I have been having anxiety attacks since I was six years old. When I was 12 I had my first episode of major depression and at 13 made my first plan to kill myself. At 16 I was diagnosed with clinical depression and at 19 I was hospitalized for 2 weeks. Around the age of 30 I had clinical anxiety added to my diagnosis of long term depression. Now I’m nearly 40 and the pain never ends. Sometimes it recedes enough that I can laugh but I’m never really happy. The latest episode of major depression started four months […]
Tag:
Nightmares
The dreams call to me
Listen, listen they whisper
We’ll show you who you really are
So I delve in hopeful, full of wonder and disregard for the waking hell I live in
Hoping for some kind of respite
Some relief from the pain I feel
But what I find is more than just real
I see myself in all my flaws
Grasping and the wind where my life just had been
All my loves all my joys all the reasons I live to wake for
Shown to me to hold once more
Before I wake and find I’m torn
Between these blissful nightmares and this despairing reality
Where love had been now replaced by hate
In dreams I […]
Lucky him he’s moved onto a new girl i should be happy, but its only to ironic. Tanners new girlfriend is Ryanne, ive been talking to her ex dylan. She said i’d look cute with him but even though i like him i dont wanna date him, one because i wanted to give them both time to heal, and because of the fact i dont wanna date anyone cause im still not over tanner, i dont wanna use anyone as a rebound.
It’s not fair i hate all of them all this fucked up shit, i wonder if tanner knows those more recent scars on my […]
it can sometimes be the best medicine to cure any mental, physical or emotional illness/problem…
but sometimes its the worst… Nightmares…
But! Sleep really can be one of the best things to do
(Not upset or anything, just putting it out there)
Goodnight!
Feels like I’m aimlessly floating. The addictions I can’t seem to beat and the ones I just don’t want to or see the need to leave behind. Tired of not living.. but don’t really feel like I want to ‘live’ anymore. Floating around and around. Moving inside my head. Thoughts telling me that I’m not here, I’m not really here.. Just watching everything pass by. I’m not on any medication or drugs, thank you very much. This is how things are. Music drives me. Tales of adventures and forbidden love. I get lost in other worlds.. I can’t handle this one. It can’t handle me. […]
The needle for your soul and the steel and concrete for your body: double-barreled hell. It is known as desolation unknown. And yet, somehow, I don’t know how, it is known. From this perspective, it would be rather nice to have my brains blown out. So I used self torture as a focus to distract from desolation unknown, my only rule was: do not tear the skin. I urinated on my feet to keep them warm, but at least I had urine. Because after two days, I was given water. It makes very little difference if you are on the inside or if you are […]
Hello SP
This is by far one of the oddest things I have ever been asked to do. But here goes.
Some of you may remember me from a few years ago. My wife died in childbirth and my daughter of leukemia. I was angry at the world and god. I tried to kill myself. I meet someone here who saved my life. He talked me down from my darkest hour and we became good friends. He too knew grief, we were bonded by pain.
I was diagnosed with cancer this year, I almost didn’t get the treatment, but he convinced me to change my mind. I am now in remission. He has saved […]
Life to me is just unhappiness i dont like being here really… Nobody has done anything to make me feel this way i just dont see the point in a meaningless unhappy life full of anger and depression… Im 14 and most people just say to me that i will be fine its just school and its stressful but school isnt a problem at all. I have friends and family that care about me but i never seek help from them because i dont like contact with other people, i like being alone by myself so i lock myself away.
I constantly question myself about my […]
I hate this time of year. Then again I hate every day. It is all torture. From foster home to orphanage to terrible home I jump, waiting, praying till I turn 18. People tell me it gets better and i’ll b happy soon. But does it really and how do they know?
I was taken to a new home for this holiday season. The couple has lots of money and the mother is a doctor but she can’t have kids so she chose me. Lucky me right? No. I’d rather b a million other places. The one thing I can tell u about this house… the basement is cold […]
Every day feels like a living nightmare. I am asleep all day with nightmares of my abuse and losing the only things left that I care about. I have no energy all day. I’m awake all night and all I do is write but now I’m losing that too. It physically hurts to move and breathe. I don’t want to be here anymore. I just want to disappear. I’m sick of the flashbacks, and the yelling, and being sick with mental illness. I’m sick of everything and I don’t want to do this anymore.
I get a bunch of crap from a lot of people. I have been hurt all my life… I never got used to it. My dad calls me crap, tells me I’m not worth a place on Earth. My mom shoves God down my throat 24/7. My brother makes jokes about suicide a lot. I have to lie to my family, act like everything is fine. I told my grandma about my friends cutting to see what she thinks about cutting before I told her that I do it. She responded ” Oh My God, why would anyone cut, Â Its so disgusting.” I ended up […]
My life drags on.. Day by day.. Night by night. The easiest I can make it is sleeping, dreaming, only the dreams sometimes brings nightmares. Can life really be this difficult? Is it really possible that souls can be so.. Broken, that the only way out is taking ones life? Was it necessary to even put the broken souls on earth to just suffer in silence? To cry themselves to sleep? To be so needy of death to save them..? Are tears even worth it? I can put ink on paper and still have nightmares about waking up. Life is displeasing. What if I left? […]
My Night
I put the cold barrel in my mouth,
To quiet the screams that may come out.
My hands shake when the time nears,
As my eyes cry silent tears.
I can’t help, but think to say,
Will this really be my last day?
I wanted to test fate with a little game…
Russian roulette, now that is a shame.
I sought out a sign to tell me to stay,
To keep on trying until my golden days.
Three out of five loaded, and ready to go
Two left out, now time for the show.
I pulled the trigger, and let out a small yell.
I was sure, right then, I had been sent straight to hell.
As the minutes passed, I opened my eyes,
Life […]
So every single morning, I wake up. Obviously, either wise i wouldnt be here right now and you wouldn’t be reading this crappy entry. but oh well. anyways, i do my normal routine, get ready for school, stare at myself in the mirror, criticize myself, decide whether or not i should skip breakfast, blahblahblah. sounding familiar? .. then i get to school, dont know who to be around with in the morning, should i hang out with my backstabbing friends , or be a loner and get looks and shit? i choose the latter most times. school goes pretty fine, heart hurts everytime i see […]
Please read my entire post before commenting…
My whole life has been me slipping in and out of depression, so I know what it’s like finally feel renewed and pull out of depression. That said, I’ve never felt this bad before about myself… it’s unprecedented for me to feel THIS bad. You know how people say they’ve hit rock bottom? Well, to give you perspective, I feel like rock bottom was the thing that hit me on the head, that’s how low I am.
So what happened to get me this low? It’s a list of things that have piled on me. 1) I only have $30 […]
Normally when I have a flashback or nightmare I write about it in my journal. Today I decided to post about it on here just so that I don’t have to keep this mess hidden inside me. This is hard for me to write about so I’m sorry if it doesn’t make too much sense.
I don’t usually have good sleeps, some nights I don’t sleep at all. I’m terrified of the dark in fear of my abusers getting me. Last night I dozed off, I didn’t fall asleep, just went into a trance to try to calm myself. Around 10am this morning I was triggered when I […]
some of us, they are visible
but no one seems to care
some of us, its deep within
all the tears we hold in
some of us come home to abuse
scarred to face the back of his hand
some of us go home to the blade
and as the blood drips down our arms
we think of the life we are set to live
some of us can change it
finally speak up
some of us can only wait
living day by day
some of us cry to sleep
Everyday I am sinking. Like a stone. I am nothing and no one but empty bones. I am hollow through and through and I just don’t know what to do. I am a coward. Food tastes funny and sleep lacks escape. My vivid nightmares, mocking reminders of my pointless reality. This is shit. But what’s a coward to do? I wish I could brave up and take that last ending step. I wish I could float away effortlessly.
I’m no longer daddy’s little girl. The princess of his castle. There is no wonder left, no stories of wonderful lands and castles in far away places. Just the terrifying nightmares that haunt me in my sleep. The ones of innocence taken away, the ones of betrayal. Daddy stars in my nightmare and this time he brought friends. Because I have no hope of being successful there’s only one thing I’m good for now.
I stand lost in my nightmare with pain and sadness. I see myself shatter time and time again. And then suddenly I’ve had enough i can take no more pain. I don’t want to feel anymore so I […]
Had a few good (sort of) days. Now the depression is coming back like it always does. Suffering 2 month long dakr depression for 2 to 3 days of mild happiness? Who ever said it was worth it was a wonderful optimist. The sad part is the depression is getting worse and darker and playing with my suicide button I don’t really hide at all within myself. I dare it to push it. But no…The depression gets longer into the burning depths while the “happy†days shorten. It makes me want to go back to cutting so I can endure this predictability more easily and […]