I’ve decided that with the two outcomes of this year I have given myself, depending on how the year goes, I need to move out of state at least halfway through the year. I need to get away from my life here and make a new one if I can. If I can’t, I want to put space between myself and the people in my life. I need to create a barrier to where they will blame themselves less. I will put myself in an area where I only have to occasionally check in with them. I will make a new life. I will try […]
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in my head
It’s ironic for me to post here. I do not consider myself a suicidal person. Yet i have made the decision to end my life. So how could a person want to commit sucide and yet not be sucidial? Because deep down i wish i could live my hopes and dreams to get out of bed each morning see the world, delve into the debts of the mystery of the cosmos and kiss the ones i love. A person who is depressed usually loses the desire for all this. But sadly i have not, i want it more than ever. Why sadly? Because the only […]
My head is torturing me. I keep having this very vivid image in my head. This dream that haunts me even when I’m awake. It gives me one hell of a motherfucking headache also.
I walk into the house. It doesn’t matter how the dream begins, I always end up in the house. My house. I’m immediately greeted by the smell of blood. I think it has a smell. Especially blood associated with death. Something you never forget.
The smell of that blood is imprinted in my mind. The blood I was covered in when he was killed. I think I got some in my mouth. But, […]
I don’t really know how to start this post or how to explain but since I don’t feel comfortable enough trying to talk to anyone I might as well put my thoughts out into the open. The only way to explain it is that I’m simply tired of being alive. I wouldn’t say I was suicidal as I very highly doubt I would ever find it in me to take my own life, however I don’t fear death and if it happened then that’s that. I wake up every day feeling like I’m simply trying to kill off time, like I’m not making any use […]
Really? Like really?
How the hell do I do this every day? I’m tired. I want to stop smiling. Nothing in me feels like smiling. Yet, when someone talks to me, I give them the warmest smile that makes it seem as though I’m okay.
How do I do this? I feel like I’ve been programmed to smile or something. Have I become that good at faking being okay and happy that I don’t even know how to shut it off anymore? I’m tired of faking now.
I just cried my eyes out while taking a bath. Then I get out, and I’m smiling like nothing happened. […]
For all things wonderful, for family, for gift giving and gift receiving. For eating too much and drinking too much. For laughing with others and enjoying ourselves.
Yet why during this time do I year after year research ways or attempt to kill myself. I understand it’s a tough time of year. However I can’t say anything specific happened this time of year. I just can’t keep up with the joyfulness I feel the pressure to be a part of. The rest of the year I can hide away and blend in if I feel like crap, but people seem to notice a lot more this […]
For the longest time guys have been drawn to me, mostly ones older than me (5+ years older). I’m not meaning to make this sound like I’m stuck up or the most wanted girl, because I’m nowhere close to any of those things. But ever since my rape and molestation (starting when I was 3-4)I have noticed this almost target-like thing about me or that other guys see that draw them to me. I’ve had multiple older guys try touching me when I haven’t even led them on, so, is it bad luck? is this in my head? Or is there something that may be […]
S.P.I.R.I.T.
Spirit, let’s hear it
S.P.I.R.I.T.
Spirit, let’s hear it
Let’s go!
I’ve had enough
There’s a voice in my head
Says I’m better off dead
But if I sing along
A little fucking louder
To a happy song
I’ll be alright
You want to give up
Gave it all that you’ve got
And it still doesn’t cut
But if you sing along
A little fucking louder
To a happy song
You’ll be just fine cause’
Every now and again we get that feeling
And the great big void inside us opens up
And I really wish that you could help
But my head is like a carousel
And I’m […]
Is any one awake ? Can’t sleep?
I can’t find a stable feelings, I’m all over the place, I don’t have a desire to do anything I love any more,everything so bleak, I try to express myself maybe to help ease some aniexty,or escape from me… so I’m here constantly trying to think of what to say, to myself ..to you. When I try to reply to your post I’ll sit and try to relate in words, be supportive something to make a connect, but ill either draw a blank or start writing a paragraph and end up deleting anyway…I just can’t accept myself, neither can […]
Hello all.
Don’t know how to start really. I’m 24 y.o. and i’m dealing with suicide thoughts over a 10 years now. I’m kinda ”controlling” it with drugs and weed, but once i stop using everything i become suicidal and auto destructive. I don’t know how to maintain my good mood when i’m clear, i can’t live like that anymore. I didn’t use anything for 3 days now. I just drink water, i don’t eat or sleep. I work 10 hours a day just to keep my brain occupied.
And it doesn’t matter if i’m alone, with my friend or when i was with my […]
I never understood how meaningful those words actually are. I never understood how much they meant to me until someone showed me they cared. In my mind they were just something that was said to someone to expand on their relationship with someone.
I learned it’s hard for me to love others. My two main friends, when they’re sad will text in a group text, and say I love you. The one who didn’t say it will always respond back the same, but I never answer. They’ve never brought up anything about me answering it. So I don’t know if they think something’s wrong with […]
My moods have been awful lately, as have the Angels. For months my moods have been out of control. Some days I’ll wake up somewhat okay, and by the afternoon I cannot stand to be around anyone – and the degree of this type of mood fluctuates for roughly 4-5 days.
Then I can have an okay mood last for a period of time, also – yet, this is happening less often now. However, it’s my anger that’s the worst at the moment. My outbursts are becoming more frequent, and the reasons are becoming less obvious. Sometimes they happen due to the slightest change in my […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Protected: Sometimes I feel dangerous, and obligated to keep people safe by ending myself.
written by whiskered-fish
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
All the memories just replay in my head over and over. The good ones make me think how can this possibly be happening when things were so good? And the bad ones make me wonder what I did wrong and think of a million other ways I could have done things differently. Just over and over and over.
The only time I get away is if my sleeping pills work or I’m asleep. I feel like if I had the access and knowledge I would become an addict to something because I can’t imagine living a life being haunted by memories. How am I supposed to […]
For fucks sake! Can somebody please shut that fucking dog up?!
Its the middle of the night, 02:15 am to be more exactly and I cant sleep because this fucking dog wont shut up.
I swear, if it doesn’t shut up, my rage will reach boiling point and I wont be responsible for my own actions.
It keeps barking and howling, and it wont let me sleep. The images in my head wont go away. Im sick of it. I fucking hate it.
Now Im crying…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_a8qBSxHUJY
I can never stop thinking. My thoughts just keep going and going and its wearing me down. I just seem to have these thoughts daily, its been the normal for a long time. For as long as I can remember, one that that goes through my head is my father. He passed away when I was only a year old and not a day goes by when I don’t think about him. Another thought, more of a memory, is the one that wears me down the most. Her. The one I have written about so many times. The one I have written about where […]
I’m sharing my story here. I’m a 25 year old boy suffering from various psychological disorders like anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), agoraphobia and lot others.
I’m dealing with all these since last 5 years. But from since last one year, the condition has become much worse.
The frequency of anxiety/panic attacks has been increased a lot.
I’m constantly getting intrusive thoughts in my head which are causing anxiety. Sometimes, my head is flooded with so many anxious thoughts that I think I’m going to die.
These thoughts cause much severe headache which drives me crazy..
Anxiety also has affected my physical body – the left […]
I’m finally happy with my life…
Leaving a perfectly good and healthy relationship because my family didn’t like him. I listen to them. I listen to all the lies they put in my head. It wasn’t him who made me depressed and started to cut. It was the build up of all the pressure and stress my own family put on me. Him and I were together for 2 years, yes we argued but what we had was one of a kind. I could never find anything like it. When I left I tried to find love in other men but they always hurt me […]