shared with the counselor that I was bewildered by my soon to be ex’s new found niceness and and she really had nothing to […]
I don’t want to get into who I am or why I’m doing what I’m doing. I am going to kill myself tonight. I have checked into a hotel room and it is on the 11th floor. I’m looking down and it is high, I’m sure high enough to kill myself, but I have no faith in my mortality so I don’t know if jumping from this height would be enough. I am however going to land on my back, with my head tilting down so the brain stem is completly shattered. I also have been trying to get a gun for the last couple […]
We all have that one person don’t we. They keep us going, most of them don’t even realise it but shit they help us. Mine is fantastic. They make me feel important and valuable, possibly maybe after time, they could make me happy (happy is a big word for me so I don’t tend to use it when reflecting on myself). This person never has to try to lift me up because knowing their existence is in my presence gives me life. The way they talk with such intellect, their mind, fuck their mind is so beautiful. Logically, I love this human.
But unfortunately it’s contradicts it’s self.
I’m on […]
I miss the days when I felt happy. How I became so content with the idea of death I don’t remember. I try so hard to be happy but it just doesn’t seem to work for me. I’m not happy, I’m not angry, I’m not much really.
Just really really miserable.
But it’s not even that. It’s like, that feeling you get when you’re about to sneeze. You know it’s coming. You can’t wait long enough for that sneeze to be over.
I think what I’m trying to say is, I long for the feeling of not feeling anything at all. I know it’s coming, it’s just a […]
I really want to give up.
I have to put up with so much, no one loves me, no one cares for me… So who would grieve when I die or disappear?
But that won’t happen. Why? Because I’m scared to. I’ve seen things that can prove that people will make shit up and jump to conclusions. For instance: I disappear, run away without any evidence to where I was going… Then people at my school would say things like this: “She got pregnant and had to find her baby daddy.” or “She decided to drop out and be a slut for her living to make enough […]
I don’t know if I should be here. I feel as if I’m wasting their time; doctors, support systems, YMCA. I know they all say that it’s the reason they’re there, that you’re not wasting their time. But honestly, I’m just not mean enough to tell them that they are in fact, wasting their time.
It’s not their fault, it’s just the state of mind I have gotten myself into. I guess only I can get myself out of it.
Don’t get me wrong, I do see a point to life. But it contradicts it’s self. I thought the meaning of life was to give it a meaning, but then […]
Sometimes when I mentally torture myself I actually feel God but right now it’s torture because I’m at the exact theatre where I watched a movie with the love of my life. And it was a he. I’m depressed sad angry. Idk anymore. If I died I’d be happy hopefully a better life afterwards. Sometimes I wanna die so bad sometimes I think an think what I could’ve done better. I have a plan that will put me in a place where I can no longer hurt anyone. There’s no God no Jesus Christ. Only a devil who lives to torture us. I’ve revoked my […]
I don’t post a lot, but right now, I just have to get this feeling out of me. Sorry for the melodramatics…
I don’t just wish I was dead; I wish I had never born. I hate that I am such a burden, such a waste of resources, such a disappointment. I know that most others don’t look at me and see that. They wouldn’t agree, and that should make me feel better. But really, it just means no one knows me. If they knew me, they’d see what I see. I work so hard at everything I do, and I just feel like I get […]
Someone very brave once said, “I must uphold my ideals, for perhaps the time will come when I shall be able to carry them out.” This someone was Anne Frank. She held an optimism for a greater world despite her own situation. Carry her optimism with you. When you are faced with an obstacle that seems impossible to overcome, know inside yourself that you can. It’s been done over and over by people; they had the ability to never give up on themselves. You have that ability.
Everyone has the same attribute of being unique in a different way, that includes you. There is no one […]
So I end my life, and it crushes my family (parents & sister). I don’t want to do that. I don’t think I can do that. I love them, despite all the ways I’ve wronged them.
On the other hand, I stick around, and it’s just painful. I don’t think I can ever form any real connection with anyone, or enjoy their company. There’s large parts of me that are just plain evil, that are unacceptable. I can’t let anyone see who I really am. I’m utterly alone, even when I’m not. My day to day existence is meaningless. I hate being around people, because I […]
I have been severely depressed for several years. I began to think I was bi polar because it would be unbearable for a few months then it would be manageable for a few months then unbearable for a few years etc etc. However apparently with bipolar you get to feel maniacally happy for a small period of the time. Lucky bastards. I broke up with the first person I ever truly loved, due to an occurrence of cheating (on his part) which broke me. Up until this point, I had been getting better. Slowly becoming more active and happier. He managed to destroy my entire […]
I dropped out of grad school at the end of last year. I moved home and worked there on farms for a while until I could find more permanent work. I found a new job. I just started this week and I am hating life. Whenever I have a big transition in my life (like moving to a new area) I have a very difficult time. Work is always on my mind. When I’m at work, I feel like I’m not doing a good enough job. When I’m home, I think about how my bosses are disappointed in me even though there’s no reason to […]
Wether you like it or not. Your feeling of worthlessness gets stronger by the minute. Everything irritates you event the sound of the Birds Tweeting is just enough. I feel tired just tired and there is nothing that seems to lifts you out of this mood you are in. It is what it is. I am afraid. I am afraid of leaving my sons on their own to fend for themself. Is suicide selfish or is it selfish of those around you that dont understand anything for you to carry on marching on.