Hi, call me Kninea, and no that’s not my real name. We were told to not use them so this is my username now. Some of you have found this website the same way I did. Through a book, things like smooth passages. I have dealt with my own version of depression. Hasn’t everyone at least once in their life? I, myself, have fleeting moments of depression, but those moments are almost unbearable. I have decided to tell you my opinion on depression. I, honestly, have contemplated suicide, but I wouldn’t want my family to go through the pain I go through. That’s the only […]
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I’ve been so angry at my ex, sometimes to the point where I want to say or do mean things. I’ve been able resist actually saying anything (although at one point I made my friend hold onto my phone so I couldn’t text her).
But in the last few day I’ve been feeling a little less angry, just so incredibly sad (although I expect the anger to return periodically). I miss her and everything we had. I miss the future I thought we’d have together. I miss having someone who knew me as well as she did, someone who is my best friend, who I can trust […]
I am so tired of life… for 3 years now i have been suffering from depression, My family wont help me and I cant trust anyone, I have tried to kill myself before by trying to suffocate myself didn’t work as i panicked, but i think i will try the suicide bag method as this seems to be the best i have been researching it, and i think i will go ahead with my plans as soon as i get a hold of everything i need.
You hope I’m okay? Yeah, I hope you are too. I’m not sure of much these days I’ll say that is for sure. You know? I guess sitting here in front of the river it’s like you’re way over there, on the other side. I see you, you see me and we both see this chasm between us. I definitely feel it. It feels like a closed chapter if I had to articulate it. I woke up from a nightmare that lasted for months. I woke up to my normal nightmare, that is. But you have no idea how waking up to you across this […]
Hard day yesterday. Cried a lot. I usually hold it in for a month or two and then it all comes bursting out. It sucks but I always feel much better the next day. I was listening to JJ Grey and Mofro’s song Sun is Shining Down and it triggered me. I’m not religious at all. I think it is the powerful emotion in his voice.
Is not being able to tell anyone. Limited to a note. An afterthought. No deep conversations. No reassurances. Just a fucking piece of paper. I want to tell people. I dont want to be stopped. I want to say a real goodbye. But you cant. You have to hold the secret, while you make ready. You have to prepare them without telling them. That’s what makes it a selfish act. How selfish of society, to make something so personal into a selfish act itself, because you can’t ease the burden for them without interference.
For everyone who tried to say that the 20 year old at least liked me. I had a feeling I couldn’t hold my breath on him because it’s a lie. So there you go. No one can like me just like I said. He lied.
I have a friend today. And that’s all that matters to me in this moment. Im so scared. I just want an escape. I just want a friend to hold me. I just want someone to be there for me. I just want closure.
There isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think of ending my life. I continue to live for my family, although latley that reason doesn’t hold as much weight as it used to. I feel like all I am is a burden for them. I’ve tried my whole life to succeed and be a positive person in this world but it just seems I can’t catch a break. I’m on my 4th hip surgery and I do not see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore. I’m in such a dark place and have been here before. I’m tired of the fight. […]
And in the end, there is nothing, nothing more than the silent, empty, cold reality of death. No more tears, no more pain, no more suffering… Just the empty reality of a pain-filled existence now come to pass. Laid to rest in the cold, hard ground in the middle of winter, while the only ones who cared about you try to tell others how much they cared about you, but you know the truth: it was a lonely existence with half-hearted lovers who want to leave but don’t want to disappoint, backstabbing people who called themselves your best friends, and depression so strong that days […]
Started with a new psychiatrist recently. When I told her I couldn’t stop thinking about killing myself she immediately started me on anti-psychotics. I’ve never been on them before, and I have to say I do feel a little better. And I couldn’t get what I needed for my plan anyway, so the plan is on hold. For now. We’ll see how long this medicine works.
Before, I would fill with emotions until I could no longer hold anymore. When it would become too much, I would overflow and spill to whoever would sit long enough for me to empty.
Now, I expand for my surroundings. Once I have reached the brim, I become deeper to allow more issues to pour in. I am a bottomless bottle. I am no longer required to open up. It is not a necessity to empty, since there is always room for more. I am sealed.
Even if I become too full to carry on, I’m not sure I even know how to create a small leak to lighten […]
So I had that dream again. You know – that dream of the last time you felt truly happy. You relive that past experience time and time again in your dreams. And you have this dream, and it’s so amazing, wonderful and happy. And then you start to wake up. And the happiness starts slipping away as you wake more and more. And the depression takes a stronger hold and screams, “Ha-Ha! FUCK YOU! That wasn’t real! IT’S ALL GONE!” So you want to sleep, but can’t because “that dream” might happen again. So sweet, and yet so devastating.
Yup. Been there my friend.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I’m afraid of this being the worst birthday ever for me. Not that it’s ever meant anything before. Only once as a little kid was my birthday really celebrated. I was maybe 4 or 5 and my mom had a friend from work who shared my birthday so he came over for dinner and she had a cake with both our names on it and he gave me a toy guitar and strung it up left handed for me. Then a couple of weeks later my mom threw it out because “music is the work of the devil” and all that. At some point when […]
My husband of four year hates me..
He has lost all of his patient.. He’s very short and snappy with his words..
Little things about me that used to not bother him make him go off
We can never have non-casual conversations anymore..
He raises his voice more often than ever..
His kiss on a cheek or him saying love you is just a daily routine but not out of his heart..
Now he only cuddles, hugs, puts his arm around me, kisses, or is sweet when he wants sex…
I feel like being stuck at a bottom of a pool but don’t know how to swim…
I know our marriage is ending, […]
I wanna kill myself tonight , i wanna slip away from sadness. Be forever done with feeling like the room is getting small the air getting thicker and theres more room on the floor i can breath better. But i cant freak out in front of them. So i hold it in. Im dead inside i dont want to feel anymore.
all i’m asking for is a RED ROSE … it’s stupid maybe ,,
under the rain ,, on a sidewalk .. walking there .. to see that shadow of a man .. holding that red rose .. waitting for me .. i come .. he give it to me … and then i go home .. to lay in my bed with that red rose .. to hold it close to my heart in the cold nights.. remembering that rain and that shadow .. about rain and sun and roses .. about life .. about love .. about the warmth … about zina … the name […]
so ive been on autopilot to deal with depression for the last 4 years, but now with counselling and therapy I’m starting to come back to life. I’m noticing my feelings and the feelings of people around me. I look at my friend and she is just like I was, apart from shes not on auto pilot, shes feeling every ounce of pain and hopelessness. everything in my body wants to go over there and hold her, and tell her something, make the pain go away, cry with her, so she doesn’t feel so alone. but what do you say? what do you do? we […]
I wish I was alone. To have nothing to hold on to. To no longer have a reason to exist. It would be so easy then. To just let the grip my hands have been struggling to hold go. To feel the world’s darkness eat me as a whole. They think it’s a phase, that it’s just something I’ve been going through, that I’ll get over it after a short period of time. They don’t understand. They think I’m doing this to myself for things that don’t matter to them. But they never thought that maybe they’re the reason why I’m struggling to live. Why […]