Hi. Call me Destiny.
I know horrible things. I know devastation, pain, loss, earthquakes. I know secrets. Secrets of people that I shouldn’t even know exist. I’m sorry.
A little about me:
My name is not really Destiny. I’d prefer to stay incognito on here. I’m not ashamed of my depression. I’ve had a severe depression for four years. “THIS is the worst of it,” I’d always say, and then it would just decline. Now that it’s been almost (not quite) a year, I can honestly say that last summer was undoubtedly, 100% as bad as it had ever gotten.
I’ll give you the quick […]
let me first say hello to those who know me and know that I am well..
I know that I haven’t posted here in a while but I feel it is in need for me to post.. I am here because well I have not found that reason yet and well I do not plan on it. My story is complex and no one seems to understand that it will never get better for me. I know that it had been a long road for me and I have been fighting for so long to keep on going and well I think that my fight is […]
So this week I went jogging with that girl again and she talked about her studies and that she’s taking a programming course as well. I said if she needed any help she could tell me even though I didn’t think she’d actually take my offer. Today she asked if we could meet up for an hour so I could explain some stuff to her, and in return she said she’d invite me to have lunch with her at some restaurant downtown. We’re gonna meet tomorrow to talk about the programming stuff, and I’m not sure whether she’ll want to go have lunch right after […]
In solitude, steadily moving towards what is not mine: a sense of tranquility. An artificial sense of gratitude steeps through the thought of tranquility, tranquility becomes a symbol of your demise. The feeling of gratitude to what is not wanted: it’s betrayal, that betrayal is present in the tranquility: the tranquility of the – ordinary! The ordinary is a distinction of your-self from the rest, they’re ordinary, you’re authentic. The meaningless feeling of tranquility they enjoy, cannot be a result of emptiness filled with the necessary elements that gratitude feeds on to manifest. Why you want that tranquility, you just can’t figure. In the end, that […]
My life has never been a happy one. At least, not for me. I have no idea why I had to be such a miserable person. Why I had to be perpetually afraid, miserable, feel completely alone, and live in utter anguish. I don’t feel I did anything to deserve it. In fact, for the first time in my life, I feel like I am owed something, that I deserve more, that I am better than what’s happened to me. But, it doesn’t make a difference how I feel, or what I do to demand the world give me a fair shake, because in the […]
Philosophy has always been such a boring subject to me, boring in the sense that it’s endlessly redundant. Certain components of philosophy are interesting to discuss, but in the end there are no answers or even compromises people can make as it’s entirely subjective and based on little to no empirical evidence. In the end it’s a bunch of people asking “why?” until there isn’t even anything to discuss, the only thing you can do is go in an endless circle of pointless redundancy. Does free will exist? Does it matter? Regardless of any conclusion as to whether we have free will or not our actions will not […]
today was a very odd day for me, one of those “subdued excitements” that I don’t recognize and stop before it comes to bite me in the ass. Excitement just leads to catastrophic levels of disappointment for me. I get my hopes up because my mind comes up with these amazing–and yet, impossible–scenarios about what will happen. And they never happen, even the worst of the best! It’s always just flat-out bad shit that happens. Today was primed to go spectacularly in my mind, even though if it had occurred the way it was planned it still probably would have been shitty. But no! It […]
oh Yay! There’s another baby on its way today.
As she swims around in her mothers womb, if only
she knew that it was too soon. For her mommy was
taking too much med. Now everyone had to stare blank ahead.
As you lie there in your sweet baby bed going through overdose
they waited for the doctor to diagnose when we could take you home. Two
weeks pass and you’re no longer left alone.
As you’re carried into the doors of life,
“Welcome to hell” the sign on the door should have said.
Reaching your destination will all be in your head. “Last call
for the train heading nowhere fast.” The memories you create […]
The time is drawing near….
I fear. It’s coming on a lot faster than I expected it to. It’s a little odd how the more and more I feel the need to exit this life, the less and less detailed and involved it needs to be. I used to sit and think about how much better things would be for me and for everyone else if I wasn’t here. It was like I would daydream about how wonderful I would “feel” and how free everyone else would be. I would picture my services when I was laid to rest and I would think of all […]
I really am sorry. There’s no reason to complain. I have a supportive family. I’m not starving. I’m just a selfish self-absorbed pathetic shrimp. And yet, I hate falling asleep because I know I’ll wake up to morning light, and another 15 hours of pain and guilt.
I dream of a spontaneous accident. I wouldn’t have to raid the medicine cabinet for a “suicide attempt”, only to detonate my liver.
I don’t even cry anymore. I don’t feel anything, really. I’m just a blob, a shell. A disgusting grey mouse. People suffer in the world, yet my scope of life revolves around my trivial problems.
Please, be honest […]
Here, here, I am the child, only here
How can, arcane, in a way, life beautiful
This is like the last song, so sad, in the end
The end, that ended so long ago
A pain of the eternal, what I want
Why me, the way, there is no way
Breathe
Dear Reader,
Thank you for taking a moment to read my last thoughts. It is appreciated even in death.
What did I do? I took a huge amount of pills.
Why did I do it? I couldnt stand the physical and emotional pain anymore. The stress of day to day life was too much for this fragile soul.
That being said, I will be in a better place. I know my family will miss me, but they will get over it in time. I’ve tried the “just wait, things will get better” game. It seems only those cut out for life get over these things. I’m just not meant […]
It’s funny. What it all comes down to in the end. I thought id want to pack down my room for my parents. I thought I’d want to write an individual letter for every person I cared about. I thought I’d assign my belongings in writing, making each and every one a symbolic gift for those whom I adored. I’d thought I’d wear my favourite clothes and think about all my favourite things as I farewelled this life. But it turns out […]
….oh yeah..
I’m suddenly feeling a manic episode coming on. I’m at a crossroads with this feeling.. I don’t know whether to try and use it to feel better or keep low with the help of my sad music and bad habits. I just don’t want to crash again..it’s getting so old I just want to keep myself down and depressed as long as possible. But time goes by and I get nothing done in my life. I cant eat to the point of self harm. The problem with these manic feelings is that they always drop suddenly without warning, that or I become delusional […]
Just sad. Thats all I am.
This is terminal, isn’t it? As in my time is pretty limited now. If suicide doesn’t get me in the end then anorexia sure will. I guess i’m pleased only im growing impatient. I know of very peaceful ways i can die. And yet i still sit here crying from the pain. I’m on the verge of making an official plan when i’ve only ever gone by spontaneous crisis moments before.
I’ve been in an endless suicidal episode recently. This just has got to stop. Am just trying to make it through this night without resorting to an overdose. Please make […]
When you dream of you cutting your arms and their never going to stop bleeding and then you step into that bath filled with cold water wearing that white dress and dreaming that you will never belong in this world but in the end why is there so many people that care? Why is it that people feel the need to be there for you when you know your not worth it? Why is it that you feel like you can never let your self live a bit? Why is it that you want to let someone know your deepest secrets but your scared they […]
You know that saying, in the end no one dies a virgin because life fucks us all? Well, why don’t we think of it this way, in the end, your not really that important to human life like thomas edison or albert einstein, we are just parasites clinging to the crest of the earth trying to live, and yet, we still try to be someone we’re not, we try to be one of those popular people even though we like nothing the other popular people like, we try to make our mark on the world even though we don’t even know how. So, think of […]
No more tears and no more trying. Trying – what does that mean? – Trying to find a place to fit in, trying to find some peace – just a comfortable place in this life – not looking for perfection or paradise – just a comfortable place … it just doesn’t exist anymore! So why keep trying enough of the pain, enough of the hardship, enough of the harassment, threats and harm. Enough of trying.
I look back at my life and consider how did it come to this. I used to be okay, how did it change – bit by bit over 20 years – but, not now too much agony […]
I gave my heart to a man. Completely. Irreparably. For 10 years. He said he loved me. He said I was his best friend and soul mate. He promised to marry me. He promised a life together.
I sacrificed a lot to be with him. My best friend hated him so I distanced myself from her. I waited a long time for him to keep his promises.
I’m sick now, since June. Have missed so much work. Am in a lot of pain. I need stomach surgery. All my doctors suck. They’re in no hurry to fix me. They want tests and more tests. […]