I’m not even sure if I can tell what is real anymore. The last year is a blur. I lost my wife. I quit my job. I lost my drivers licence. And now I cant even walk.
Recently I picked a fight with the wrong guy who broke my nose and then my leg when i was on the ground. As I am getting the shit kicked out of me I yell “KILL ME” at my attacker who immediately stops. Him and his friends back away as I black out.
I wake up in extreme pain. My foot is pointing the wrong way and I call an […]
My grandma has been living here because of certain circumstances, but she keeps inviting over my little bad ass cousin and she disrupts the entire house! My grandma even told her it was all right for her to stay today and she missed school. For what? Just to go around and get on everyone’s nerves in the house? The girl does NOT listen at all. She’s a bad apple. Period. The girl finally left today and I heard her tell my grandma “See you next week” so I blew the fuck up at my grandmother because this is NOT just her house.
It’s so inconsiderate to […]
So I had a relapse last night. Ive struggled with heroin addiction for about ten or twelve years.
So I scored last night and the dealer accidentally gave me double what I asked for. His fuck up right…. good for me right…..
No. Not good for me. I had this messed up reaction. Ive od’ed a few times and just passed out. But this time I stayed awake. It felt like my heart was stopping. My breathing was getting shallower and shallower. Vision blurred and body was trembling all over. This is it I thought. Im going. Next comes eternal darkness. I was […]
It’s almost midnight and I’m actively trying to recruit my friend to pick me up to drive me to a bar to drink with me… even though I have work tomorrow. So I’m writing this high on some weed I smoked with a complete stranger who I met at this group addiction meeting. I feel like a fuck up and a failure as my therapist runs the meeting and she let me go for free and I fucked things up.
The meeting really made me question my use of drugs but also made me so scared to be sober. I hate myself when I use drugs […]
Wrote it back in 2012, about depression, finally found it hidden in the recesses of my computer.
That little bastard never sleep, always does he creep,
Here now it seeps through me,
Everywhere I am he never agrees,
Righteous ************ just please,
Ease the fuck up you squeeze too tight.
Inside my head you infest,
Silent screams making me depressed.
How the fuck did you get so loud,
Over the others you reign supreme in your own shroud,
Please ************ shut up cause here’s the crowd,
Every voice you ground out now we back ***** shouting loud.
No more will I listen to you,
Every moment dragging me down […]
I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I would do anything to get your forgiveness.
Well… I’ve tried everything.
We all make mistakes. Just one stupid comment and you shut me out.
I’m really sorry. So very sorry.
I won’t bother you anymore. But know… I valued your friendship. I ruined it. I ruined everything. I’m such a fuck up.
I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry.
He did it this past Christmas. I found out about it about a month later. I reacted by being intensely jealous. It was his first attempt and he succeeded. I’ve made three attempts already and am still here.
Right now, I’m fine with that. I’m not particularly suicidal at this moment. But I believe that I’ll ultimately take my own life, whether it’s this year, next year or twenty years from now. I’m just so tired and life (my life, anyway) is meaningless. It makes me so sad that I have people who care about me who I will totally fuck up when I finally do […]
Rant time.
All my life i have spent years hoping that things would turn out alright for once but it seems no matter what i do i always can’t get things right. I just don’t know where i belong in this world I’m not sure if i ave ever really belonged anywhere. sometimes i really just wish i wasn’t such a fuck up, that things went right for once.
Just a thought, but does any one else feel the weight of your future, and notice how light it is? Do you feel like whatever lies in front of you will be so minuscule that it’s not really worth fighting for such a small success? I don’t know, call me a whiny ***** but I can’t really get my mind off of it lately. I guess I give off the same vibes as any other depressed, jobless sonofabitch. But I can’t say I blame me, or anyone else for feeling that way. When you get sucked into a state of depression, or are overpowered by your […]
God dealt me the shit hand really I didn’t asked to be born a fuck up iv come to terms with the first born child is always really a mistake having to stumble though life trying to find your purpose or meaning then you have all the life experience that mess you up and make you self harm depressed and anxious about everything then the doctors want to give you meds just to keep you on a level or think they can fix you but can you really fix something that was broken to begin with don’t see the point in the struggle anymore I feel […]
I don’t understand why I always manage to mess things up i found someone who understands me loved me and was there for me but I sabatage the relationship that there is no coming back this time I can’t for give my self I would rather just disappear it’s almost been a year and time isn’t healing anything how can u let go of a person if u love them
Most of my life its been assumed that i would be the first one, and probably the only one, of my siblings to have a child. i mean, i love kids, everytime i see a baby, i have to hold them because theyre so cute and tiny. i’ve sort of wanted children too, to be able to raise a kid. but i know i cant do it. i cant do that. i cant because i know i will screw that child over. i am not fit to be a parent. its funny though, because my sister, who has disliked children her whole life, is pregnant. […]
I feel like life is one long ass horrible ass nightmare. And if i die I’ll wake the fuck up.
I feel pointless even thinking about what I want, since the universe is against me, but first… I’ve found these videos that make me die laughing. This is my favorite, because it’s just so random and so ridiculous. But I’ve binge watched every video on the channel since yesterday when I found it. I prefer the videos without music, but for the live performances, those are best when they have very bad instrumentals too.
But anyway, I can’t claim to know if this is exactly what I want out of life because if I had it my way entirely, that would probably consist of winning the lottery, […]
But I’m still a coward and a fuck up.
I’m sorry I can’t do anything right.
I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment to you.
I’m sorry I’m such a burden.
I’m sorry I’m not what you wanted.
I’m sorry I’m not good enough.
I’m sorry I can’t live up to your expextations.
I’m sorry I’m so lazy.
I’m sorry I don’t help you enough.
I’m sorry I don’t say I love you anymore.
I’m sorry I don’t kiss you anymore.
I’m sorry I don’t hug you anymore.
I’m sorry I’m not a good daughter.
I’m sorry I can’t keep a long term friendship.
I’m sorry I pushed you away.
I’m sorry I’m weird.
I’m sorry I don’t fit in.
I’m sorry I’m a huge fuck up.
I’m sorry I was born.
I’m […]
I’ve been meaning to post more often but most of the time I try to keep myself busy and try not to either cut or kill myself. Everyday.
Lately I’ve been feeling really, REALLY lonely and really wanting to find a boyfriend, but with my personality and me being very introverted and shy …. It’s really hard for me to approach really any guy or let any guy approach me … I’m just such a fail idk why I haven’t even attempted once more. Maybe this time it’ll work. Maybe I’ll fuck up myself even more. Who knows?
Two years, a recent attempt. A short trip. I get released just as easily. A mistake in calling, not knowing the trip would happen, or that it would be mandatory. They make me feel like shit, but at this point much anyone and anything does that. A rock could do that. Im too sensitive and not in a good way, I remain bitter. I try to operate from a place of rightous anger. At this moment, I’m surrounded by people I am aware do not like me. I was supposed to accept it, but when you feel… like that sort of weird, unapprochable person for […]
What a horrible day. I feel like a complete fuck up. I’ve decided not to eat today just to punish myself. Maybe I will do better tomorrow. Probably not though. I forsee things getting worse.
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