When you fall back into your old thoughts and ways. When you wish life could be better or that some how you can just go to sleep and not wake up. I’ve been feeling like complete and total crap the past few months. I’ll be honest my health has been on a steady decline and it sucks. It sucks having ovarian cysts that keep reoccurring more painful each time, have HPV and being at risk for cervical cancer some day especially now since I would have repeated and frequent abnormal cervical cells. Not just that But my joints constantly pop and I have the shingles […]
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new
Went to counselor today, had a really good session with this new counselor for the first time. Come home, Mom wants to know how the session went. Then Mom proceeded to say how the counselor doesn’t know anything. Mom somehow thinks she’s the expert and has all the answers on how to fix my life. Then later on I’m in another room of the house and I can hear her and my Dad bad-mouthing me. I’m glad they let me live here during this divorce process, but they FUCKING DRIVE ME CRAZY !!! Can anyone relate to this?
After two attempts at my life in the matter of two weeks me and my husband went to the doctors go more medicine and some new ones he’s holding on to them because it’s easy to overdose on them I’m mad but I understand I guess he loves me and I love him I don’t know why I’m so addiment about killing myself
so it seems my options now are go to live in the new mexico desert, in a bedbug-infested trailer with my sister and her husband, who can barely support themselves… or stay here with my parents, in a home of alcohol and violence, where nothing will ever change. i have to choose one or the other by the 2nd. i’m not feeling very hopeful about my future, needless to say.
“Are you OK?”
I’m sick of hearing this question. No, obviously I’m not OK. But this doesn’t mean that I’m ready to share whatever is killing me with you.
I’m purposeless. I’m lost. I’m continuously crying. I’m craving for some love. I’m craving for someone who just makes me feel home.
But I don’t get this. I only get strange cold stares from people I meet everyday because I have to. I see the pity in their eyes. I can almost feel it filling the room whenever I walk by.
I just want to vanish and recreate a life of mine, a total new one, where no one would […]
He did it to me again. Last night, he saw the intent in my eyes. And he trapped me.
Showered with loving kisses, pleading words for me not to go. A couple years ago I would have considered myself lucky, to have found someone who yearns for me to live. I now know the truth of it all.. love is selfish. Each kiss he plants on my body is a new shackle tying me up to this life. Every inch of my body, covered in thorned threads, adorning me with love and blood, imprisoning me to this very existence. “Don’t leave me..” he whispers. “You promised […]
Waking up everyday feeling that you’re worthless, not knowing what to do with your life. I constantly think about the meaning of it all, yet I always come up with a blank. Living day after day without anything to hold on to. I have a couple of friends that I hang out with sometimes or go to events, but I don’t know how to make real connections, because I’m socially awkward. I keep telling myself “Just try to be friendly, do your best, you will improve, you will meet new people, everything will get better” But it doesn’t. It just gets worse and just thinking […]
I have to get out of this state. I need a fresh start. I need something new. Something stable. I want to find love again and I’m not going to find that if I’m misserable. I need to love myself before I can love anyone else and I’m trying so hard to make that happen. I Have to find a way to support myself before I can leave. That’s the fun part. Right? Wrong. Getting a job in a new state isn’t easy. But I have to. I need this. Am I wrong for moving so far away from my mom after all she’s done […]
So I am new at this site and am seeking advice. I am in my mid twenties and am a relatively successful individual. About 6 months ago my life turned upside down when I was diagnosed with a cosmetic skin condition call fordyce spots on my lips. The problem with this condition is that it is progressive meaning it gets worse with time and that there is currently no cure out on the market. Over the past few months I have quit my job lost most of my friends and have detached from family, religion, and basically anything else that requires social interaction. I have […]
It was June 2013 and a friend recommended me to a self help workshop called world works. It was a cult. They used sleep deprivation and yelling techniques to control 30 of us in a room with limited breaks. There a 3 levels of the program and I reached level 2. I quit after that but they were still bothering me writing nasty texts and kept calling me. They were awful and tried to make you feel terrible. My friend asked me whats the matter. I thought not talking about would make it go away and it didn’t. I felt like I was being followed […]
Saw my new counselor today, for I think the 3rd time. She’s nice and all, but I think naïve. Nothing she says really makes me feel any better. Next week she says we’re going to work on the grief I’m feeling over the breakup of my marriage. Sounds like a good plan to me, but I don’t really see myself getting over being dumped after 24 years of marriage. Taking new anti-depressant but its not helping. Visiting with my son tomorrow which is good, but in a way he just reminds me how much the ex hates me. The misery is just a constant now, […]
The title says it all. Every single day i am so fucking depressed and nothing can change that. Many people say tomorrow will be a new and different day and that you will be better. BULSHITS! I am so fucking desperate and every day that i wake up from the 10 minutes that i can close my fucking eyes nothing gets better and nothing is improved. My depression becomes worse and worse, and when i think that this pattern will continue in the following years makes me sad and desperate. Suffering never ends…
hell, I was so happy last year. New flat, new work, old friends, the most amazing boyfriend in my life…and now?
I fear death. Not my own. I can’t bear the thought of surviving while my beloved one doesn’t. I can’t see my beloved die, so I die first. don’t we have the right to choose and push the escape button?
It is so dangerous to love and then fear the death of that loving person.
So it’s been a while since I’ve posted properly. Had a good vent.
Honestly, it’s because I haven’t needed to. Things are good. They feel good. Only they don’t really feel good. Not like they should. Not like they did.
Made a new friend. It’s nice having a new friend. Distracts you from your own life.
I have a nice little community, a nice support system, if you will. And we all look out for each other. And they just accepted me in one day. And they treat me like a friend, they are genuinely interested in my life and how I’m doing. I haven’t had that in […]
I am new to the suicideproject.
I have been browsing the site, and I have seen some very interesting writing and many other creative things. This place seems like it could be engaging to me. There seems to be a lovely sardonic nature to the comments as well. I guess you could say that I am genuinely interested.
I have been struggling with depression for many years, and I hope to find some people to relate to. Please ask me whatever you would like, it will help me get acclimated to this site.
-TheGerm
A few days ago, very depressed, I went for a walk in search of a bridge. I’m in a new city and do not know where anything is. I traveled down a deadend road and wouldn’t you know it, I find train tracks. Not only that, I see a train coming. This was it. Here was my chance. To finally end it all after nearly twelve years of suffering with severe depression and suicidal thoughts and attempts. I waited on the train tracks as the train neared. But as I waited, all I could think about was the fact that I have terrible luck and […]
My story is a bit of a funny story, I suppose. I had an awful childhood. Not the worst, it had it’s bright moments, I suppose. I was never physically abused, but physical abuse isn’t the worst kind of abuse… When I was really little, I was diagnosed with ADHD, and the doctor said I was borderline autistic, but he didn’t want me to live with that label too, so he never gave me an official diagnosis. But he said my symptoms were so bad, I would likely never graduate high school, and if I did it would be through special education.
My parents divorced when […]
…Or rather, life when depression is artificially suppressed by a drug called Abilify. It’s pretty good peeps. The weather here in the UK is freaking gorgeous at the moment. Not hot but so mild and balmy, cloudless sky, pollution in the high range here in London apparently but I can’t say I’ve really noticed.
I was getting out and mixing somewhat before, but always driven by desperation, need and fear of the alternative. Now I’m getting out coz I’m kind of excited to meet new peeps and do new things. Went to a local social meet up thing this afternoon, for peeps over 50 with a […]
I must pick up the pieces
And Put them together
Make sure all the cracks are concealed
So they stay out of sight
The audience must be pleased
Even if I’m not at ease
Hi you could say Im new but not to depression, psychosis and anxiety and loneliness. Ive had it all my life dont know where it comes from, my mum and dad are normal, my bro has a bit of psychosis/anxiety but i think mines worse. I have paranoid thoughts (delusions) like im the only real person and im being watched/judged even for example scared of expressing myself like answering simple questions like what kinda music do you like, i say i dunno. Or ordering something at a restaurant or food place i feel judged for what i order or even say like they know what […]