I’ve been having these dreams for awhile now. I’ll be in a certain time period of my life. Last night I had a dream that I was in the year 2004 again. Everything was so vivid. I was able to see my 8-year-old self. How full of life she was, how innocent she was, how much she admired her father, and loved her grandmother, how annoyed she would be by her sister, even then. My dream became lucid halfway through, and I ran into this bathroom. I tried looking at myself in the mirror but I couldn’t see my reflection, I tried to wash my […]
in the
I was 21 when I first had suicidal thoughts. I was struggling at college, and had frequent migraines. The first time was really upsetting -how could I imagine doing that to myself? I kept going, and even managed to finish college. I got a job, and constantly worried that people would see me as not good enough, and wouldn’t want me around. It was hard to sleep. I would agonise over mistakes I could make. I changed job, and things got worse. I had a manager who was passive aggressive and a supervisor who was cruel, insulting us at every opportunity. I attempted suicide twice […]
when i first came here on this site i had a feeling, that most of persons here consider suicide as something right to do, the only thing to do. The only question was, how to do it. I was terrified. My brother commited suicide and thats why i came here in the first place. I wanted to know, how his minde worked, why he did it, by reading posts of other suicidal people. I thought it would help me with handling his death, but it made it worse,so it took a lot of courage to click on this page again today. But now I am […]
Everyone falls asleep at night around me and I’m left alone in the dark with my thoughts and the sound of the traffic outside. Sometimes I wonder what the lives of the people in the cars outside are like. Not sleeping gives you so much time to think.
It’s 4.25am and I’ve just came home from an hour long walk, the truth is I was looking to commit suicide tonight and my chosen method was to jump off a high ledge and land in the sea, dying of either shock, head injuiry, drowning or hypothermia or a combination of them all. I live in a seaside town so I thought this would be a very easy thing to accomplish but the highest point in the town where it would be possible to die is fenced off with barb wire. I spent a while looking for a lot of other spots but no where […]
So I’ve watched the movie 7 Pounds a few times. If you haven’t seen it, you should. If you like Will Smith that is. I’ve always wanted to make an impact on humanity. Or at least leave something of a mark, even if it’s not something people will remember a 100 years from now. If I could simply give someone else life through my death, I could end on that note. So I’ve researched the Box Jellyfish. It’s the deadliest Jellyfish, if not the deadliest creature in the sea. It’s venom is considered among the most deadly. So as the movie goes, Will Smith commits […]
“Here comes goodbye, here comes the last time, here comes the start of every sleepless night, the first of every tear I’m gonna cry…”
Two months ago you were here.. and two months ago you died. Out of nowhere, and my heart has never felt so much pain. I keep trying to understand and I just don’t.. & I hate that I don’t.. This pain is unbearable. You were my best friend, my very best friend who knew every little thing about me and now you’re gone. We shared a connection no one understood and we loved each other so much. I can’t believe it would’ve […]
I’ve come to hate the daylight. As much as I hate loneliness, being alone in the dark late at night feels so much more secure. I guess that is the time when people can’t mess with me as much – they’re all off in their dreams and resting. I don’t sleep much anymore anyway; except sometimes during the day when it serves the purpose of keeping the rest of the world away from me.
It’s a bad thing to do I know. Isolation feeds depression and anxiety, but I know myself well enough to know that I won’t always choose what’s right just because I know […]
Today was my first day of school. I was really worried about how everything would turn out. It’s not the worst school in the world, but there are some really messy situations you can find yourself in if you aren’t careful. I’m usually pretty safe, but there are kids who are in local gangs, and it doesn’t take much to piss them off. One kid was beaten up for wearing a wristband that was a rival gang color, and he wasn’t even in a gang! I’m happy there’s a uniform code this year.
Anyhow, things were better than I thought they would be for the most […]
I don’t know what I am supposed to do. That’s what I’ve boiled down all my twisted, suppressing, diminishing thoughts into. I’m not content with what I have, or what I’m working towards in regards to my life and career. I’ll be able to live happily, comfortably, and better than some. Not that I’m saying I’ll be rich but I wont be living on the streets either. Somehow that’s not enough for me, I know it’s not just jealously or envy pushing me down since I’ve been in this state before, or should I say most of the time.
I go through what I call ‘my […]
Hello, I goggled I want to cut myself tonight to try and stop myself from slicing up my thigh. My boyfriends laying in the bed next to me while I’m crying my eyes out asking “what can I do”, nothing and then I tried to talk to him an he said you always get like this last night I cried after I had sex with him but I say this with all my heart someone that has never known depression will never know, he doesn’t know. My mother died of cancer when I was nine my father remarried a women a year later with 3 […]
my mind is racing with all kinds of negative thoughts. therapy is getting hard and heavy. been feeling physically sick with the stress. i am in a very fragile state. been stirring up the shit in therapy and something big is lurking just below the surface. i don’t know what it is but i can cry at the drop of the hat. i am supposed to be trying hypnosis but at the moment it terrifies me. i am scared . something momentous is going to happen and no one outside of therapy knows it. i am withdrawing from family/friends because i just don’t want to […]
so update, i know its been a long time since my last one, but here it is :
my cuz kicked me out, after i told her that she is a **** faced lying *****, i went into a treatment facility twice in the span of three weeks, and lost my job because of it, along with a seperate issue, i am living with a friend now, but i cant find a job within walkin distance to help with the bills. and i relapsed tonight severly, i have been toying with the plan to drink a cup of lavender cleaner, i am deathly allergic to […]
So it’s been awhile since I’ve been on here. I’ve started cutting again, continued to purge and restrict, and also binge. I’ve been depressed for two years… I might not commit suicide just this second, but soon I will end my life. I’m not sure when I will finally break and not be able to handle it anymore. Nobody notices that I’m not okay.
Nobody notices the sadness in my eyes.
Nobody hears the voices in my head
Nobody notices the vomit in the toilet.
Nobody notices the cuts on my skin.
Nobody notices the stash of laxatives.
Right now, as of this moment and the myriad of moments preceding this one, I am terrified.
Why? I don’t know.
I suffer from a fear that I cannot name or pinpoint.
It’s not a fear of something real. It’s not a rational fear, proportionate to the degree of danger I’m facing.
It’s an all-consuming entity, enraptured with me and enveloping me in its inescapable grasp.
I work a job, something that I’ve been able to manage (to some extent) for about a year and a half now.
I’m about to start a new work schedule, and I’m working a bit more than I’m used to.
Even though I know I can […]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97S66xee0U8
August 31st.
I’m sitting here on my chair, thinking about ME and MY pathetic life as usual. Given the fact that today is my birthday just makes me feel ”ultra sad”. Birthday usually symbolize the day of you being bought upon this world so you can ”celebrite” it. But in my definition of birthday is totally different, the thought of birthday makes me sad, what have i got to celebrite for? Being forced to live in this world? All I did was making my birth mother suffered, being pushed out of her womb as she scream in absolute pain is something to be happy for? Enough […]
I’m so tired of this. Every night the urge gets worse. Worst part is, I don’t think I’ll ever work up the nerve to kill myself. I can’t buy a gun, and there’s no way to hang myself (nothing sturdy enough to withstand the jolt of a body dropping). I don’t have strong enough rope, anyway. There’s a knife in here with me, and in the moments when I slither out of bed to look out at the sky–star light star bright please don’t make me live another night–I hold it, study it, contemplate it. It’s blunt, and forcing it past layers of skin and […]
No one knows, or cares to understand…. But this is me…. A girl lost in her own thoughts. The only person that ever loved me died a couple of years ago, he was like a father to me. Now, no to sound cliche but I have nobody. No friends, no family…. None who care enough to ask, ” hey girl, are you ok”
A simple hug or a few words of encouragement will go along way but that never happens…. I often think of killing my self. I wonder what what life would be without me. Some days i find it so hard to get out […]
Trust.
That word alone makes me confused. It’s something you give to someone and expect them to respect it. I gave that to a couple people and a couple people abused that. Someone close to me, he abused it. What he did changed my view on him forever. He didn’t do much but it was enough to cause my body to tense up and I was paralyzed with confusion and fear.
Why did he touch me that way? Did he think I was my mother? Being intoxicated changes what you see. I don’t know really, I was practically a hold still. It scares me thinking that he […]
For those of you who were moved by the plight of orphaner-coolscar… don’t be.
The 13 Year Old Girls Who Cried “suicide”
On this thread about 13 year old girls who cry wolf about suicide, a couple of links were posted by Koji about a former member of this site – a 15 year old girl who supposedly killed herself at the beginning of this year – eloquently describing why we should never judge what’s going on in the minds of some of the teenage attention whores who post on this website trying to solicit sympathy.
The links show the moving final post of orphaner-coolscar as she described her last night and suicide method in detail, followed by a heartfelt […]