Hi. So, I’m just posting not because I have anything important to say, I never really do, but just because I wanted to post, and for me, as well as like every other day of the weak and of my life, Monday’s are shit, too. You happy, sane people don’t relate to me on this and couldn’t care less what I have to say, and I don’t know why I’m here sometimes I just, like writing. So today sucked. Spoiler alert, it was another shitty day, none of my days seem to be any better than the rest, usually only worse. But some days I […]
I find myself telling myself I should. Tearing myself down over and over trying to find a way to. And I wish I could sob. I wish I could vomit blood until I pass out. I wish and I don’t do anything other than tell myself that the wishing itself is supposed to be important. I try to find what I once had to live for and find myself settling for attempting to recall a time I didn’t think I was going to kill myself and I can’t even do that without saying that the desire to be dead is what I irrevocably have. What […]
Hello folks.
Short update here. Feeling peaceful. No manifestos to offer today about fish or flowers. No art as I seem to have ended this methodical obsessive streak for the time being. I sat and watched two movies last night. Was just in the moment. The movies were not life changing movies they were just silly things. Pure silly entertainment. A friend told me yesterday that is important. Doing silly things just because. There doesn’t have to be some kind of life changing revelation in every moment I take in. Sometimes it is just sitting […]
from 2009 of a brief stay inside the mental clinic. For 6 days I wrote terribly cringeworthy entries on a flipbook… and drew even more cringeworthy pictures. Gave me a good laugh. Yet one sentance stood out to me:
[…]I am important to People, and they like me for who I am and what I do[…]
What happened in 7 years since then? Today I am convinced of the opposite. Infact have attempted suicide multiple times because of issues of worthlessness etc. I wrote further […] “I learned my lesson, I will never attempt suicide again” […]
Yet I remember another attempt on suicide just a few […]
I was just reading “I Was Here” and they talked about this website. It introduced me to it and honestly: I’m glad.
Safe place to talk? YES PLEASE!
Safe place to talk WITHOUT JUDGEMNT? I wish I found a place like that before now.
Ive read some posts you all have made and I know I belong here, which is sad. It makes me sad that we’re sad. Why is happiness so hard to find? Can’t it be as easy as it used to be? What happened to the world that suicide rates and depression/anxiety rates have increased dramatically? But a slightly more important question I personally should […]
It feels so nice to say these words and actually mean them.
“I’m okay.”
I just came out of the psych ward today. It wasn’t bad in there. I met a few souls whom I spoke to and connected with on a very different level.
I know I’d been saying all along that the one thing I feared most was being admitted there and being seen by my classmates. But when I was there, I actually didn’t give a fuck. I was there to fix myself.
I’ve made a decision. This is a very serious and important decision for me and I hope I stick to it. No […]
I’m an atheist. I think I believe that death is the end of consciousness. But the idea of hell still has this grip on my mind. Maybe because it’s what I feel I deserve. The thought of being trapped in a never-ending state of misery and despair – that somehow seems like what I have coming. That there’s nothing I can do about it.
Which is crazy. As far as I know, all religious concepts of hell have some kind of ‘escape clause’, at least while you’re still alive. If I really believe that’s my future, shouldn’t I be confessing my sins, or living a life […]
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Various Thoughts:
1) I’m coming down with a cold/flu thing, and have a sore throat.
I tried the important time-honored therapy known as “To hell with it, I’m having ice cream.”
And yet my throat is still sore, so this is going to last a few days.
2) I also am sneezing and sniffing, so apparently ToTrees and I will both be going (*sniff sniff*) for awhile. This is ok. I’m in good company.
3) Add all the other muscle aches and unmentionable disturbances that come with cold/flu bug […]
The most important thing in life is confort. Material and also “spiritual” , I mean like being at peace with yourself. That is the most important thing.
I started to think very nihilistic lately . I feel like I am losing my mind. It seems that most human toughts and emotions are chemical reactions in the brain to make you see life in sunshines and rainbows for maintaing your survival plus passing on the genetic code by the means of reproduction.
I was in top shape last year, I and I was being able to fuck any girl I wanted because of my looks and phisique.I think […]
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Last day to get obamacare. I’m uninsured right now and not sure if I should get it. I want to get diagnosed and maybe treated but it costs me 395 a month. I think my family’s financial welfare is more important than my mental welfare. What do you guys think? Thats a lot of money a month. Might cost me less just to pay the doctor cash.
I feel so heart-broken, that even having my depression improve doesn’t feel important to me. I want to be happy with my ex-fiance. It feels so cruel for my depression to maybe finally lift a little, only to lose the most important person to me. I feel like a part of myself is missing.
It just all feels so impossible. Like it can’t be happening. Or that it shouldn’t be happening. I just can’t stand it.
I have a friend coming to visit me. I invited him because I really need a friend, in person, right now. I don’t have any local friends. But I don’t know […]
Why?
Why does no one care?
Why does no one see that I’m hurting?
Why does no one understand that to me, presence is more important than presents?
Why am I still alive if I don’t want to be?
Why does life feel like a stream pulling me down? Why do I feel like it would be a lot easier to give up than to keep fighting?
Why can I not be happy?
I guess it doesn’t matter. Because, if they don’t understand my silence, the won’t understand my words.
So I called my work this morning and told them I was feeling sick, which I was but not that bad, and I told them I wasn’t going to be in this morning but I’d see how I felt around noon and come in. I just needed a little break from them and work is extremely overwhelming for me. Plus I don’t really have any urgent/important work to do today, so I didn’t feel too guilty about missing the morning. But T, who’s basically our whole HR department, said “This sure does happen a lot. You should probably go see a doctor. You […]
It’s 2am and I am sobbing about something stupid but important to me and crying out to a god I don’t believe in to just let me die. I can’t do this anymore
I was thinking about hobbies and stuff recently. My therapist told me they’re pretty important in regards to recovery. So I was wondering, what are y’all’s hobbies? Any weird ones, or any newfound ones?
How do you tell your friends you are suicidal? And more important, should I tell them?
I don’t like to talk and I have difficulty to explain myself. Therefore I was thinking of send them a video about depression. But the video doesn’t talk about suicidal thoughts so I don’t know how to introduce the subject. Any advice?
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I feel so numb. It’s almost like I’m dead inside. Ive always battled depression, I’ve always had suicidal thoughts off and on since I was very young. It’s different now… I know I’m going to do it soon. And I’m not afraid to do it. I’m not waiting for a specific date or time… I’m not writing goodbye letters, or even thinking about how to do it. I just feel it coming, and when it happens, how it happens, is just as simply not important. Nothing is anymore. I don’t even care how it got to be this bad, or why. I’m not curious, I’m […]
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