This may be a bit confusing to some of you, but it’s what has the need to be let out of my head. When you’re depressed you need to hold onto whatever you can to live. Make up an excuse and believe it. I can’t say I have felt more pain than someone else because no one can feel what someone feels. I can imagine what others have been through based on my tolerance of pain, but to say I have it worse than someone else does can’t be true. Yes, I know this is horrible, but at least once everyday I imagine killing myself […]
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move
I wanted to write, but now I can’t think of the words. Im trying to stay positive and move forward. I admit I took a few steps back, but Im looking for a brightside, trying to keep my head up. But I worry. Worry about my actions and what I want. I wish I had the words so this post would make sense.
Today was bad. The Angels were bad. The visual hallucinations were bad. Everything was bad. I almost died.
I was barely able to get out of bed because of the Angels; but I forced myself because of my dogs. I was almost unable to stay downstairs this morning; but I had to make myself because I got lumbered with my brother while my mum and stepdad stayed in bed. The visual hallucinations got almost unbearable around this time – 9:50, I believe it was. Everything would move around, faces were everywhere, figures were everywhere. Despite how awful they got, I got my brother to distract […]
I want to cry but cant or even move. Fireworks will go off again soon. I did this to myself. I dated, i was weak, and i suffered and still am. Im not going to just meet someone thats just going to fall in place. Anytime soon even if we need it. Every partner i had, left. This one.. Im ready to go now.. And if i miss im just going to rip it out in agony and do it again. Well thata how i feel
I don’t even recognize the people on this forum anymore, where did everyone go? Did they get better and move along? Did they finally just bite the bullet. I need to talk to someone..
Today i woke up from a horrible dream. To stay up to cry about the baby i lost. And now 3 years later i look over to the one that saved me from ending it all with her relentless love and dedication but as fast as it came it left. It kills me when you give up your life to move across state to make their family yours its depressing when your treated like shit by the person your even here for in the first place. Its fucked up how people lie and deceive you over and over like have you any remorse?? I dont […]
It’s been a while but sadly i’m back here, anonymously telling the world my thoughts.
I made it a good two months through school without cutting. But i’m starting to act up again. Less than a month away till exams and as usual I can’t cope with the stress in my life. Everyday for the past 6 years I have thought about killing myself. Not once have i had a day of a peaceful mind. But it times like this, when i’m under to much stress that I can’t just push away these thoughts. Its times like this i sit on my bed starting at my […]
well, its been 4 days since i posted. Friday evening made another attempt and ended up in hospital, now on suicide watch. i feel so fkn trapped now, everyone is watching my every fkn move. arghhhhhhhhh so fed up
I have school today, and I really don’t want to go. I feel like complete shit this morning. It’s taking all of my energy to move, I’m forcing myself to type this out. I just feel… empty. I’ve always been terrified of death, saying that I’d never kill myself because I don’t want to die, but lately the thought of killing myself and writing out suicide notes has popped up frequently. I’d still never do it, too scared and like I said, terrified of death, but it’s affecting how I act and think. I was doing fine, getting better, but a few months ago I […]
This is a little rant, and a bit of a description of how i imagine my mind to be. Sorry if it makes no sense, but it brings me some odd little comfort to see these thoughts exist somewhere outside my own head.
The world drifts by, just outside of my grasp. The soft floating bubbles of nothingness and confusion occlude my vision. I float in the dense waters of death, guided by the far away light of hope and life. Yet as I reach for it and feel it’s warmth, I shrink within myself. Withdraw in fear and uncertainty. Feel the cold tendrils of death tighten […]
Ok I… I… I am sorry. I know you don’t want that. I know you feel awkward or that… You would feel awkward. And I am sorry. The thing is I think I fell for you. I am sorry. I really am. Your smile, your kindness, your open-mindedness, your eyes, your… everything. I fell for it. And I am so sorry. I’m sorry for myself because once again that is gonna be a one-way love leading to a one-way street of despair. I will try my best not to make you realise how I feel about you. You know what ? Two weeks ago, I […]
I am hellish.
It took me a while to finish that sentence. Today, I was exposed to the revelation that I am that friend. That person; I am changing. I found myself today, in one of those common ruts, depressed and anxious to the extent that I could not keep a facade on my face.
These friends of mine are lovely. They do not judge me openly. They listen. The trouble is, you never know what they’re thinking, hearing you speak, watching you move – or not move at all. But today I did something I never have done. I demanded affection.
A friend […]
Found it so difficult today. Have barely had the energy to move.
Slept most of the day managed to just about get myself showered and washed my hair. (After doing neither for 2 weeks…disgusting I know).
Feel like I could sleep for forever. Wouldnt that be nice? To not have to agonize over methods of suicide but to just fall to sleep and never wake up
I can’t silence the screams to jump, to crash my car, to cut so deep. The comfort I find in driving over a bridge, seeing a tall building or any other method of death is exhausting me.
I’m sorry for people reading this. […]
I thought I was done with this site. Here i am though and its truly been a while. I don’t know what to do. I tried to kill myself when i was at home with my parents i thought that i would move back with my gf and shit would get better. That i could finally be happy and have a family of my own filled with the love i always wanted but since i got here its been nothing but abuse and disrespect. There’s no love anymore and that sucks but i need to stop being stupid and face death like who wants to […]
I’ve lived on the edge my whole life. Never had any stability, never had any sense of security, never felt like there was a tomorrow. I’ll be 38 next month and I’m just so, so tired.
I barely survive week to week. I’ve barely had money to eat when both my jobs won’t/can’t give me the hours I need. I work 12 hour days that add up to only 4-6 hours of pay in total. But that’s not my point. It’s just never getting ahead, never being able to save anything, never moving forward.
My biggest fear is that the man I love really wants to move […]
Every night I feel like disappearing. I have complete means and method to achieve this. However, I made a promise to someone who know hates me. I don’t really think of committing suicide anymore, but every night I just want to disappear. This really just sucks. I am trying to coupe with it as best as I can. Every night I just want to disappear and everyday I wake up with tears. I don’t even know what I dreamed about.
I am pushing forward, but my mind is holding me back. I don’t think negatively of myself anymore. I feel like I turned out pretty well […]
The other day I found myself staring at the ocean.. Waves coming in and breaking over my feet and then going back out again. This process was constant.. never ending. I found myself thinking about the vastness of the ocean and how i could easily get lost out there. There was something so majestic and beautiful about the feeling of the water crashing around my ankles and the feeling of the coarse rocky sand moving beneath my feet. I could taste the salt in the air and I could feel the humidity sticking to my skin.
And yet, in these simply beautiful, […]
I still think of you
more often than I’d like to admit
it still hurts to hear your name
i wish you’d leave my mind
sometimes I want to go after you
but I know that’s not what you want
i understand why you had to leave
I just wish you didn’t
I feel terrible for what I did
what I excepted of you was too great
I got too mad
said and did terrible things
im sorry, and I think you know that
you just don’t care
you left me to save yourself
and that’s ok
i just wish you’d come back
I miss you
I miss our friend ship
I wish things could go back to the way they were
but I know […]
i had a good maby hour and a half then my brother came back home with his shitty boyfriend on top of that i have to listen to my next door neighbors talk shit to. i felt good for what felt like 2 seconds, and it was nice. i just hope i get this job then all i have to do is save up enough money and move. ill be ok i just have to leave no one cares if i leave i just cant go back to that place whats so ever ill be ok.
I already know how it’s going to end for me. My life has been a never ending nightmare and it’s getting worse not better. I grew up severely neglected in hellish poverty, my first suicide attempt was in high school, I don’t have actual friends just people that know who I am, my biological relatives hate me because I’m gay, I’ve had every horrible job a person can have even though I went to college, I have a mountain of debt from college, the only man I love won’t have anything to do with me, and in 2010 I snapped and drank a glass of […]