My life is a collection of twisting, winding paths. Most are dark, lonely, stormy, fiery, and led me to anger, hatred, pain, sorrow, loneliness, and fear. But there was this one particular road, full of colorful roses on either side, and led me to warmth, light, hope, beauty, content, laughter, smile, love and happiness. To know that once upon a time, I walked down this path under the warmth of the pretty blue sky, danced under the rain, and prayed under the thousand stars of the summer sky. That once upon this path I ran with laughter across the green pastures, and as I dozed […]
10 months ago my girlfriend of 9 years left me. We kept in contact the entire time. There was hope. Sometimes a lot of it… Sometimes little… But the hope to get back together was always there. As of yesterday though, that hope is gone. She’s far away… with someone else… and wont be coming back now. She was my first and i was hers… I was 25 and she was 18. Aside from some problems here and there, i thought it would last forever.
I was never interested in a relationship until i met her. Never looked for one. Never slept around. I had a […]
Sorry I’m so wordy, and you probably don’t care. I guess I’m just whiny.
My timeline of friends and now I have no one..
I shall never have the guts to tell you this but I’m sorry to have inherited your unhappy traits. However, I want to assure you that I’m going to end this “unhappy breed” in my generation. I’m so sorry to have questioned you why you brought me to this world. I can guess as a mother, it must have hurt you very much. I’m even sorrier that the question came from the bottom of my heart. I’d like you to know that every time you leave my room after a bitter conversation with me and sob in the middle of the night in the kitchen, […]
I’ve been reminded on facebook that it’s been 20 years since high school… This is me with all the co-founders of the first nonprofit I worked with. 20 years ago to this day our nonprofit became official. (I’m the goth one all in black in front)
In the 20 years since…. I only regret not paying attention. As a kid, I firmly believed I’d be dead by age 20 so I never really took my life seriously. *sigh*
So lets see if I can explain this i have attempted suicide so many times its become like an addiction. But ive always been saved cause ive always gotten afraid and get help after ive done something. I don’t want to live but im afraid to die.i can go half way through with suicide and take the pills i can stand on the bridge but i cant jump and i cant not call for help cause im afraid.
But lately the urge is there again and i have to do it failed attempt or not cause it’s like cutting if you don’t do it the […]
I always thought that the majority of my reasons is because of me… How broken and misserable i am… But now i realize… You are the reason why im completely broken and why im misserable…. Coz you’re a parasite… You suck me dry of my ambitions… How could i have energy to make my life better when each day you fill me with hate anger and resentments. I spend soooo much time with self pitty and crying. I spend so much energy pretending to be happy… And you know what… I cant pretend anymore… You wonder why i nag??? Well maybe coz the things you […]
It’s been a little bit since I’ve been able to get on here.
Dealing with my uncle’s death and the holiday and all.. There’s been a lot going on in my life that’s kept me away.
Anyway, I hope I didn’t miss anything and I’m sorry I wasn’t able to comment or help anyone. I hope everyone is still here.
How is everyone doing?
Every now and then i think i should just remove myself from the lives of everyone i could possibly influence. Sometimes i think of ending my life, other times I think of disappearing.
I think im here for the anonymity of this forum. I dont talk to anyone about how i feel because that is useless. If they dont have the same feelings then they cant understand and i imagine i would be even more of a burden then.
I also dont want anyone to call a shrink because im “suicidal”. That wouldnt help… at all. Im not the guy who sits in a quiet […]
Hey folks, look to the sky, that bird floating above the clouds is the divine seagull. These graceful fliers may look unphased by the troubles of life, but wait until they touch down, and it’s a different story. When you see one on the ground they’ll usually be in tatters from having to fend off and procure food from their hostile and greedy friends. It could make anyone think they ended up that way from tumbling down in a near deadly crash. Alas, life in the dirt is rough, we get up, we fight, we stay up, we fight, every once in a while we […]
When did you ever leave?
I didn’t
Where the fuck are you?
I’m still here
I’m going to let go
But you can’t…can you
No I guess I can’t let her go. I never have been able to. I still hold her hand in mine, I still look into her eyes, I still hear her voice in my head. I can still feel her presence…as if she’s standing next to me. Is she? Am I crazy? Am I ever going to be able to forget? No Rory you can’t let her go can you, you weak fuck. […]
I feel like if I could just feel happy sometimes, I could make it happen more often. Is there anyone else who hardly remembers being happy? I have better times, but they’re still painful. I still feel virtually powerless over my depression. I feel like I should have it figured out by now. It’s been years.
I looked in the mirror earlier, and apart from the walking stick and dressing gown, I looked like an ordinary healthy person. Some days I can function almost completely normally, and I think I must have been exaggerating – I hardly remember what the worst days were like. But it […]
Do you ever feel you don’t belong on this planet? I’m plagued with this idea most days of my life.
I usually feel as though i’m just waiting for the day my mom passes so that I can release myself from this place. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m homesick.
I’m trying to put together a playlist of songs that, throughout my life at some point, have held meaning. A couple may just be extras that are favorites from the offline playlist I’ll have on repeat when I go. But if someone would just listen, then you would know who I am. Sorry if you don’t understand the songs not in English, you are missing out on good stuff with deep meaning. 😉
Listen to me: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLNzoz_Bdzq_8KDAlE7hyzW6vXBT0AxqR-
I don’t know but it’s some place I didn’t ever imagine I’d be. I always felt like I got dealt a shit hand in life and that no matter what I did nothing good would come my way. I half ass tried and dragged ass through life aimlessly, I couldn’t even be bothered to care about myself. I guess I never truly felt loved or wanted  so maybe on a subconscious level I felt I didn’t deserve to feel that for myself. I cared and loved in all the wrong ways for all the wrong people. I got hurt so bad that it felt like […]
Everyday now you hear stories of people who are so upset, depressed tortured, bullied, and how they in their lives so shortly and swiftly and how everyone around them is so effected by their choice and how cruel and selfish they were to take their lives as they did. Honestly, I can’t help but feel like they are the lucky ones. They’re the ones who’ve realized what to do how to help themselves they know their way out. People have always said that suicide is a sin. I want to make it very clear that suicide is not a sin. God would not so harshly […]
Sometimes I feel as though I’ve done all I can do; other times I feel as though I haven’t done anything at all.
In late October/early November of 2014, I became extremely ill and had to be taken to the clinic. There, I was seen by a doctor, and while she was talking, I suddenly because very light headed. Then I had tunnel vision, and everything went black.
I woke up to find myself surrounded by people, all leaning over me, and laying down on the cold, harsh tile floor. I felt a pounding headache, where I had evidently hit my head when I fell of the […]
some days I think of it less, today is a day that I am unable to give positive confirmation to…, the thought of it is so close, so close…if I were to sit still it would turn me into a fossil. it’s the landscape, it’s the atmosphere, when I breath it in, I can taste it on the roof of my life as I exhale, life isn’t so hard, just strap in and bleed if I only write the words that rush out like menses I don’t have to think to hard about what they might’ve ment, they’ve already been forgotten at their core. self […]
It’s only been a couple of weeks since we stopped talking and it already feels like months. I feel so lonely now, but overall it’s easier this way. I think about the things that happened a bit less all the time, and I’m not waiting for your emails. But I still think about you every day. I miss the things you said so much. I think about everything bad that happened, and all the reasons our relationship was crumbling away, why it ended and why I shouldn’t get back in touch with you. And I remember all the things you said when we first met. […]
I absorb negative emotions so quickly and frequently. I don’t even have any reason to be upset at life. I’m just physically drained all the time.
I remember back in high school and earlier, I was always bright and full of life etc, but HS just ruined me. That’s not to say I had a rough time through it, I’m an average dude, had friends and did okay on subjects. But I was always invested in the idea of having a partner. Having someone to love and care for. And that want has slowly been stripped back piece by piece and I just don’t even try […]