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my life
Going to eat some lovely sushi with an old friend of over a decade, who I also work with. Life seems like it could have some possibly good out comes. The loneliness is diminishing, I am growing closer to my friends, and I feel like my life might turn around.
Spent the past 8 years as a hermit, but every year around this time, I have to get involved with all of my old friends. Is it my last moment grasp to hang on to the world that is slowly slipping from my fingers, or am I just in that “mood”. Feel like when I […]
I failed.
I don’t mean that I’m a failure as a person or that my fiance leaving me means I’m not “good enough,” but that I failed to be the person that she wanted to be with, the person she felt she could be with. I failed to be the person she thought of as family, as someone permanent.
This is what hurts the most.
It doesn’t help that I feel like I’m the one left behind, the one who’ll take longer to recover (if ever?). She’ll go back to school this semester, taking five classes (although honestly, based on her track record, I suspect she’ll drop at […]
So I tend to assume that the problem is me. With the destructive ways of thinking and habits that I cling to. Or with my defective body. With my distorted, twisted personality. I look at the people around me, and think ‘They look happy. I should be like them.’
If I could only be like everyone else, and feel a sense of meaningful connection with others, then my life would be worth living. It gives me something to aspire to. Got to find a way to fix myself, and then everything will be ok. Or, if that’s not possible, got to keep a lid on my […]
after following this site for many years, I have worked up the courage to spill my guts. I knew it would eventually lead to this very moment. It used to hurt but now that I can wear a mask I don’t need it, the irony irritates me. The pain hurts momentarily before it overwhelms me and i go numb and it subsides. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time with a regurgitation of what others have felt. I’m no different after all I’m not special. The only thing I had was my philosophy and I lost that I lost everything. Money is meaningless. I’m no […]
It has been ten days since i moved back home. i don’t know what i feel right now. but my head keeps trying to find ways to escape from here. i was suppose to see the person i can talk to 10 days ago.but they were out of town. and i don’t want to text them and bother them during the holidays. i know they can help figure me out right now. i don’t want to go back to college. i hated college. i never wanted to go in the first place, but i had to. if i didn’t, i would have no […]
UPDATE: I started typing this last night when I was on the verge of killing myself. Obviously I didn’t….. But I decided to share anyways.
Here I am telling my story to strangers, that will never really know me. I could have told someone else, but she wouldn’t listen. I could have told her family, but it would have hurt them too much. It destroys me to know the amount of pain they will endure, but at what point do I get to stop suffering? I can’t carry on living in misery, just to spare everyone some pain. Life is a giant shit sandwich, and right now I’m just […]
Today was horrible. Let’s start of by saying I met up with a old friend and we smoked a couple bowls and I got really stoned . I stopped smoking because it turned into paranoia. I would just get really anxious and my heart would start racing . I had compulsive thoughts and so much more . And that’s exactly what happened to me today . I thought it would be different . I felt so awkward with her . I have no friends so I thought this would be a good day . Then I ate a lot of food because I was anxious […]
I am simply waiting to check out after my cat dies in another 8 years tops (since she’s middle aged for an indoor cat) seeing as how she’s the only person I can really think of who would actually be adversely impacted by my death with how she gets really down in the dumps after I’m gone just for a few days. I am incredibly brutally nihilistic at this point in my life which started from a very young age where I learned hard that there is no system of justice in physics so I don’t believe in good and evil, to me it’s all […]
The sadness is a heavy weight in my chest, a deep empty feeling.
It’s better than being angry, I think, but this pain is so consuming. If I’m not actively distracting myself (and even sometimes when I am) I can just feel her absence, the loss.
I don’t want to feel this way. I’m so tired of being sad. And even worse, I think I’d be happy if my heart wasn’t broken. After ten years I finally feel like my depression is lifting, but I still feel incredibly sad anyway.
It still feels unreal, that she left. She’s my best friend- I was her best friend- and I thought […]
For the past couple of months I’ve been contemplating what my next move should be. “Should I try to fix my life, or should I say fuck it and end it?” I’m still not sure what the best choice is, they both have their pros and cons. I think I’ll attempt to fix it in the next coming months. I’ll try to get a GED and I’ll put all of my effort into it. If I manage to fail then I’m done. That’s it. I’m not giving myself more than one chance to fix everything. I’ve already wasted too much time being nothing. Even if […]
I’m going to keep this short, sweet, and unrelated to the norm. I want to write, and normally I don’t ask if it’s a good or bad idea. I generally just do it and say fuck the consequences, but this time is a little different. As you all can guess, it’s about a girl, and it’s complicated. First, a little update on how romance has been going in my life. The girl that has caused me so much sorrow and heartache has officially been given up on, and I have moved on. Now that’s out of the way, straight to why this shit be complicated […]
(TW mentions cutting)
I’m scared. I can’t shake this misery. I don’t know how to.
I’m so afraid of death but so afraid of carrying on with my life- is it just going to be like this from now on? Hurt piled upon hurt upon hurt and the remedy all in other people’s hands?
I don’t know how other people live. How do they know who they are? The only identity I have is my achievements and when I’m prevented from achieving (by rejection, by being overlooked, by not being WHAT PEOPLE WANT) my drive to live just runs out immediately.
This morning I cried and […]
It’s as if all I can do is cry.
Even just spending maybe two hours with my family for Christmas was hard. Pretending to be okay even though I feel like half my family is missing- how could I be spending Christmas without her?
How could I be spending my life without her?
It still feels unreal; I think of her, of memories with her and I can’t believe that she could leave me. She called me her wife. She said I was for forever. I just can’t get over the idea that she’s gone. The idea that she could leave me, that we wouldn’t be together, was […]
I am married and 22yrs of age with no children. I have a loving husband with a very strong mind, a mum that’s been a Christian most of my life. I have reached a time in my life where I have thought deeply of committing suicide. I have pictured it happening, pictured me in a casket with my niece and nephew looking at me wondering why I’m lying there. I have seen my husband finding me and crying uncontrollably. I have seen my mum bed ridden for days. I am very upset at myself for seeing all of this because this is not me.
Being honest […]
I cannot believe how much my life has changed in 6 months. I loved life, had amazing friends, family, educational and social life. I have always had quite a hard family life where I have had to help care for members of the family doing this daily made me think I was a good person.
My life is so different now. A video of me has went viral. I was drunk and have absolutely no idea wat the content is but EVERYWHERE I go I get laughed at, made fun of and have comments shouted at me. I have left my job because the abuse I […]
I am going to end it these days. I want you to know that no matter what problem you have in your lives it will always be a brighter way. The thing is that in the world are losers and winners. I am a loser, even if have / will have everything this darkness that is inside of me won’t go away. Btw, you are always in control. No matter what happened to you, you are always in control. Don’t be a fucking depressed guy like me and go and live your life at your fullest. Do whatever makes you happy. I am sure that […]
Hello,
I just recently came across this site as I was in a broken state. I’ve taken hundreds of online depression quizzes and all seem to say the same thing…that I am severely depressed. Every time I bring up being tested to my mom, she makes it seem like it’s a big joke and laughs. It has never once got through to her that maybe something is wrong with me. People talk about me, “friends” don’t want to hang around me, my mother claims im a long list of words such as: ugly, fat, a pig, stupid, attention seeker, drama, dumb ass, retarded….. the […]
Why does killing yourself have to be so hard? I mean methods. They’re so much work and I’m so tired anyway. Shouldn’t I have the right to die quickly and painlessly if I want to? Why does anyone else have the right to force me to stay alive? Why is every decision except this one considered sacred and inviolable? I’m allowed to do anything with my life besides end it. Why are DNRs only acceptable for some illnesses and not others?
My dear nephew you’re so young you won’t even begin to understand this decision so it might not even effect you the holidays are coming and shall i perish now or in the future you’re mother will be given a paper copy of this note and she’ll give it to you when you’re old enough so here i go as you may or may not know already i could never manage to have children of my own and never really found happiness but everytime you huged me it brightened my world and i want you to know if anything ever happened to your mom or […]