I’m sorry for those who left replies on my Wonderland post. I had accidentally deleted it. Thank you those who did, and those who took the time to read it, thank you to you too. Its the next day but I’m scared to leave my room, for fear he’ll be out there to yell my ear off and make me feel less again… I know he loves me because he still lets me stay at the house and drive my mom’s old car… but.. Sometimes, it just seems like all he does is shout at me for everything… he’s coping, and I can’t do anything […]
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Money
My mom died just last year. My dad is still coping with it, doing so much as to order us to not ever go into his room. I’m human, and my brother was hogging the bathroom. So, I went and used it. I get home from my job and my dad starts yelling at me. I naturally can only squeak out the words ‘I’m sorry’.
My mom said that whenever I get scared, I hide in my own little world, my wonderland… my dad has been scaring me more and more, makimg me feel worthless. I’m almost 20, but I can’t leave because I don’t […]
I just feel I’m not worthy of living.
People who live should want to live. They should be happy and should want to accomplish things.
Ive posted about my lists before, that was not really a success. (understatement)
Since Im very chaotic, sigh, I lost my original lists. Which lead to a panic attack caus I cant stand losing things. So I made new ones. And it bothers me really much that I dont know what exactly was on the original lists.. but anyway I’ll just add the things I forgot now later.
I thought I could maybe share the lists this time.
Reasons to die:
I am selfish;
I am ugly. […]
So…I’m 20 year old girl who is feeling like a loser for her whole life.
I fail at college which my parents and I pay a lot of money for. I just don’t feel like studying. Even when I find the will to do that, it disappears quickly and rarely returns. Â I find studying boring and unefficient. I fail at being a college student.
This is just what was been worrying me recently. My whole life is some kind of a sick joke someone got me into and I have the feeling that everyone around me laugh at me behind my back. I’m just miserable.
So I think […]
When I sit and think about my life, there is only a few good memories and few times when I can remember being genuinely happy. I feel that I am just going through repetitive motions everyday. I am taking 5 classes and working 36 hours a week. I have a good job and make good money. I am always so busy trying to keep up with school and work but I rather it be that way than to have time for my mind to travel.
From other people’s perspective, I have it all. But it is a very different story from my point of view. I honestly don’t […]
For too long i have kept up this charade. Pretending to be happy when im not. Im probably like alot of people…for a long time, everything seemed to be going ok, and i had dreams and aspirations and a plan for my life.
But, somewhere along the way, i failed. And i dont have any resentments about it, i know most of the reason as to why i failed rests with me. Im not perfect, im sure if i worked harder, i couldve accomplished more, made something of myself. But, i didnt. I understand that, and thats not what really bothers me anyway.
For too long, my […]
two more life steps and I get to end it all with as little hard feelings as possible.
1. save up nest egg for brother
2. kill self
simple; I don’t care anymore how I earn the money, just that I do. I’m putting this out to my universe so that it sinks deepeer into my brain. I don’t give a fuck about existence. I want out. The things that go on around me, this life, this society of “civilized” apes.. me nah want it. fuck it. keep it. don’t need it. don’t want perception. don’t want a brain. don’t want to know anything. non-existence, c’est ca […]
i’m tired of a lot.
i feel as if i have no life and no space. my father left us 3 years ago and he hasn’t been there much. he calls rude things and lies just about every day. i told him i dont see him as a father figure.. and he doesn’t really do much to change it.
my baby brother turned 5 yesterday but he has down syndrome. his test this year came out showing that he is in a mind of a 2 year old. and of coarse he still wears diapers, he doesn’t talk yet. exactly like a 1 year you could say. […]
I have spent the last two weeks in bed. I have no desire to get out of it. I feel like i am dead but still alive. I am worthless and dont deserve anything. I was the last born in a family of five. My parents had me late in life. My brother who was twelve when i was born was murdered. My brother had a friend that was dealing drugs and setting fires. He was going to testify against is fromer friend. His family had my brother killed. He was struck a car late one night and died of massive head and chest. It […]
Even as a child I knew how my life would end, I used to think it would be before my 21st birthday. My 23rd birthday is next month, I cant count how many failed attempts I have had. I do know that I am better educated now, I know what will and wont work, how much I should take and when to take it. I have a generalized date set, it wont be until after my birthday, it would be selfish to do it sooner. I have chosen to overdose, I have the medications I need. The money for a hotel room. I am calm […]
Hey I am 22 (just turned) male from UK. Basically I am stuck in life. I never leave the house because I have nowhere to go, I have no friends and nobody to talk to every single day, including weekends. I am currently looking for work and have never had a job yet (been looking 2 & 1/2 years). I am done with education as its neve rgot me anywhere and I can not receive funding to do what I even want to do.
I am stuck in life, I have no future and no friends, no girlfriend, no place of my own, no transport, […]
I decided yesterdaythat I need to practice beinq hunry cause I plan to runaway when I have enouqh money to by a bus ticket.I’m a veqetarian and yesterday I went over to my friend’s house,he was qrillinq hamburqers.I was starvinq s bad that I would’t ate three burqers!!Instead I went home to eta my face off!I felt bad.I started not eatinq aqain,different reason now.I said to myself why don’t I starve my self to death!qood Idea huh?I’m kinda happy that If I continue this Ill be qone:)but damn I’m starvinq,this Is hard!I want pizza and hot fries so feakinq bad!What do yall think?Is this Is […]
Hey I am 22 (just turned) male from UK. Basically I am stuck in life. I never leave  the house because I have nowhere to go, I have no friends and nobody to talk to every single day, including weekends. I am currently looking for work and have never had a job yet (been looking 2 & 1/2 years). I am done with education as its neve rgot me anywhere and I can not receive funding to do what I even want to do.
I am stuck in life, I have no future and no friends, no girlfriend, no place of my own, no transport, no money. I have nothing, […]
Well today, the place that said they have a replacement for my broken flow gauge misunderstood me and did not have the right one.
So Tuesday (tomorrow?) I will have to drive 80 miles round trip to a place that I know has what I want. My cup runeth over.
For a brief moment I thought about just running away and driving to a warmer state. I could take the money I had put aside for my cremation and use it to rent a U-Haul type truck one-way. Well that sucked; it would cost me about $2000 and that does not include gas. That is $500 more […]
so where should i start im only 13 i know young everyone says that i am weird. Theres two or three girls especially they make fun of me they put their hands over their mouths say stuff while their looking at me and then laugh they make fun of everything i do and then they make fun of me for having friends in different grades. My parents are divorced ever since i was two they think i am fine with it but im not i cry when im alone. The girls think they are so nice and definitly not bullies they would deny it 24 […]
Consistent with my usual run of luck, I was laying out my gas-bag stuff and dropped my regulator/flow gauge and snapped off and broke my flow gauge. Since you cannot do the job correctly without it, now I have to go out hunting for one on Saturday. More frigging expense out of money I don’t have.
If it was not for bad luck, I would have no luck at all. :)Â <deep breath>
DR
i hate my anxiety. i hate my mental illness. i can’t work because of it. working terrifies me. every time I’ve went to a job interview I’ve had a panic attack or have had to take an Ativan and have been to drugged to be lucid enough to be interviewed. the older i get and the less work experience i acquire the worse it will get. eventually I’ll be 30 applying for a job. and an employer will see my application and ask why a 30 year old has never worked before. and I’ll have to say its because I’m mentally ill. there’s a lot […]
So after I made that post, I had trouble actually falling asleep, so I watched an episode or two of Futurama. It`s a pretty good show, I would recommend it. Anyway after I finally eventually got to sleep, I had a pretty fucked up dream. Though people dream every night, I (they) rarely remember my (their) dreams. I guess this was one that stuck out.
The first thing I remember was going into this smaller type of sort of `home` restaurant (I guess..) and asking for a job. This woman (Maybe..) in her 50`s ish told me that there was already a dishwasher and didn`t need […]
Im done with the pain. I’m sick of feeling like a failure. 35, live in my parents basement, hate my terrible job and boss, have no money and make no money. My depression has gotten in way of my shitty job and I’ll probably be fired when I go in on Tuesday. Everyone wants to tell me my life is going to get better. life has never been happy and good. I just dont see life getting better for a depressed cook who’s 35, single, making shit, and lives in his parents basement.
I expected life to get better when I quit drinking […]
I feel like I am being hounded. I have no-one to turn to or talk to. I feel like I have no purpose in life other than to cook brownies for my sister’s film crew or do the laundry for my family or some other menial household chore. I want to end this but haven’t the will to find a purpose outside of what I know. I hate the role I have as my family’s domestic servant. I want out. I have very little money and only a high school education. Getting a job is so hard because I can rarely remember all the stuff […]