I hate my brain. I just thought you should know if your brain is telling you that you should kill yourself, you’re not alone. If your brain is trying to  give you images and visions of how great it would feel to tighten that rope around your neck and you know that its wrong, you are not alone. They’re really seductive right? These thoughts are the true “siren’s call”; a call for eternal peace and an escape from pain. I’m lucky though. I have a thought that I’ve trained myself to repeat. It is this, “Today is a test. Tomorrow might be a test too. But it […]
Tag:
Heart
So, here are the lyrics to my song, as promised. I call it “Something from the Nothing”
8 years old, she’s beautiful
Loving life and all its flaws
But she doesn’t understand the pain to come
And now it has begun
*Chorus*
Little girl, close your eyes
Don’t give into the lies
You are so beautiful
Can’t you see?
See everything you can be,
And everything you’ve become
You can still turn it all around
I know you’ll make it somehow;
Just hold onto something from the nothing in your heart
12 years old, nothing to live for
She’s given up on life
Wants to leave this world
Hi – I’m a 22 year old girl, and I have had the luck to find someone who is the perfect match for me. If something like a “soulmate” exists, then I found mine, the love of my life. However, over 4 months ago I lost him to amnesia….he’s a soldier and he experienced a very bad psychic trauma, since that he forgot nearly everything about his past and his life. Of course, I was gone too. Over the months some of his memories came back, but nothing about me…I only saw him twice in this condition, and the last time was over 2 months […]
My friend Tennyson.. Actually, I like him. And he knows that. But he doesn’t like me. I know he doesn’t. He said so. Anyway, on the bus earlier, he pulled out a pocket knife and cut himself. I could literally feel my heart ripping itself apart because there was absolutely nothing I could do. I told him to get on facebook, but I doubt that he will. The worst part is that I heard his friend say, “Well, why do you want to kill yourself?!”. I don’t want him to die. God, he’s been going to therapy.. I don’t know what to do. I love […]
There seems to be a common theme when I get messages or responses from people on some of my posts. I would like to address those now.
1. “Time will heal”(or any variation of that): My answer is this, it has been over 10 years for me. I hurt like it is day 1. My heart has not healed, in fact, it is very much an open, gaping wound. Every where I go I see her. I feel her, I sense her… it isn’t going away. Time is only making it harder on me. If it was getting better, if I was truly on the path […]
“Love like my butterfly, unconditional. Open arms welcome all in pain, worn, used. Welcome… This is home. This is love. Have a seat and pour out your soul. This lioness will listen. A butterfly in her heart and a wolf in her mind, loving without question and protecting with her life. Fall into my arms, I will wipe your tears and hold you close. Trust me and I will protect you.”
I have fallen so many times in the past year. It’s been really hard for me since my mom left. But this site, the people here, have pulled me through. Thank you all so much. […]
“There’s too much love in the world. Sometimes I think that’s what heaven is—- a place where everybody’s happy because nobody loves anybody else, ever.”
Sometime I really HATE LOVE, I do. Sometimes I just want to kick the Sh*t out of love…. “How can u do this to me???…”
I hate the fact that I need love, that I want love, not to say that love is enough or that love solves all problems but many of us are on this site b/c we want love in our lives. we want someone to care… I hate that I WANT someone to care. Why is it […]
there are no words capable of expressing how much she has broken me.
i hope she never has the audacity to ask why.
i have a plan and a date already set, but i don’t think i can suffer this heartache for 76 more days.
i could never stop loving her. when i promised her my heart it was forever and always, no matter what. when she promised hers, it was only until something else comes along. i will not break my promise and become like her and like everyone else. my hearts last breath with be only for her, even if she has become so horrible and […]
Day was especially crap. But that is no surprise. Don’t really feel like talking about it.
I have a question though,
Should I get a cat?
Let me explain a bit, I’ve always LOVED cats, I’ve done volunteer work at a cat shelter, I absolutely love them. They are like my soulmates (if that makes any sense). I had one, which would scratch me all the time, and once cut my eye lid and it was really bad (had to go to the hospital and all), and my mom started getting really worried and didn’t trust the cat, so we had to give him back. Then I got […]
Today I was seconds away from ending my life. What changed my mind I still do not know.
After 10 years of SEVERE deppresion I am tired, I am tired of it all. I am exhausted.
I tried fighting back for year after year. Medications and therapy(many different therapists) for 10 years and I have not moved a single step forward. Not one step..
2 years ago I gave up. After 8 years of trying I was tired of fighting and in the end i realised I am never going to feel joy again. Â I gave up hope.
I have always had suicidal thoughts for as long as I […]
I think the worst part of almost every day is waking up, it is for me, at least.
I hate it simply because it means I have a whole new, painful, disappointing  day ahead of me. It’s just so damn painful to get out of bed, physically ad emotionally. I have no wish to even get out because I have nothing to live for and look forward to. And when you pair that with all the aches, lethargy, and that feeling you get in your chest that feels like your heart was made of lead just makes it such a painful moment of the day.
Yesterday
I couldn’t sleep. I was tired, I was exhausted. But I couldn’t. It had been three hours since I had been trying to fall asleep.
It started to hurt, so badly.
The pain was growing and growing.
I kept scratching the skin in my chest, hoping to get the skin away, to rip my heart off.Â
At least that way it would stop hurting.
Then I went for a cigarette, trying to relax while listening to some music.
But when I came back to my room, my mind was set in what it wanted to do.
So I grabbed the blade, and rubbed it against my skin. And […]
Light
Will someday split you open
Even if your life is now a cage,
For a divine seed, the crown of destiny,
Is hidden and sown on an ancient fertile plain
You hold the title to.
Love will surely bust you wide open
Into an unfettered, blooming new galaxy
Even if your mind is now
A spoiled mule.
A life-giving radiance will come,
The Friend’s gratuity will come –
O look again within yourself,
For I know you were once the elegant host
To all the marvels in creation.
From a sacred crevice in your body
A bow rises each night
And shoots your soul into God.
Behold the Beautiful Drunk Singing […]
I have grown closer to my mom but she broke that bond yesterday when you yelled at me about my grades. I have a step-dad and I hate him, I know it is a strong word but he has made this family worse than it already is. My brother always puts me down and he always gets the highest preaise cause he is smarter and he get good grades, he is in 4th grade. This family means nothing to me anymore and the only person I really love is my grandma cause she loves me and she cares about me and she doesnt bring me […]
So, I went for a hike today after work and found this spot, its so beautiful. I think that had I had the freedom I would have jumped. But there is still some busness for me to finsih before I am able. There is some family debt I want to clear, some things I need to make sure are to the proper owners and I need to file my tax’s so that my family can have the funds. 🙂 But all in all my plan is going great so much.
One month
Two days
Then the pain is over.
How could it be
This land of make believe
Do you ever get that feeling where you don’t want to talk to anybody? You don’t want to smile and you don’t want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don’t know exactly what’s wrong either. There isn’t a way to explain it to someone who doesn’t already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being alone never was. At least when you’re alone no one will constantly ask you what’s wrong, and there isn’t anyone who won’t take ‘I don’t know’ for an answer. You feel the […]
i am sick of being used, i am sick of feeling played and unwanted. i dont want to be led on, but im never the control of the leash. what is better about he/her/them? what the fuck do people see/not see i mean really i have to know. But fuck you, fuck you fuck you, okay? fuck you.. i dont know. i hate how i feel sometimes. i have no one to turn to, i have no one to talk to. eventually people get bored or whatever and just stop talking to me so, whatever. i guess in reality im pathetic. im really just running […]
If you’re reading this you’re probably in some type of pain… You may be having a bad day, you may have self harmed, you may have skipped a meal or thrown one up, you may have made some horrible mistakes today, but guess what?? Â You’re still alive & I’m so proud of you for that. I guarantee suicide went through your head at least once today but you had the strength to overcome the urge… that’s amazing. You’re amazing. If no one can be proud of you for that, think of me. A complete stranger who couldn’t be happier that you’re alive. We all make […]
So I haven’t cut in a while. But I had a bad day today and I really, really want to. My parents are trying to help me, but they won’t listen. It’s just question after question. I can’t go to my mom or my dad because neither of them handle stress well, and this would stress them out. Â I want to cry, but I’m too upset to even cry right now. I want things to get better. I miss promises being true. Every time I get a promise now, though, it’s broken. And it hurts. Â I’ve had so many guys that I really, really liked […]
I die inside so you can smile
I limp to my room so you can run a mile
I wear rags so you can have style
I cry inside so you can play outside in the leaf pile
I can break this family with one phrase
I could end their naive daze
Mom won’t think its just a phase
and it wont just be my heart set ablaze
But quiet ill stay for the sake of them all
I can take the pain no matter how big or small
I can “Trip” down the stairs and fall
I can get hit in the face with a “Soccer ball”
I live in hell so you can live care […]