I have been having anxiety attacks since I was six years old. When I was 12 I had my first episode of major depression and at 13 made my first plan to kill myself. At 16 I was diagnosed with clinical depression and at 19 I was hospitalized for 2 weeks. Around the age of 30 I had clinical anxiety added to my diagnosis of long term depression. Now I’m nearly 40 and the pain never ends. Sometimes it recedes enough that I can laugh but I’m never really happy. The latest episode of major depression started four months […]
I’m so sick and tired. Once again…..
….my last attempt was a failure. I’m a failure. I can’t keep going like this. I’m tired of meds, tired of the failures, tired of living.
I’m staring at a spot in my room that contains my exit strategy. I always kind of knew it would come to this. I’m ready.
I’ve lost my special person for me, I will never have another…nobody finds me attractive, I’m a loser with a shitty job that barely pays…I won’t live like this anymore. I’m tired of being the family washout.
It’s better this way. When I’m gone, there will be one less expense.
I know I’m new here. I’ve had these thoughts in my head for years, but no one understands me. My meds are off. I’m trying new ones, but they aren’t working fast enough.  Every med I’ve tried either doesn’t work or has side effects that are worse than the damn depression. Therapists have never worked. I’ve never found one that I liked or trusted. I’m afraid that the first one I talked to honestly would dump me in a looney bin or have me forcibly committed. So I can’t open up to them. Basically, everything in my relationship is my fault. Everything. When I try […]
When you take your meds and yet the hills are lower but the valleys deeper, you just want to die.
Nobody understands and money only postpones the inevitable.
People can’t understand, and sometimes nor can I.
But the way life is I just want to die.
I have no hall nor gun and thus can’t commit this ‘crime’ but I do have a death wish and that is mine.
When the meds do nothing but society asks, that you still take them to be all “well”
But you know that death cannot come quick enough
Though I fear and dread it
It solves all ills
i’m 28. currently unemployed and living with my mother. i just (on xmas eve) had my second consecutive miscarriage in less than two yrs (both different fathers, so it’s not a chromosome incapatibility) i’m beyond broken from this. ALL i think about is dying day and night. or getting so F’d up on pills so i don’tt ‘feel’ anymore but i can’t get any. my mother was supportive and comforting at first, then i got upset and called her a name. she wont let me forget it nor does she understand i did not mean it, i was hurt and taking my pain out on the […]
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I have a planned suicide date, a method(very effective) and I’m ready to die.. I’ve taken dozens of different meds and I go to therapy, I have a great family and awesome friends but nothing helps! I try to diet, go out with friends even when I don’t want to leave my room and I try to do things that make me happy but nothing works! I have 7 days left at this point and I’m 95% sure I’m going to go through with it. I really don’t know why I’m asking this but if anyone can […]
My original post of this was a little harsh, so I posted a better version of it. I’m 25, married and suffering. This is just a glimpse of what my life has been like. At age 4 I was diagnosed with Spinabifida, and then my dad died. I grew up an angry kid. As I got older I got Appendicitis and lost tons of weight. I was down to near 70 pounds when they finally got the appendix out. After months of therapy I finally healed. Everything seemed to get better and so I wanted to start a new life. I got married and moved […]
Things I picked up today after seeing my shrink for the first time in a year:
1) Seasonal Affective Disorder blows. I really don’t want to have to put up with this shit every goddamn time the leaves turn, but them’s the breaks.
2) I was reminded that the probability of getting depressed increases more and more for each successive episode. After two periods of depression, you’re likely to go through a third, which means a fourth is even more probable, etc. Of course this means that as time goes by, it’s increasingly likely that I’ll need to be on meds on a permanent basis. Fuck.
3) I’m […]
my meds give me the shakes and its driving me crazy!
I got in a fight last night with my parents again. I’m a brat.. im a ***** the worst daughter in the world. I had a migrane cause my dad keeps FAILING to give me my meds on schedule and since theirs 22 of them starting and stopping them has major side affects. I fell asleep on the couch. After waking up at 11pm i stood up to fix the pillows. And my my mom snapped saying i needed to clean them and what not.
I told her i just got up to do that and […]
All the ups and downs I keep going through is exhausting…
I am heading that direction again because I just want it all to be done and over with.
Do I really have to live like this for the rest of my life?
I HATE THIS LIFE!!!!!
staying positive is getting harder and harder.
I am not normal anymore, I am half a person and people will look at me like I am half a person.
I’m tired. Really tired.
How many years has it been… how many more years will it be?
You all have no idea what you have until you loose it!
I have to live with this. There will be […]
I woke up today and wished again that my attempt had not failed. The meds make me feel fuzzy, at times they make me shake, people looks at me and despise me because they think I am on drugs or alcohol. I am tired, but jittery all the time. I hate the meds, I want my life back the way it used to be or I want out. This frustration is unendurable.
idk what to do anymore. ive tried meds and everything i can think plus somethings from family but its not helping. i feel worse each day more then the last. i feel like im drwoning in my own mind and it scares. for the first time in my life im scared and pleding with tears in my eyes for an anwser but nothing reveals itself and when i go looking i meet by dispair and unimportance. ive been thinking of ending it all and just letting go and i know it would be easy but idk. everyday i think about what is happening to me […]
How do I write a letter to a teacher without sounding like I am suicidal (which I am). How do I tell her about my life in one page so that she can get to know me? Why is god shitting on my life!?!? I have no idea what to do this time. I have no idea waht to do most of the time. I need someone but teachers don’t have the best track record. Because verytime I tell a teacher something in confidence it somehow gets back to my mother! Why am I even writing this? I am just falling apart, my life is […]
hi. well my name is zoe I’m 14 and I think I’m really depressed I’ve had emotional issues since I was in fifth grade but I haven’t ever told anyone about it. I’m a middle child in between two brothers. my dad neglects me and verbally abuses me while I think my mom is great. I hate my life so much and no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to find anything to do about it. I’m so scared that I’m going to end up killing myself cause that’s not what I want to happen. I cut myself on a regular basis and […]
So, been down for a while. Then got an up phase. Felt great. Almost normal, until I tried using a knife and fork, and started thinking about work. The up phase lasted for almost 6 hours, but then came crashing down again.
If I take the meds, then I might not get the downs so bad, but as I understand it I won’t get the ups either. The worst thing is thinking “I’m coming out of this” and then falling again. So maybe taking the meds wouldn’t be so bad?
Therapy would be the answer, but as I am still waiting for my assessment I really don’t […]
As the title states, this is my first post. I don’t even know what  to say except that life feels meaningless.
If I wasn’t such a chicken shit I’d probably have offed myself back in college, but I’ve always been too scared to do it.
My depression started like a spiderweb crack– at first, it was isolated, but now it has spread and I feel like I bring misery to everyone who loves me. I lose everyone who gets close to me because they meet me and I seem so great and bubbly and fun to be with, and then they slowly have to watch me sink […]
its been a while since ive been online. not a lot has happened. but im getting worst. me and my bf broke up, and there is this girl i just wanna kill. me and my best friend are fighting and ive got no sleep in about a week. im going crazy. i run away a lot during the day and sometimes at night. i think about death more and more. i just wanna die. before they were just thoughts but now it is serious. self harm- if i cut my wrist and hope to hit a vein, it will take hours of painful death until […]
When I was diagnosed bipolar in 2007, my life was greatly devastated. Since 2002 I was taking online screening for depression on a pretty often basis and finding I was considered “severley depressed.” Now I was being told that sometimes I’m extremely happy? When have I ever been happy? I was hospitalized for 3 days a day after the first Christmas my Grand-Mother passed away when I was diagnosed by this hospital as bipolar. I could understand if I may have falsey put on a smile when saying hello to a nurse in passing but, it doesn’t even sound logical that I was happy. I […]
I wrote on here the other day about my life has fallen apart completely. I feel completely hopeless and trapped inside my own head, and in the days since that post, I’ve gotten blackout drunk, stopped taking my bipolar meds and had random anonymous sex 2 nights in a row because I have no other way to escape the way I feel. I hate being sober because all I can do is obsess about how my meds aren’t working, about how I can’t seem to pull it together and find hope in anything, and about how the one person I’ve ever truly loved in life […]