I usually stay up at night and question whether I have a future or not… honestly, I do not know. I am a failure. In my own family, people whom are supposed to love and protect me, I get abused physically, verbally and emotionally. I don’t know what to feel anymore because in all honesty, I can’t even love my own parents. I wake up everyday inside this madhouse and I’m slowly losing my grip on reality. Truthfully, I have lost all my respects for humanity. People can change, but they usually choose not to. Only the cruel and greedy ones ever win in this […]
Tag:
everything
Losing touch of reality is now my doom
I cannot see anything, not even the moon
For no one can feel the pain I now consume
Everything that I am will all be gone soon.
Sometimes I wonder if I should just pull the trigger
Understand me when I say that I can no longer linger
Counting endless sleep until I fall into slumber
Kiss me softly before I have my last supper
Soon enough no one will even bother.
From this moment on I am now a goner
Oxygen […]
I have quitsmoking and drinking so i can b baptised. But everything is so fucked. I have zero hope. Zero desire. I dont even know if God exists. If he does y doesnt he intervene? Answer prayer? My son is probably schitzophrenic. I have tried to help him. Its impossible to get good metal health help. Only bad people succeed. Doing good gets me know where. I have 7 kids. My oldest is a witch to me and abuses me verbally and emotionally because her childhood was shit. If i olan something its fails. If i try i dont succeed. I just wish i would […]
Now that I have your attention,
You are probably thinking that this post will be about how to actually kill yourself. Well it is and it isn’t.
I had one of those god knows how to spell the bloody word apifiny, nope doesn’t look right. Anyway one of those light bulb moments.
Flash of genius, whatever you wanna call it.
I realised the only true, successful, way to kill yourself without really physically killing yourself is to just get in there and slaughter the hell out of your thoughts, feelings, actions, demons, and the list goes on.
Throw a bomb in there and explode them all in to a million pieces.
Steralize […]
People say that indifference is evil. I agree with this. However, people also claim that the planet is not evil, or good, but indifferent. It is argued that this is a beautiful thing- no reason to be upset about it. This argument has no logical consistency. This seems to be the hallmark of the healthy person, from what I’ve observed- this ability to lie to yourself, to change the facts to fit your opinion, to make the world make more sense to you, so you can keep swimming through all this shit, so you don’t really give a fuck about children dying in other countries, […]
That’s all I’ve ever wanted. To be happy. But it seems further out of my reach with every day I exist. I suppose everyone wants to be happy really…
It just seems like everything is so far out of my reach. This book I’ve been reading, prescribed by a friend that said it would help me, hasn’t been helping me at all to accept societies heinous actions.
My dreams get worse and worse by the day… it just seems like life is trying to break me again. Like its trying its hardest to drive me mad.
I love how you tell someone you’re getting over depression and they say, “Oh, one of those” and just stop talking to you. Yeah, that makes it sooooo much better. People are shit and there is nothing I’ve ever seen to make me think otherwise. The only times people even TRY to act like they care is when they are selfishly trying to feel like they are a “good” person.
I’ve been trying so fucking hard to get over being suicidal… I’m TRYING to keep it together… I’m TRYING to, even if I don’t have hope, LIVE at the very least. Yet I get more SHIT […]
So it has been a while since I last made a post on this site. Some of you may know that I was in a severely fucked up state. I came very close to trying to kill myself again but being on the edge of the abyss allowed me to do something I wouldn’t of been able to do: Lie with all I had.
Some of you may be confused by my last statement, let me try elaborate. I had completed my degree in IT, majoring in Software Development, over a year ago but in my final year of uni I suffered a mental breakdown and barely […]
This last week I was trying to be positive and for a few days I even convinced myself I was geting somewhere, forcing things, denying I was going through the wrong way. But I can’t help hurting myself. I always end up doing it. I turn everything against me and then I crush myself with every drop of energy I have. I can’t deal with me, with the things I say, and the decisions I take. I even hurt myself writing here things I shouldn’t. and talking to people about how ridiculous I am, and I say it as a matter of a fact and […]
Since I will be leaving this World real soon my only wondering at this point is the afterlife
What is it?
It’s so hard on me. It really is. I don’t even know how to feel. It’s like everything is a lie.
The guy I mentioned on my last post has been the cause of my problems. It’s all because I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.
Monday night I was feeling so down about my mom and him and just everything (Tuesday was my mom’s death anniversary) and so I texted him. I said “My mom died 7 years ago. You would understand right?”
His reply?
His exact words were “Ugh I’m sorry I’m not trying to be mean but can you please stop texting me”.
The only […]
Because I’m disabled and my allowance is very small, I have been on Medicaid. This has made my prescriptions affordable, and I’ve been very grateful for the help.
But something happened yesterday; when I got the notification that my prescription was ready to pick up, it gave a cost which was WAY too expensive.
It’s as if they cancelled my Medicaid for some reason. This is a giant problem, since I can’t afford any of my medication without it.
I only have four pills left, and then will have to abruptly stop everything.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, my right leg brace broke tonight, and I can’t afford […]
Its so hard to hold everything in. You want to scream all the time but you cant because you dont want people to hear you. You just put a smile on your face and pretend like everything is ok and you dont notice whats going on. You pray everyday to just disappear, and you wait for so long just have everything blow up in your face.
Your worth something, and if you have to be the only person who cares about yourself then so be it. It might be hard, and you might need help sometimes, but its not impossible. You just have to keep […]
I found out a couple hours ago that I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. Needless to say, I have had panic attacks, and the Angels have became almost unbearable. I can’t see her tomorrow. I can’t see her ever. She’s going to get me. The Others are going to get me. Every session with her I’m restless, uncomfortable, and waiting for them to attack me.
They’re going to this time. Kemuel told me. He knows. I can’t go tomorrow, but my mother won’t let me miss another session. She’s letting them get me, she’s going to let them kill me. She’s part of them, and now I’m […]
The most important thing in life is confort. Material and also “spiritual” , I mean like being at peace with yourself. That is the most important thing.
I started to think very nihilistic lately . I feel like I am losing my mind. It seems that most human toughts and emotions are chemical reactions in the brain to make you see life in sunshines and rainbows for maintaing your survival plus passing on the genetic code by the means of reproduction.
I was in top shape last year, I and I was being able to fuck any girl I wanted because of my looks and phisique.I think […]
Is…
Drum roll…
Sleep, beautiful peaceful sleep. It’s the closest thing to not existing. I wish I could sleep for the rest of my life and never wake up again.
How couldn’t I be suicidal in a world where everything is go go go, accomplish as much as you can, be creative, be social… When all I want to do is pass out permanently.
Nighty night
Alright guys and gals, here’s my two cents. I’ve been thinking about offing myself for, say, two years give or take. I wasn’t really sure how I’d do it or anything, but it seemed the most logical outcome of my life and here’s why:
I’m one of those people who, for some reason or another, have been blessed (or cursed) with a high degree of sensitivity. Now, I’m not saying that I get upset over little things. Far from that, I let most shit slide. When I say sensitive I mean there’s always this intense emotion and love towards other people -that’s why I find […]
I tried the other night and failed miserably.
My heart beats so fast now, everything feels numb and I’m completely zoned out.
I just lay here staring at the ceiling. I’m scared. Maybe I’ll try again.
So here is another part of my story. I was a virgin until a year ago. I had never have a bf or kissed a guy or even touch one in a close way. But some people told me I should try sleeping with someone to at least know how it felt. Because I am an old woman and so. and i thought I shouldn’t die without at least kissing someone. It sounds stupid as I write it.
So I followed suite as my brother was on tinder and I opened a profile there. I don’t know where people get to know other people but i […]
I saw my therapist yesterday. Surprisingly I opened up to her a lot about the voices (she knows about the other set which aren’t the Angels). The Angels weren’t there, so I wasn’t as nervous as I usually am in my sessions.
She did the number scales with me again. 0-10 on how likely I am to listen to the voices. The first was how likely I am to hurt myself because of them, I said 5 (it’s really a 8 or 9), but she was happy with that. And the other was how likely I am to hurt others because of […]