found out the greatest news today from my friend. My bf, whom i havent seen since monday, isn’t coming back to school. Fucking Awesome. we’ve been together a little over 2 months and i was looking forward to a lot longer than that. She said it like it was nothing, and i was internally getting pissed off, which led to numbness and everyone thought i was pissed, becuase thats what my facial expression was. He got some kind of job and i don’t know how to deal with this. Things were finally getting better and I felt the world wasn’t constantly conspiring agaisnt me now, […]
Tag:
Numbness
I’ve been fitghing against suicide since I was 11 years old, 5 failed attempts with a difficult internal war against hurting my family in my mind. Each time, under the water or out in the freezing snowy fields, I eventually find myself in a state of bliss, which eventually goes off, the numbness and stangnacy that I see as my only possible future just dances its way back into my life and I start all over again.
And once again I’m here on this edge looking for a way to do this without harming those I love. It’s not a matter of weather or not […]
I am waking up every day not wanting to do anything but sleep. I push myself to do the things I need to do. I remember learning that the key to overcoming depression is to keep on with your routines. I don’t really agree. There is this hollowness that comes with each day, I smile, I laugh, I behave kindly, I turn the other cheek, I maintain composure, I stifle and stifle…
And I feel dead. I come home to my flat and lay down. Sometimes, I’ll watch a show or read. Sometimes, I’ll spend a few minutes sharing pleasantries with a “friend”. Sometimes, I might […]
Since I see so many of you not knowing what could possibly help to get back on track, I’ll just tell you what I think are the pros of living.
*Nature. Nature’s pretty. It’s calming. And that’s why I try to keep forests and such clean and pretty. If it’s pretty for me, it’s pretty for everyone. Until there’s at least one square mile of greenery left, I will enjoy life.
*The sky. I don’t really count this as the same as nature, because it gives me a different kind of joy. Seeing it in the summer, that blue blue sky makes me think of flying like […]
I have suddenly become so incredibly numb and exhausted. I want to scream and cry, but I just can’t. I just want to feel something real, I’m so tired of apathy and exhaustion.
In an attempt to feel something, I just started attacking my thigh with a small blade. I find it quite beautiful, the way to begin with there’s just a dent in the skin, but then it gradually rises before drops of blood begin to surface. My thigh is now covered in short cuts and I like the messy zigzagging. It’s the only way I can think to represent how I feel. I […]
Its that time of day again. The time where everything is dark and hopeless. Where everything is horrible end  everything is falling apart.
This happens everyday and there is nothing I can do about it.
Some nights are worse than others… Last night was the worst in a few weeks. so tonight is not as bad but it is still horrible and incredibly painful..
I wish I could feel total numbness. Or smoke some bud. Take a few shots of vodka or whiskey. Anything to stop these thoughts for the time being..
cutting is not goin to help me and it’s not what I want To do. I want […]
I have felt little to no emotion as of late. I am confused. Possibly insane. Nothing in this world, nothing, I cannot understand. Try as I might, I cannot figure out my way out of my corner. The maze in my head. This is my DARK ABYSS. I guess. Shannon being dead couldn’t be registered emotionally, I could feel no emotions. If this is numbness, then holy shit thats awesome since I feel absolutely nothing anymore. It makes me so confused though.
Where the hell am I. My flashlight left me. Flashlight where’d you go. It’s dark and lonely. (Just a random thought in my head.)
Well, […]
I’m having a tough time reconciling much of anything: the numbness I feel, the suffering inflicted on me and others, the deep, penetrating emptiness I feel… It’s existentialist really; I simply can’t find an explanation for the absurdity of this mockery of a life, this incessant suffering that undercuts whatever joy I have left, or, rather, had.
I was kicked out of the house by my dad a year ago after I got into it with him over his alcoholism and my apparent laziness and moved in with my mom and stepdad; however, I left home to live on my school’s campus (it’s a boarding/day school) […]
When I first starting cutting last year it hurt so bad. Now it’s like I’m numb. I can cut so deep it won’t stop bleeding for hours but it never hurts. Does this mean that I’ve gotten used to hardship and pain?
I am definitely in a bad place right now. I started cutting again and i am desperate for someone to talk to openly, admitting i have a problem.
There is one person who knows this and ignores it by saying i should know better, and it makes sense. But it is not easy to stop just like that, i have some good periods and than it gets worse. I cut so badly, i cut all the way through the flesh, and it disgusts me the other day. People are already noticing i have to many scars, i keep lying but i don’t know what to say […]
Look at these definitions of depression on slango  so true but they dont say how to get out. We already know this stuff. Why doesnt it say how to get out? Or why we have depression?
‣ A state of altered perception where one sees the world as bleak and dark.  Feelings and actions such as purposelessness, disinterest, low self esteem, [self-harm], pessimism, suicidal thoughts or tendencies and a lack of motivation or energy may accompany it. It is not simply the feeling of being sad, but is a lasting state of mind that could be caused by a number of factors. Many health problems lead […]
Hello all,
I have the urge to declare my sanity and justify my actions. I doubt that anyone will be convinced that this was the right decision. They are all too caught up in what they believe is sane or what they believe is “good” or “happy”. I believe it is my right to decide what I do with my life. It is my goddam decision! We all preach to the rest of the world about “freedom”. Well, how “free” are we really if society can’t accept someone’s decision to end their life? The word suicide is shunned and scorned. A person who commits such a […]
numbness of the mind
rots inside its self
begging you to be kind
only to yourself
i want what i cant have
numbness makes me aware of this
another threatening stab
killing whats left
god why?god why? god why?!?!
My name is Alex. Everyone thought I was the happiest person they knew. I made myself believe it at times. I have been depressed since I was about six. And now seven years later…I Still am. My father left me, my sister, and my mother just so he could run off to live in Oklahoma with his hooker girlfriend. I believed everything was my fault. That nothing would ever get better. That nothing mattered. I was six. I was so depressed.Everyone thought that because I was so young that I wouldn’t be able to understand what was happening. But I did. They didn’t think that […]
Sometimes I wish I was normal but that’s never going to happen. Life is supposed to get better but I doubt that. All I feel is numbness and it’s better than the pain I felt before. The only thing stopping me from going through with suicide is my best friends wouldn’t be able to handle my death well. My mom stopped caring about me a long time ago but my dad would go crazy without me with him. I refuse to live for myself, I only live for them, although I don’t care about myself, I care too much about others to put them through […]
I’ve been suicidal since 7. No one knew but me. I tried to choke myself , or I’d tried to freeze to death. Nothing took me out but exhaustion. Too tired to finish. Some who know me are glad I’m still here. I’m not in a way, but it’s so complex to help anyone understand.
I had therapy since 11 or 12 till now. each one different and 2 fresh minds listened. I had doctors for pans unexplained. A few were answered the rest I had to just accept. They come and go.
All throughout those times death came across my mind. Across my eyes. I […]
That feeling of nothing where I move from place to place not smiling or laughing, not caring or caring.
Some would call this being present. Present and detached. All the demands made on me are met with silence. Even my own needs are met with silence.
Though I feel like crying I’m just to lacking in anything to do so. If tears fall let them for they will not affect me.
I’ve always been able to relate to some other in some small way, but very very few the other way around. And it’s ok now because it no longer affects me.
Like a favourite movie, […]
There’s no way to even really describe this. My god, all I wanted was to convey the terrifying EXPLOSIVE power of what happens within me, but I’ve no idea how.
I get angry. Or rather, perhaps I’m always angry, it just get buried nice and deep until I’m numb numb numb numb numb numb
And then everything starts combusting within me. And all I want is to SCREAAAAAAAAM. But I never do. I never do. It’s always just an internal internal scream of despair or anger or sadness or loneliness or DISGUST. Oh yes, a word I know well. Absolute, vile, putrid, festering, poisonous DISGUST. At people, […]
Two days into summer and its already starting
This horrible depressing feeling of nothing.
A head throbs, The mind races
With the steady thum of a thousand incoherent thoughts
And I can do nothing but watch.
watch as it drags me deeper and deeper
And I’ll fall into my own mental stupor
Numbness to block out the pain
Of myself and my thoughts
And I can do nothing but watch.
Days will mean torture and nights will be endless
And still no one will see this
I’m falling apart.
It’s no cry, I’ll be free of my thoughts!
Yet I know they’re only digging deeper into my mind
And I […]
alcohol and pills.
it seems too easy.
i don’t want to die.
but it’s too easy.
to just slip.
and after a few sips.
everything is gone.
and then it will be over.
and i won’t have to worry anymore.
and the numbness will be gone.