I find myself feeling numb. Sometimes a spark of happinesss comes in, or a glimmer of hope, or moments of excrutiatingly painful, lonely, sadness. I feel as if I don’t want to end my life, but I’d like too end the pain, sorrow, and for once, I’d like too feel again. In a good way.
Just wondering whether anyone knows where killswitchon is? It’s just that he hasn’t posted in a while, and I can’t find any of his old posts. I just miss his presence here, his videos gave me a bit of hope. And I just wanted to make sure that he’s okay.
I thought I had posted this last night but don’t see it. I don’t really understand all the SEO stuff but I checked them all. It seems like the most secure thing to do.
Anyway, all I can think of is ending my life here and planning it in terms of finding a few pets other homes, etc. I am older so it’s not like I have “my whole life ahead of me”. Depression/dysthymia with a few major episodes, nervous breakdowns, excruciating pain then surgeries then more excruciating pain, pain meds addiction. Finally managed to get out of pain and thru several Dr.s and bad doctoring […]
I’ve been so focused on trying to be successful that I haven’t really been depressed as usual.Ever since my friend has came from jail he feels like I owe him.(long story)?The thing Is I’m a different person from a year ago.A year ago I was still lost,I didn’t know how to go on when my ex left me.Today,I just want to retire my mom & be successful.Its kinda Ironic that I’m In ?the life Insurance business but there’s times when I want to take my life.I cant kill myself now.Even after these past couple of months working 8 commission jobs & I have nothing […]
Why is it that every time I try to end it all my conscious is like “No you can’t do this.”? Is it because I don’t have the guts to actually cut my vein?Or is it because I still have hope that I can conquer this battle? Yet, I can still harm myself? And not think twice about what I’m doing. Maybe I can conquer this battle or my demons are just playing around with me.
I painted this picture one day when existentialism was strong on my mind. I hadn’t painted it because I was feeling suicidal. I hadn’t painted it because I wanted some attention from my parents. I hadn’t painted it just because it looked cool. I painted it because it spoke to me. I hear a lot of negative opinions from all of my family about suicide. They say those people are cowards. They say those people don’t know how good life is. They say those people are selfish. They say those people are mental. Well I say different. I say suicide is damn ugly and suicide […]
It does not matter…
… What i say
… What i do
… How hard i try
… How much i beg
I cant change a person.
We are who we want to be.
I cant live like this anymore…
I dont want to live like this anymore.
Im not crazy…
Im just really tired of hurting…
Im just really tired of fighting for nothing.
I hope there isn’t. After I die, whether it happens tomorrow or in 60 years, I don’t want to exist in any way, shape, or form.
I know he had struggles though I know nothing more than what was posted over the past 15 or so days. I haven’t seen him post since his last message that said his time was drawing to an end that night after two unsuccessful attempts. He was lonely and without hope. I don’t know if he is around (though I hope he is) or not but regardless I still light a candle for him.
Nothing to look forward to.
Nothing to keep me strong.
~
She died alone, her last few days on earth
caged. Knowing this, my heart breaks.
~
The stars were never meant for me to see.
Just a shit hole, that is what will always be.
~
Many, many times I passed up security for true love, because I wanted love that was passionate and consuming. It has been almost two years, and only within this past month, I begun to heal in some way from him.
~
She died lost and scared, thrown away. Her body tossed into the incinerator.
Knowing this, my heart cannot bear.
I […]
Ive always wondered if life was genuinely worth all the pain and anxiety. It seems like in order for me to live peacefully I need to inflict pain on myself and is that really a way to live? Is it worth feeling this everyday until eventually one day I die? If it’s going to happen at some point anyway then I’d hope for it to happen sooner rather than later to be honest.
Does anyone else ever stop and think just how impressive this sight is? not the people on it (who are all unique and amazing in their own way) but the very sight itself that allows people from all over the world to reach out and get help from people who know what they are going through. a site that focus’s on helping people survive and where possible “get better”. For a group of people so devoid of hope it seems to be a beacon of strength and that hope that so many lost, what an utterly incredible place. I would love to know just how […]
Forcing my self to sleep… Hope sleep finds me and never leaves… I havent even slept… And yet… im already dreading to wake up… Maybe tonight would be special… If im lucky… I dont have to go through another day pretending to live.
(I wrote a little thing and feel free to look at it when you need someone to tell you a story to help you out a little. I’ve always been afraid to share it online out of the fear of it being stolen, because I like to keep the writing that I hold dear to me to myself, but I feel like it should be shared, not stolen.)
She had always felt worthless. Everyone and everything around her made her feel like a bad person, but she didn’t know that she had a heart of gold because no one would tell her. She tried to be […]
I need to clarify things. Everything is messed in my mind. I have gone through enough of illusions so I don’t want to fall for another one. My experience isn’t for nothing, it teaches me what NOT to do or which among my thoughts is another illusion. But.. this job has changed a lot of things. It was guilt, fear and worthlessness that were making me suffer all these years, and from that suffering were arising my desires for higher things. With this job that guilt is gone, and so is gone my craving for higher things. But there is no satisfaction! Where is my […]
People used to always tell me I looked like my sister… she was my best friend through out all the shit we went through, never leaving my side and always by me. She was my rock but then things just got way out of control and then we separated and it’s still so new to me because I’m not used to not seeing her or her not coming to me for advice … no one told us how hard it is to loose someone so close to you. I wish she could see me living my dream and be there cheering me on but I […]
Hi everyone,
I signed up today because it is time that I seek support. I’m going through a lot of pain because of my past and present, and it is not going in the right direction. That is very hard for me to admit. Every day is a fight. I’m trying to be strong and build a life for myself, but I feel very alone and the hope and motivation is fading. I used to make friends easily, but this past year took all life out of me, and I’m now too tired to go out and meet people. My family never calls anymore, and I […]
life or something like that hey. Here we all are trying to …what exactly? humans are an incredible virus intent only to breed and feel . To feed off of selflessness in this poetic insanity. In all forms our humanity is formless. A virus intent with the production of destruction in a sick sad little world survived only by the fittest , the devils den . Welcome to the hell that is the human condition , frought with the distraction in every form. A narcissistic wounderland . The collective human experience ,so far beyond sodom and gomorrah.
I can think of no other animal so equally creative and […]
The thought of death is soothing. I don’t want to die but I’m afraid of being alive. I’m afraid I’m never going to get out of this. I’m afraid of everything and I want to be alone for a long, long time away from everyone. Everything feels meaningless. Even loving or helping people sounds meaningless. I can’t find a point. I’m tired of trying.