Hello, my name is Martijn. I’m a 15 year old boy. I’ve had a depression before when I was about 12. It lasted about a year. Ive been in therapy and been taking medication since then. The following 3 years of my life have been great. But half a year ago, I started fealing anxious again. strange, violent toughts towards me and the people around me popped op in my head. I often felt empty, as in a dream but i couldn’t ‘wake up’. It felt like I didn’t use my medication anymore, wich I have to control my anxiety. Since then, I started feeling […]
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in my head
I’ve had enough of the constant grief/worry/ruminating thughts/ guilt. mostly guilt. I just have to go through with it and get it over with. I mean once your dead your dead. I think ya know it really is kind of selfish isnt it. id love to make it look ike an accident but i dont think its possible really. Im just gonna jump off somethin and die. once your dead your dead its over. my poor family will have to go through a lot of shit . I tried to spare them but i really dont know what i can do now. I came home […]
I don’t want to kill myself. I do want to die. Two sentences that I have said in my head and out loud for years. It’s not that I don’t have people who care and/or love me only, that’s the reason I don’t know if I could actually do it myself. I have recently been fully diagnosed with Bipolar 2 with psychotic symptoms.
Still something I have a hard time even thinking without some sort of unchecked rage or hysteria. It’s simple why I want to die though, really. There is no hope. I’m rotting from the brain out. All that will happen is I […]
I have scars on my arms from endless self harm. I am depressed all the time. I have times where I don’t want to live anymore. My thoughts in my head are like burning flesh. I cut to relieve pain, my emotions. I always think cutting is the solution to everything. I take the razor to my wrist, and i cut and cut until there’s nothing left. I’ll cut until I bleed onto this page. And I’ll find words that can qualify my rage. People can be cruel, and i need a way to deal, and up to this point, A razor is all that’s […]
Two nights ago I nearly died from an overdose. Before I took the drug I was suicidal but as I was ODing I freaked out and did everything to survive. The entire next day I was so relieved to be alive and felt that this was the turning point I needed. That night I felt myself change back, and all the depression and insecurities slipped back in. Today I find myself wishing that I did die because I am faced with constant reminders that I am useless and will never live a satisfactory life. I’m sitting here thirsty, starving and unable to go to the […]
I can’t pay my bills because my new boss decided we didn’t need an in-house I.T. person. Forget that I’ve been at this organization for over ten years, have almost 30 years in the business and am only paid about 60% of the market rate for my role. Forget that I have been a one-person I.T., E.H. and S., Telecommunications and Facilities department plus doing all the document control and a million other things. This narcissistic pig was Board Chair before they became an “interim” Executive Director when my former boss quit (or was forced out, nobody’s talking about it) and although I’ve been well […]
I am alright and get through my day half decently, then I don’t know what…usually in the evenings I am stirred by a torrential wave of wanting to die and self harm.
Tonight it is connected to the men I wanted to love that didn’t love me. I want to drift into oblivion when I think about how I let them treat me or what I put up with/fell for. I am stupid; I am trash; I am no one.
For years I have wanted to go. Ever since I was 4/5 years old. I have never felt normal. I just want to stop these thoughts and feelings in my head. My community mental health team have given up. No more medication or help. So I’ve given up. I just want the courage to go through with it. I’m in a downwards spiral and it’s not stopping. I have no friends and my family have distanced themselves so I’ve nothing to lose. I just want gone. Sorry to sound like a kid having a tantrum, I’m actually 26.
How much better would life be without having to deal with mindless, narcissistic and self absorbed assholes? As if I don’t have enough shit sandwiches to eat every day, I have these useless bastards in my life that live for one and only one reason – to force everyone around them to kiss their asses. They never lose any sleep over unpaid bills or potential home foreclosure. They don’t ever get scraped up off the floor in the middle of the night and hauled to the Emergency Room because their lungs stop working. They don’t worry about how to get to work when their car […]
I’m so tired.
I want to go to sleep and not wake up.
I take excessive amounts of sleeping pills just to escape reality. When I don’t have anything to help me sleep, I suffer from severe insomnia.
I can’t stop thinking about what’s happened in the last few years. It constantly rewinds and replays in my head. And since the punishment will be for a lifetime, there will be no relief – ever. How can I possibly make any sense out of this? No relief – ever? Why live? Why go on?
I’m numb.
I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize the reflection. It’s like I’m looking […]
I don’t exactly feel a whole lot anymore. About anything really. I don’t feel anything for myself one bit. I feel quite a bit for others who have pain but I always treat myself like shit. I know I shouldn’t but I’ve been doing it for so long that it’s just kind of natural for me to do it. I don’t even realize I’m doing it most of the time until others tell me to stop being negative or that I shouldn’t say such things. Eventually they make reasons for not being able to get together and then they stop calling all together. Leaving you […]
Sickness, pain and everlasting guilt. Mistakes and terrible decisions made and repeated once more. Memory fails me unsure if  it’s due to anxiety, fear and shutting down or something more sinister.
I’ve pushed everyone away, Â ran away, I miss my friends but after six months of me pushing them away, hiding, ignoring i doubt they want anything to do with me. Who can blame them, im uselss, boring and so withdrawn. And I can’t even admit how terrible I have been.
I have thought about death so much this year. I wanted to end it all so many times. I went to a funeral of a dear […]
First of all… I’m not going to censor this. YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND. I NEED SOMEONE. Listen. Please, just hear me out! I can’t take being ignored anymore! So please, please just see what I have to say! Your the lucky one…all of you who are not me…all of you who you don’t have to ask for your own mother’s affection. Those of you whose own sister isn’t always planning to bring you down. Those of you who’s father actually spends time and gives a fuck about you. Why can’t I be you..? You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not over social media […]
I spend a lot of time thinking about the future. Wondering of ill travel the world, make it in broadway, get married and have kids, or give up  before I get the chance.
I wonder what what it is inside of me that makes my body ache and makes my mind fill up with hate. I don’t know how to stop it. I know that I should probably get help. Tell a parent. But in reality if I tell them all that goes on in my head they’ll send me away because “I’m a danger to myself.” And I wouldn’t be able to handle that. I […]
Don’t know how much longer I can keep deluding myself. So long as I don’t think of my life – or rather lack there of – I just keep on existing, surfing through web, looking at completely inane stuff… Sometimes I read something or see something and though it has nothing to do with me and at times isn’t even all that sad I’ll feel tears welling up in my eyes. Then I’ll find a way to distract myself and pretend all is fine with me again. (Even though every moment I’m awake I know it’s not – I know I’m not alright)
Then my parents […]
I know the difference between what is wrong and what is right. I know what I probably should do and what I choose to still do. I am AFRAID absolutely terrified because there is no real hope this time around. Why can’t anyone hear me or even see that I’m just scared?! I know the mistakes I’m making I know how my current decisions are hurting me. But i’m scared to be happy i’m scared to enjoy life, so scared that I’d rather just die now to avoid it. I don’t want to have a friend that I connect with and have the most awesome […]
feeling really sad and weepy today. why exactly i don’t know. went to see the shrink today. it is time to change meds again. going to try ( if insurance co lets me) viibrid. read some reviews about it. like everything else it is a savior for some and horrible for others. they all mentioned weight gain as a side effect. great. already feeling and looking bovinian as it is. having lots of trouble with my sense of taste. lots of things don’t taste good anymore, or after a few bites there is no taste at all. perhaps it is time to go back to […]
The voice in my head now has a body. A very familiar body.
I dunno how to even begin this.. Im emmett, 16 and live in northern ireland. Im depreased every god damn day, i want to die, i have tried ending it 7times, i dont see my future at all, i dont see myself here in 2-3years time, i feel worthless, i am worthless, im only happy when am alone and crying, ive been bullied before but thats not the main issue why i wanna die, i wanna die to show myself that i can be happy, Â sad isnt it? Saying the only way someone will be happy is when their dead, i havent told my family, […]
my best friend sent me this last night….
Wrists that are o so pearly and white,
they urk me with temptations to end this life.
Blades of silver and wrists of white,
bring me no pain as i return home tonight.
Quick to pass judgement and quick to fight,
one more cut should do just fine……
One line for the hurtfull things you said,
never again will i hear them in my head…….
Two lines for the times you brought me pain,
one more cut and ill end this game…….
Three lines and I start to go blind,
as blood red crimsen starts to rush out of my lines,
I have two last words before I die i […]