There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I lost my house today
I lost a friend
I had a smoke
and now I have a empty heart ,mind ,body &soul
I fear the feeling of nothingness and I’m now lying here with the nothingness that I’m afraid to stay awake but yet more terrified to sleep as I’m not wanting to wake . I fear the dissapointment ,the heartache, the miss leading throughts . I fear myself and well being.
I fear being me …
have you ever had that experience where you feel like after loving someone for a long time you all of a sudden feel like you’ve been lying to yourself and doubt your feelings and you feel like talking about it to them but then you’re scared of losing something so great?
Do I deserve this terror-ible life?
Not just terrible, terror-ible.
I feel like I deserve more than what I am today.
Here are a few key factors to me, my personality, my life.
1. I took many online tests, all of them says I am a good person.
2. I almost never lie, and I’m also not lying when I say this.
3. I only cheated in school tests 2 times. And I regret.
4. I am 9.
5. I think I am gifted: I can do the rotate leg clockwise and write 6 with index finger in the air thing and not change direction, I’m one of the few people who can […]
My ” friend ” a girl I have knowen my entier life is depressed and suicidal. She recently told me she always angry and anxious, she can’t sleep or eat.
She is a normal person but when she told me while she was crossing the street she wished a car turning would hit her so she can die. I wanted to blurt out welcome to the club, but instead I said “thats to Serious calm down all you did was go get coffe.”
Those words felt like Poissonin my mouth I’ve been in her shoes, I am in her shoes.
But I know she is just lost […]
“The problem lying behind the lack of human fulfilment was a shortage not just of time but of imagination. They found a day that worked for them and then stuck to it, and repeated it, at least between Monday and Friday. Even if it didn’t work for them – as was usually the case – they’d stuck to it anyway. Then they’d alter things a bit and do something a little bit more fun on Saturday and Sunday.
One initial proposal I wanted to put to them was to swap things over. For instance, have five fun days and two not fun days. That way […]
She’s lying on the bed, her hair fans out from her head. She looks beautiful when seems to not be trying to impress anybody, and is existing and living for her own sake. Those bright blue eyes that I could get lost in for hours are staring intently at her eyelids. They drink in the darkness that surrounds them while light streaks across her vision like miniature shooting stars. A fireworks show for her, and her alone. The hair I touched upon earlier is a dirty blonde color, and when you see it you want nothing more than to see her casually playing with it, […]
Still dealing with anxiety, schizophrenia, depression..I met someone. Who promised fight until I get better. Who promised to stay with me even on my worst days. It’s been 5 months and surprisingly he still with me.. but I’m scared of losing him. He’ll get tired of me, my breakdowns are because of him. Because I just think of the day he’ll leave me, I feel so stupid but I just can’t help it.. how am I supposed to deal with this without hurting him? It’s been hard for me. I think about him day and night, but, I also think about killing myself day and night. […]
So, I’m meeting my new counselor today after the old one left. Heh, the current record is 2 out of 3 psychs left now. I wonder if this one will have any luck at getting me to stop lying.
I’m falling back into all of my old habits. Starving myself, self-harming, isolating myself, and lying about my state of mind. Ha. I want to sink into the floor and die.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Do you hate when people lie to comfort you? I do…that is what happened yesterday and today. So, I am talking to my counselor and I tell her something that happened at home. I say you cannot tell, please. But nope… “I am sorry, I am mandated to tell” was her response. Then she tells me “nothing will come of it.” Then today I get told “something will most definitely come of it.” I don’t know who to believe; my counselor or the other person. I was also told “well it was nice knowing you. They’re gonna talk you out of your house.” Which where […]
What the fuck…why do i even try. Like deadass i am tired of silent tears finding there way down my face. Omg why or rather what am i doing wrong. I say i don’t need you but i am lying. I do need you. Please help me. Please….
I got arthritis at 20. Now I’m soon 28 and I recently had to quit my job because of my disease.
I’m an introvert and also suffer from social anxiety. I have been depressed for as long as I can remember.
Now I’m in danger of losing my apartment because no one wants me for work. I never speak to people, so I have no friends, just some acquaintances.
I used to have at least a spiritual point of view at the shit in my life. I’ve experienced some trancendental stuff, but now I don’t see any point whatsoever.
I just want to die. Society is made for extroverted, […]
Alright well I can say I’m ok but I’d be lying. Then again it might be better to lie and smile and act as if I am ok and nothing is wrong… this is what I tell myself when ever anyone asks are you ok…or how are you… I guess its time I be honest. Well its been happening since age 6. My mom ain’t in the room, or my at school teaching, at the store whichever. So me and my dad and brother are home. We seem to get in arguements alot my brother overreacts easily as well as my dad next thing i […]
This world is not meant for me as much as i try to fit in it. i have a good job, my parents both love me in their own way, im well liked even though i have no true friends, im imaginative, funny and very smart and yet somethings wrong as i dont fit in this world i have recently cancelled all of my social accounts when i noticed that no matter how hard i tried to connect with people ( i have paid for my so called best friend to come to the cinema with me. ) that i barely get any replies and […]
I can’t sleep…but I’m so tired. I’ve been lying in bed for a long-time just thinking. I want to just go for a walk right now. It’s after midnight and there’s a curfew in my town but I have this urge to just walk around town. I want to pass the place I plan to die at…just pass it. If I get caught by the cops that would not be good though because I have no good excuse.
I’m tired of pretending to be ok. I’m tired of not feeling well. I’m tired of lying. I’m tired of feeling crazy. I’m tired of disappointing people. I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of being anxious. I’m tired of being embarrassed. I don’t know what to do. I’m miserable.
its a descent into madness, the told me so
oh will you please not go
the journey down was a quick little trip
you fall when you slip
i tried to get out but i was held down
we told you to stick around
the padded cell was almost complete
there words were laced with deceit
we only want to help you they cooed
did they know that lying was rude?
i felt so violated when the smiled
there teeth were all filed
this will be quick the assured me
it would be better if they just killed me
that’s not the right attitude to have
oh darling, according to you i’m mad
As if I’ll open up to any of you anymore, you lying bastards who all said I was fine as me, better even, then turned your backs the moment I needed someone? I’d rather post anonymously on a site of suicidal people than trust any of you.
I need to provide for my girls, my cats, the only two living creatures to love me unconditionally. When that’s settled, it’s over. I will have peace. And you can celebrate my death all you want.
It’s time. I’m done.
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