Dammit i feel like crap im scared to admit it. Ive just contradicted the past things ive said…i always do. Im really so confused. Fuck the paion is just so harsh it makes me want to give up and just stop trying because its too painfull to do anything. I admit im feeling shitscared about my dr appt today yes its orrational but nonetheless it is there. My thoughts just dominate me togeat lengths.
I honesrly dont even know what im thinking or what i want. its fuckinghard to explain
i havent had anysleep tonite. No desire for it i take […]
Tag:
God
I used to be one of those people who could summon infinite happiness from even the smallest things. Seriously, I’d walk down the street, and I’d find a nickel, and suddenly that was the best day of my life. What happened to that person? What happened to me? I know what happened. I just don’t know why it did. Why did it happen to me? That’s a question we all ask ourselves right: why me? I realize now that there’s just never an answer to why me always seems to be the butt of God’s cruelest jokes. So lately I’ve found myself asking a different question: what if? […]
everythings bad. Ive tried so many things to get better , But I don’t want to get better , I want to kill myself. Ive tried a couple times , it never works . this time it will though , I hate my life , Im ugly , my family hate me , I have no friends , Im depression , I cant even go outside without having an anxiety attack . I don’t have a life anymore , All I do all day is sit in my room. I cant even go to school , no one talks to me , I have scars everywhere […]
I could fight, but then I might
All too knowingly invite
Useless hope into this life
A life that isn’t right
Made of dark, afraid of light
Called to empty, endless night
A life that isn’t even life
I could plead, get on my knees
And beg my God to fill my need
But where is He now when I bleed?
And then I sit alone and read
Of those who in their pain secede
To death’s thirsty, luring greed
Let me follow where they lead
I could fake and lie and break
In secret, cuts and bruises make
To cope with a life I long to take
Hating every day I wake
Living only for your sake
Drowning in this burning lake
Sinking down […]
Life is completely boring to me. After reading and seeing the exploits of fantasy life seems boring. I long for the days of old. To be a Samurai during a time of war would please me deeply. I wish something would happen to real life like in the movies. An alien invasion, some all powered god going berserk. However this will never happen for it’s just a fantasy. This mundane life is enough to make me want to end it. Of course I won’t because frankly I don’t want to be a burden to my family. I may not fully understand the emotion of love […]
So … I haven’t told anyone about my suicide thoughts but I can really just say I am exhausted of life. Not that I don’t appreciate it, I just want to be once something or someone I have planned. I believe in the afterlife and after reading the book “many lives, many masters” my fear and point of view of the afterlife or what is happening after the dead. I did research and I found out and it’s what that book is delivering: you can choose who and what you want to be in your next life, life lesson you want to learn and a […]
I hurt. For a long time. The world fell apart… it collapsed beneath my feet. Things took a horrible turn, and I thought it was over. My pain would be gone. My hurt. My life. It would all be gone. And it didn’t feel bad about it, in fact it felt amazing. Then, I stopped myself. And things got better. I tried harder. I made myself feel better. But when you think about it, your pain is always going to be there. It’ll never leave you. That’s exactly what happened. It all came crashing back.
I’ve helped my friends. They’ve all had thoughts too. But, I […]
This was such a busy week for me. Thank God it’s Friday and I can finally relax. Hope everyone has a nice weekend.
the warm fuzzy feeling i had last week didn’t last too long. the feeling that maybe life isn’t such a bad thing and maybe there was hope for the future. my talent for self sabotage rears its head again. it is a talent rooted in self protection. always waiting for the other shoe to drop. no good deed goes unpunished so to speak. if i feel good about myself and life karma always seems to find a way to kick me in the ass. i tell you god is one twisted mofo. but as i am constantly reminded i am still here. can’t be all […]
.I feel so depressed, I feel like i’m becoming emotionally and physically weaker! I just feel so dull and sick that I don’t even want to wake up in the mornings and feel like i have no hope :'( No one accepts me the way i am and I have become a bit boring since my depression. Idk if its because of that or not though…=( Gahh sorry for being dramatic but i feel very bad nowadays I’ve been lonelier than ever before as my self-proclaimed “best friends” don’t even message me or call me or anything. I understand that I go to a different […]
Im trying to remain strong but it seems like everything i try to do is futile, it feels like im getting weaker and weaker each day, i failed at college, i am not performing well at work, i have family that are distancing themselves from me. I feel like i am a curse, my father was a failure & im scared that if i continue to live i might end up like him.My mind is slowly deteriorating each day, people keep telling me that things will get better for years now but nothing has changed.This world is not for me. If GOD does’nt take me […]
I swear, Trevor is either bipolar, a liar, or just weird. He goes and says that I’m ugly one day, but then he acts like he likes me the next. Today, he was talking about me to my friend Bailey. This is what they said : Trevor: Hey, do you know that girl named Courtney? Bailey: Yeah. Trevor: She smells better than she usually does.. Â So, yeah. Weird. I don’t know whether to take offense to it or not because it’s so weird. Seriously. I mean, he may be saying that I used to stink. Then again, he might be trying to compliment me, […]
I dont know where to start.Everyday , before I sleep , I pray to God to take my life.I don wanna live anymore.I want to start with my father.He doesnt care about me , He didnt care about me till today ,btw I am 23.He only thinks money.He gave me little money even he can afford much.For example,in November , I wanted to him to buy me boots because mines were old(I was using them for 5 years).He said ok , and we went to shopping.After we bought them he abused at me hurl.Why does a dad do something like that to his son although […]
June 20th 2011, a day I will never forget. That was the day I first started to have thoughts of suicide. They spawned from who knows where, it just happened. My family and I were on a road trip in an RV, I was going to the front to see the corn feilds whirring by, when suddenly, I dunno what came over me, but the once innocent eleven year old girl, grabbed the handle to the door, thank God it was locked, who knows what I might’ve done.
September 25th, 2011, My 12th birthday was here, shoulda been happy, but I wasn’t. Sure it looked like […]
Sooo, I have a new crush. His name is Austin. God, he is so cute. He has blonde hair, a six pack, braces (I like braces, for some reason), and I think he has blue eyes. I went to my friend’s house yesterday, and it was her brother’s birthday. He had some friends over, and Austin was one of them. We played football, did random stupid stuff, and I had a lot of fun with him. I swear he was flirting. He insulted my favorite video game, started to tease me slightly, and then ran away. I chased him around, too. I can run a […]
so i would have been dead today, but once again my fucking life just gets better by the second. was trying to drive until i found a nice drop off a cliff or something but, as my life goes, my god damn truck wouldnt even START for me to do that. Go figure….the one shitty thing i had left in this world that was always there for me, has now finally shit out. I feel the same as that “Friday” posting author, dont really want my family to find me. But i also cant keep fucking waking up to this shit world everyday thinking “YES..another […]
I honestly don’t know where to begin. I know this isn’t where I thought I would be, at 34. Writing an anonymous blog about how the scope of my life suddenly seems meaningless.  I’m tired of smiling on the outside when I’m crying on the inside. I’m tired of helping people through all their misery and pain, yet they forget to help me when I’m in need. I’m tired of work, and the stress it has caused me — but I’ve gone too far. I’m too accomplished that leaving would cause all the would-be supporters to clamor, “you’re such an idiot for throwing away your career.” […]
it seems that this site is mostly just a vent site, blah blah, and moderators pick and choose who has the right to speak and who does not….why did my comment, simply stating both sides to the “suicide methods” argument on here get spammed ?….it was a genuine comment, by me, about this topic….
I would like to here a legit argument for this, as my post clearly stated, that although I think the moderation of people discussing suicide, its methods etc is ridiculous for a suicide project website, I full understand the legal, moral issues etc behind this….and I think a link to my blog […]
Tomorrow I go in for surgery, If the cancer is still there next month they will try again but if it fails twice i’m going to most likely die. I’ve been wishing to die for so long now but now that there is a chance I will…god, i’m scared. And what makes it so scary was when I collapsed on top of the building i was about to jump off of, I didn’t expect to wake up and find out I have cancer. But I do, and i’m trying so hard to stay strong through it all but it is really really hard.
Wish me […]
Rules are made to enslave boredom is there to tell you it’s time to change the view i just want to find the cheat codes so i can fly
everytime i turn on the tv i feel like smashing the room i hate to work and be taxed because people i don’t know are having it a little worse then me all i find are lies dyed in virtue i hate this world because a hero gets a bullet in the head and the villain gets a medal
Someone else has to tell me how to live because god said so or half the people elected a puppet.My family doesn’t know shit about […]