I feel like I’m just full of hot air, everytime I get to the bottom of the bottom I can’t seem to end it. I tell myself alright you ***** you tried once and failed but you know what they say try and try again. I believe that maybe there is something keeping me here but lately its getting harder to believe myself.
Tag:
maybe
There is black hole that lives inside me.
It slowly takes away everything. It slowly got bigger and bigger and I feel emptier and emptier. I can feel it crushing my bones, pushing and squeezing my organs.
I don’t remember how I got infected or if it was always there. But now I am filled with emptiness. I know what happiness is, I understand it and I know I will never feel it. There is nothing in this world that I want or that could stop my black hole from devouring me.
I only remember a routine I am suppose to follow to fit in […]
i know we have a business empire. and i know that you’re looking to your kids as the future leaders of the business, but i want you to know, before i leave, that there is something much much more important than our business.
although i am very thankful that you have built it up to be what it is, maybe it’s time to look at your kids and really see how they are feeling. personally, i feel nothing but disappointment and neglect. disappointment because i know that i have not yet reached the dreams and expectations you have of me. neglected because rather than really look […]
So why does it feel like I am? Outwardly I try so damn hard every single day to make them smile, to make you smile. My only thoughts are of yours, my sweet Maria. When I turn inward, numbness is all. None of this is your fault.
I have been distant all my life. Not ugly, or fat, or picked on in any way. I separated myself from others as a matter of course. We had no connection, whatever they felt around me was lost on me. Social cues, meaningless, friendships, tossed aside. I care about nothing. I’m watching my fingers type and know that this […]
I stopped feeling years ago now the only thing I feel is pain I don’t truly know why I’m typing this stuff…maybe it’s so someone that has the perfect advice to see it and gives me that advice and I make a better life but everytime I try I have the cruel reminder some force wants me to see and it’s that I was born to suffer everytime I’m happy I try to bring my mood back down so nobody can have the satisfaction of ruining it I’ve lost every single shred of me that gave me a will to live I want […]
So very alone. So very sick.
I’m running out of hope, and maybe that’s not the worst thing.
I’m sitting on my couch, in my underwear, after binging on food. I’m still binging on food. I feel disgusting and overwhelmed, surrounded by the grime of my house, a house I’m unable to care for no matter what I do.
I don’t know if it’s right for me to write here. What if I trigger someone to go through with their own suicide? It’s difficult to stop obsessively caring.
I don’t know if I can stay alive much longer. I don’t know if it’s right for me to. Some people […]
The famous poem goes
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.
But I can’t say I agree. I refuse to “whimper” out. Never have and never will. I haven’t always won my battles (Christ knows I haven’t), I haven’t always fought bravely against my enemies. But I’ve NEVER rolled over and taken it.
And Life is my greatest enemy. I will not roll over and take it, like so many […]
Its nights like these that I really fucking miss what we had. Holy shit we clicked like I never had with anyone else. I miss laying bed with you watching anime or some other lame ass shit on your lap top. Then making trips at 1 am to the store and picking up $40 worth of junk food. I wonder if you give a shit all the time. That maybe if I gave you a call or a text maybe we could try again. I know that will never happen, but it feels good thinking about it. Sometimes I wish I didnt have these memories […]
We knew each other for six years before we got into a relationship that lasted nearly three years because even though things seemed to get better, exactly one week ago she pulled the trigger. Now the same question keeps on repeating itself over, over and over again: “Why?â€.
Before you all start commenting on why I didn’t help her, let me first make a couple of this things clear! Even before we got into a relationship I knew she was struggling with herself. She had this image of herself not being beautiful, smart and thin enough.
I could see the pain in the eyes. She had a […]
some days i’m okay but other days like today i’m not. i’m trapped in my thoughts thinking about this baby that never took a breath. at times i find myself literally sitting up staring at the wall. what could i have done to possibly warrant this event.
sometimes i think maybe its for the best. she could’ve grown up to be the worst human ever
other times i think its my fault. whoever took her away thinks i cant handle the task of raising her right. maybe i was in over my head. maybe i wasnt ready. i couldnt do it.
i’d rather suffer trying and be constantly […]
So my issues with being suicidal are somewhat complicated. Well, everyone’s are. Does anyone else have a chronic illness? I was diagnosed with M.E at age 13. More commonly known as chronic fatigue syndrome, that is however a pathetic name for something as debilitating as I have. I cycle through extremely bad times and not so bad times. The extremely bad times, like now consist of not being able to stand up for more than a minute, feeling the most overwhelming exhaustion the human body is capable of, not being able to shower or feed myself and being very depressed. The not so bad times […]
To those who are thinking of killing thelmselves ….STOP…take a moment to consider the reality of what will happen. Suicide is the single most selfish thing you could do. The pain you feel right now will not be gone, it will simply be transferred to the people you leave behind. They will never have a chance to say “I love you” again, they will never have a chance to give you a hug or a pat on the back for something good you may not have even known you were doing, they will never have a chance to tell you a joke and see your beautiful and unique […]
im sat here in the middle of my moms living room on the couch listening to music,its like im a ghost they dont see me and if they do they dont care that im here so why am i? why havent I ended it they would notice me hours if I went to my room and ended it they wouldnt find me till its too late,they wont care they never have they know im depressed and they dont even try anymore I see it in their eyes they think im fucked up freak and maybe am which makes it that much clearer that I shouldnt […]
I’m sorry about all the things I did in my “youth”. I made the stupid decision to push you away back when SP chat was so popular. I made a stupid comment saying I committed a grotesque thing that meant I would get banned from that community and sort of shunned. It was for the better, although only because I was on the chat for far too long. I bet it’s either dead now or only 2 or three people left on there.
I can’t think of all the names of my old friends of whom I miss dearly, but yet somewhere in my mind your […]
I don’t know how to start this
But I feel like I need to get it out there
The words that are stuck in my throat
They need to come out of the darkness
And into this world because if they dont
Im just going to keep bottling it up
I guess I was always okay with what I looked like
Then one day that changed
I got more self conscious of my weight
My hips, my stomach, my waist
All of it I hated because it was never perfect to me
My hips were never wide enough
My stomach was never flat enough
My […]
Hi,
I’m thinking ’bout it again, it’s like a dream ’bout dying. You know just to forget everything, the stress is just to much.
I’m sure I will cut again, but still gonna go to school tomorrow.
When I tell someone what is happening to me, they just have those eyes that are cold and painful to watch.
I hate to open up to people.
I so wanna end all of it.
But there is the guilt, what are my family and close friends gonna think and fell?
I just want my blood to flow out of my body, drop after drop.
And maybe the gushing out part is gonna be the best!
I […]
it amazes me how easy it is to fall back into the darkness. one minute i am cruising a long comfortably numb and the next i am making plans to die. i have been crying like someone is turning on a switch. my desire to be alone is strong. from where i am right now i see myself cutting the ties that keep me alive. maybe cutting isn’t the right word. maybe fading away is more accurate. i don’t share the chaos that is going on in my head with anyone. same old shit just different day. the paranoia i feel when i am out […]
Doesn’t that sound pretty whiney/pothetic,but it’s true I’ve never been popular with anyone never had any friends.I must come accross as creepy,boring or maybe even weird.nobody likes me.
Yes, I’m going to take these damn pills now, my life sucks and it’s my own fault. It’s so easy, just pop the paracetamol out of the package and swallow it with some water. Yes, that’s what I am going to do!
But wait. What if it doesn’t work? Better check on the internet what an overdose of headache pills does. Hm, signs of sickness and vomiting after 24 hours. Lethal after 5 days. 5 days? That’s way too much time! I would go to the hospital for sure. And then? Irreversible damage to the liver and maybe even need for a transplantation if an antidote […]
I had friends who I loved with all my heart. I moved in with 2 of them and my boyfriend. We were our own little family. And now. My boyfriend and one of my friends moved away. I try to keep in touch with my friend who still lives in the same town as me but she never gets back to me. Saying she’s working and then I see snapchats of her with other people.
Am I really horrible that this girl that I considered my family for so long would flake out on me?
I have no friends in my home town and I can’t moved […]