and here we are again. Back to old self-defeating habits. Hope?
What is hope? Is it believing that there could POSSIBLY be something better? Is it waking up and looking forward to the following day?
Happiness?… We use this word as if it’s nothing. As if in a split second everything could go from complete shit, to being honky dory and you could be happy for the rest of your life. When someone asks me why I can’t “Put on a smile! Get out of the house!” I honestly don’t even know what to say. Yes, I know how to smile. But I don’t know how to mean it. All […]
Tag:
Happiness
I really don’t understand myself. I just got back from my Prom, and I have to say it wasn’t as bad as I expected, but that’s because I had no expectations at all! Anyway, for some of it, I was really really happy and I danced and laughed and had a lovely time. However, for other parts, I just sat staring into nothing and feeling numb and wanting to die. This also happened whilst I was on the dancefloor, and I just stayed there awkwardly dancing and wondering how easy it would be to just do it at that exact moment, like jump from the […]
Last night I went to one of my best friend’s house. She
asked if I wanted to go get ice cream and when I said yes her face lit up. She
kept asking if I was sure, as we drove to the ice cream place, as we stood in
line, as we ordered. I spent the night and this morning we went into her
kitchen and devoured all the food we could find, like normal teenagers. Â After everything we ate she would offer
something else, I would say yes, and she would just smile cheek to cheek. Afterwards
we went to a pool and while […]
Couldnt control my crying once more..
This time, it got worse, I was trying to run away from hurting myself, so i took some sleeping pills, and slept the day away..
Woke up to another dose of pain and yelling, then took some more.. and slept away..
I slept and slept till i lost the count of days.. It got so bad that I actually tripled the dosage.. I wanted to escape life..
Unfortunately I woke up…
Though I’m living today as a zombie.. I still don’t want to live..
The burden of being selfish to take out my life is hindering me…
But not for long..
I just wonder how can you […]
my ex girlfriend’s boyfriend want to have sex with me because she cheated on him with me…….HUH?
i moved on 4 months ago so why now…something always kills my happiness
not this time…….POSITIVE thats their problem not mine
STRENGTH…..haha not there!!!!
I don’t want to make new friends nor meet my ‘other half’ .. I don’t want a job .. I don’t want to hang on to the idea this world can be a better place .. I don’t even want happiness .. I don’t want any reason to be tied to this world
All I want is OUT .. Why are we conditioned, encouraged to believe life is -that- valuable? I’m also tired of hearing: suicide is never the answer .. If you were to kill yourself, people who care about you would be crushed, devastated etc
Well, I don’t think I’m that responsible for anyone well-being […]
People are part of life, family, friends, even unknown people whom we have to talk with if we want to walk through life. Do we really have true friends? have you ever make this question to yourself? Human nature is to be selfish. Friends will let you down, that is a fact. People will always come and go.  That is a fact that we have to accept if we want to feel at least comfortable in life. because I don’t like to use the term “happy”. Happiness is actually an illusion, an illusion that suddenly will become a need. Parents , boyfriend, girlfriend, our friends. Everybody have said […]
I’ve done some things that I can’t live with , so why do I to put on this fake smile? Everyday for me consists of keeping a lid on myself,
I don’t go one day without contemplating suicide, I literally spent 9am-5pm goggling quick suicide methods and I ‘m beginning to think pills will take to long.
Fuck, today I couldn’t even carry on a conversation with my own mom without my
anxiety going through the damn roof. Man, I haven’t left my room for shit today. My body is hungry
but mentally I am full. Weed doesn’t even make me hungry anymore but at […]
I come from a decent family and did not suffer a tramatic childhood. However it was not perfect. There was poverty. There was social services and cops. There was divorce and suicidal thoughts. What are we here for? To keep working, smile at eachother. If you don’t desire possessions then you don’t desire money. If you don’t care about money then you don’t care about a house,car,family ect. So why try? 40,60,80,100 years on this earth to make and work for what you leave behind? Why wait? I care too much about my family to make them look for my body. I care to much […]
All that I ever was and still partially am is care. People say I am very caring and sweet. They say that I do things other guys never do. If I am so good then why do I feel so empty? Why do I long to feel that girl on my shoulder? Why do I long to do more?   But yet why do I feel myself losing care for all these questions to be answered? Is it possible that the pain has finally stopped, no it’s still there. The pain is trying to hide,looking for the right time to reappear. It is pretty bad nowadays when […]
Some days it’s easy to hate the reality of your own existence. Some times it’s simple to think there isn’t a point to getting by and getting on with life. Some how it’s simple to die on the inside.
Sometimes…but not always. Sometimes people bring you back from the brink- a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a best friend etc… Until they leave me also.
I used to think that it would take some kind of life altering event to cause someone to spiral down the rabbit hole of depression, that people were born happy or content and then we’re twisted by the world around us.
The more I think […]
Tear after the other, I failed to finish crying….
Keeping this mask on is draining my last bit of sanity..
Why is it when your sad you are always alone? Why is it that only I find pleasure in being there among those  who pretend to care?
Where is everyone now, when I am the one in need?
Been strong for so long, but loneliness has taken its toll on me, I dared to seek care… I dared to ask for tenderness.. I dared to imagine being loved.. But time after time, the nightmare kicked me in the guts, with phantoms of beings which never gave any of such …
Until..
I met […]
Outside I’m happy
Inside I’m sad
Why can’t all of me feel glad.
Why can’t my happiness go deeper within
So my heart doesn’t feel like a sin.
A great big smile for u all to see
But behind the smile there is much pain with me.
I wish I could cry and realise the pain
instead this sorrow feels it must remain.
So I write my poems for u all to hear
But my life u must not fear.
The words must be said the feelings felt
Then the dark thoughts will hopefully melt
Hey guys,I haven’t really been this open about my problems,but I feel like I need to find emotional support.Here’s what’s going on:First of all,there was this guy that I really cared about.We dated a little over a month.When we first talked,I actually thought that he was such a good guy when I didn’t even know that it was an act.Anyway,around the last part of the month,he didn’t see me for two whole weeks when he usually stops by every week.He told me one night that he was done looking for someone because he found me.So,I gave him the benefit of a doubt that he was […]
Everyday brings the same crap, everyday I wake up nauseous as hell.
Everyday I think about how I can successfully kill myself. My parents think I
need to be under medication, because I find it hard to express emotions and feelings when I find everything pretty shitty.
Any temporary happiness I have is always clouded with suicidal thoughts.
As each day goes by sleep is something I resent more and more. Truth is I hate sleeping because I hate waking up to another shitty day
in this existence.I live with the innate idea that if I was never born, I would be happier since I would […]
I just want to know when I will be happy, why can’t it be now, why can’t I just know, nothing is ever certain. I hate this.I hate my cuts. I hate the scars, I hate my head, fuck I hate, so much. I feel sick.
i dont believe in fairy tales
I dont believe in wishing wells
i dont believe in love at first sight
I dont believe in strolls under the moonlight
I dont believe in one final kiss
I dont believe in it’s you I’ll miss
I dont believe in it’s meant to be
I dont believe in it’s you and me
I dont believe in my heart is yours
I dont believe in love’s chores
I dont believe in butterflies
I dont belive in the feeling’s lies
I dont believe in reminiscing
I dont believe in kissing
I dont believe in together
I dont believe in forever
I really dont believe […]
A darkness has fell upon me,
One that has an insatiable hunger for my soul,
It’s been feeding on what happiness i have,
Draining the hope i have for it to stop,
Guiding me to unknown places,
With temptations of opportunities to feel better,
Food has lost it’s taste,
I have no appetite,
Sleep kills the high,
I had worked all day to reach,
(I feel sick…)
This darkness is consuming me,
Taking a firm grasp on my mind,
Making me more vulnerable,
The darkness,
it knaws at your thoughts,
injects you with it’s drug,
tears the flesh right from your bones,
After it has had it’s fun,
When […]
If we could all just win a few million dollars, would that make a difference to anyone?
If you had one wish would you choose money, or death?
I think I would choose the money because I believe I could buy the happiness I always wanted with that and plus If I had the money death would be a breeze! I could afford to buy all the drugs in the world have my own house were I could die peacefully if I choose…
BUT… that will never happen, FML, I just want to die die die!
My nightmares
When children have nightmaresÂ
It’s usually of the dark
Fears born from lies
Thoughts born from the unknownÂ
Their dreams are plagued with monsters and ghosts, darkness and ghouls.Â
They wake up knowing that it was just a dream
That in reality there’s nothing to fear but fear itself
Oh how I wish I was still like that
Because in my dreams monsters serve me, ghosts fear me, ghouls fall for me and darkness is my kingdom.Â
these are my happy dreams
The ones I hope to relive
You see, my mind is kind of flipped on its lid.Â
My nightmares are of love
Of happiness
Of caring