First, the blah blah.  My mother wanted nothing to do with children, I was the only one she had that survived.  The rest were aborted, but by the time she was pregnant with me in the late 1960s, with her being 34, she disappeared for days looking for someone to terminate the pregnancy.  Finding no-one who would, and being a doctor herself, she tried various abortifacients (substances and treatments to induce abortion) on her own.  Today, you can even easily find such things, though not labeled as such, at health food stores.  That didn’t work, though I was sufficiently damaged at birth that I was […]
Like the title says, this is just a rant about my trials and tribulations. I don’t really know if posting my story will be of any use to anyone but I just couldn’t leave this world without anyone knowing about it. I guess someone should know, even if they don’t really know me. But in all honesty I don’t know if anybody really knows the real me. I wear a mask and pretend to be “normal”. So nobody really knows. They’ll probably never find out either because this page doesn’t link to me in any way. But I figured somebody should know my story and […]
I wanna be strong enough.
to fight.
I wanna be tough enough.
to survive.
but even fighters gotta give.
and even weaklings gotta live.
i want to breathe, but it’s too hard.
I want to feel, but i got no heart.
I sold it,
a long long time ago,
sold it to the devil,
along with my soul.
And God won’t help.
He hasn’t for a while.
but i still pray,
But I guess it’s not His style.
He doesn’t care for me,
he does’nt care at all,
I guess I’ve asked too much of Him,
Cause he won’t answer when I call.
So I’ll […]
I’ve felt this way for a long, long time. Kind of been going thru the motions, doing what others (or I thought others) expected.  Going to school, getting a job, married, having kids, etc. Just didn’t seem to care.  Got divorced a couple of years ago, haven’t talked or seen the ex or kids since then. Just didn’t care. When I try to rationalize it, it seems like it should bother me. But it doesn’t. Actually, I haven’t seen or talked to my entire family. I just don’t have the connections that you would expect between people that are family.  Never did, I was always […]
* Note: This was a Message sent originally to the Church of Euthanasia. What I need ÃÂs, the Quick & the Death.
That’s why I am going to sent Mails to Multiple receivers.
Hello,
For long, long time I suffer { but I think that you have already heard this out of email-Messages more than once. }
I have started several Suicide-Roads [ means thinking and/or/nor preparing & planning for several suicide Methods on which I have resigned due to reasons. ], and have committed one suicide attempt by jumping in front of a Van approximately, roughly, 5 years ago which failed, most importantly because I was being watched and so […]
“My body’s failing,ÂÂ
I think I’ve hit the floor,
I cannot feel anything anymore.
My body’s failing,
I think I’ve hit the floor,
I can’t remember anything anymore.
And I’m gonna miss your face for a long long time.
And I can’t escape this place, it’s in my mind.”
I have nothing to look forward to.
I have it all planned out.
It would work this time.
I have no friends.
It was confirmed yesterday.
Do you remember several weeks ago when I said that I hadn’t killed myself because I was afraid of disappointing two people?
My art teacher and my track coach.
But I have ruined that now.
And I have disappointed both of them.
Neither of them have any particular interest in me anyways.
I have no idea what to do with my life.
No one to help me.
No one who genuinely cares.
No one who has said that they love me in a long, long time.
It would be so easy.
Easy and […]
I have been struggling with this for a long, long time. Suicide, the word that is there all the time, something I can’t get out of my mind. I know exactly who I am, and what I am going to be if I don’t end this. I’m just an ignorant, ugly, fat, useless waste of air, and that’s exactly what I am going to be for the rest of my life if I dont stop it right now.
I’ve tried everything: I’ve tried to be positive, I’ve tried religion, I’ve tried to have friends, to talk with my family. Nothing works, it seems like I’m some […]
I’ve been checking this site out for a long, long time. I’ve led a miserable life, anytime I’ve gotten close to ending things I’ve always found a way out. Now, I’ve gotten to the point that I’m tired of trying to figure things out, I’m tired of the unexpected, and I’m tired of the self-destruction. I’ve always been able to hide any problems I’ve faced, issues I’ve dealt with, people around me seem to think I live a “perfect” life. If they only knew the truth, would they still be there?
I have it all planned out. I have letters written to those that mean the […]
My anxiety won’t go away… the pain on my chest, the breathless feeling, so out of my mind. My friends keep writing msg on FB, I cannot open them, they txt me and I can’t txt them back. Nothing to say, I love them, I miss them, and I know they love me back… But I don’t know how to tell them that I won’t be allowed back in Canada for a long long time, I don’t know how to tell them that I spend all my day at home reading posts on THE SUICIDE PROJECT website, I don’t know how to tell them that […]
cant sleep, cant eat, when i sleep i have bad dreams about the mother of my daughter who im sure by this point is seing someone else…Or dream about myself in horrible situations,…Im so down I cant even be around the part of my family that i love without depressing them away…i wake up just needing to cry but can only dwell, and roll around in cold and hot sweats, thinking about dying or just hiding somewhere for a long long time until i can get my mind right again, my skin crawls with nerves.. i get so depressed around people that i keep getting looked at […]
I don’t know anymore what I want to do, what I want do be, how to be good. I’m 20, close to 21 and I am just so full of problems. Social inadept, habitual liar (to others and myself), a huge range of food allergies, a bad a student that failing all his classes, and top it all of a plain retarded asshat with problems with his sexuality. I really fucking hate myself these days, for one I’m failing all my classes and I can’t myself to anything about it, when I sit down to do the work my mind goes blank and I can’t […]
Hello Jesus
It’s been a long, long time
I hope that you still know me,
I’ve been hiding quite a while
I know that you know all things
Still, I think I should explain,
The reason I’ve been hiding
is because of all the shame.
I know that I don’t look so great
For meeting up with you
But I hope you understand
I’ve been alone since I was five.
You probably see the dirt marks
And smudges on my face
But it seems no matter how I try
Some things can’t be erased.
They say that eyes are windows
That peer into the soul.
I’m afraid to that if you look there,
You’ll find it dark and cold.
I’m not sure why it is, […]