sOO my life has gotten extremely glamorous. deferred from college on medical absence to deal with my depression. omg im so effing cool. but really, last thing my rapist said to me was i hope you kill yourself or one of your eating disorders kill you. YAY. i swear, i sound like such a trip. it’s just exasperating that i have so much baggage and i’m so young. i want to be young and free and live my prime and instead i’m back at home trying to recover from my PTSD while all my other issues reman unresolved. honestly, i dont even give a flying […]
Tag:
Ocd
Just posting this if anyone decides to care: If there are any caring people left in this world.
For two years i’ve been taking Zoloft for my OCD and depression. January I was put on Lamictal for bipolar disorder. I hate it I just end up throwing up the medicine and the food in my stomach. Some therapists say this is a good thing but for a while my emotions have been fading. All I am able to do is be sad, I used to have very bad anger problems. Lately I cant even stick up for myself I finally decided to drop the medicine. I want my emotions back. With my anger […]
No! I am not a lycanthrope!
Now that that is out of the way…
Here is an example of the source of all my problems, as well as the source of happiness in my life. You’ll probably be confused by that statement, but if you lived with it for a while, you’d understand.
So today I went out back to water my rows of tobacco plants. I did that methodically, one at a time, from left to right. I checked on the progress of my seedlings, watered those, then I took a walk around the yard and inspected the other individual plants growing there; I looked at the […]
I wish I had killed myself when I was 16. It’s been 20 years of regret. Diagnosed with clinical depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder, PMDD, traits of OCD, and a horrible eating disorder which has ruined my life. At age 36, I’m living a life I never wanted. I thought I’d be married by now, own property, and enjoy a prosperous career. None of which has happened. I made a horrible career choice by becoming a teacher, and have hated myself for it for the past 11years. I fake it at work. Put on that professional face. The truth is, I hate every aspect of […]
I’m a christian. I love God with all my being, but i always wonder to myself why I’m here. My life is a miserable wreck. I’m fat and ugly. I’m not “popular”. I have almost no friends. My family is way messed up. My Dad doesn’t give a crap about me and my step mom is a snobby psycho. My sister is moved in with us for reasons I have no right to explain. My sisters daughter is everything I’m not and makes me feel jealous everyday, my little brother is a major douche bag and is probably going to end up caught […]
I felt numb yesterday. Now, I feel shitty, tired, and more useless than ever. I’m going to join the army, get shot or blown up and then that’s it. How will I get through high school though…Â
Sadness creeps into me, cold chills and sweat cover my body. I feel lonely, Jasmine. I love her so much, I don’t want to live without her. People said I have the symptoms of OCD. Possibly, but still, these feelings are as real as a blade cutting into me. (I ain’t a cutter)Â
 I wish she would tell me she wants to take back breaking up with me. She said […]
This was supposed to be my official last day posting here.
Mainly because I’ve a lot of trabveling to do before my demise.
But heck I’ll probably still try to help out a little up until the day I go just not as frequently.
I know i’ll be dead within three months as I’ve procured my methods, already quit my job, and already put all the legal things in place.
It may be next week or it may be in August. But there is no turning back now.
My compassion … ah you know how it is.
Anyway… gouki99x@gmail.com if anyone wants to vent , insult me, or just talk.
I can […]
And if you could talk to me, Tell me if it’s so, That all the good girls go to heaven, Well, Heaven knows….
by Nat....
written by Nat....
I’ve had enough. I want to do it, sooner rather than later. I woke up today and started crying at the thought of school and OCD and life, I kinda get the feeling that I won’t be waiting for my ‘date’.
What i don’t really understand is that when you tell someone you’re suicidal, they nearly always say ‘Don’t do it, I don’t want you to’ To some people this doesn’t matter because we are so far along in our state of depression that it goes in one ear and out the other, We don’t understand what we are doing to people. It’s like some form […]
To begin, I am fairly misanthropic and disenfranchised due to humanity’s impact on nature and the wildlife that inhabit (or did inhabit in many cases) this once beautiful planet, Â how society is in general, whether it be the intolerance and hate that monotheistic religions have spread for generations (as well as how religious teachings dominate our political and legal systems despite all of the blatant problems that arise from it), the general lack of concern for our irreversible impacts, our horrible justice systems, our spiraling out of control dependency on technology, etc, etc…. but I also share the German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer’s views on misanthropy […]
Here I am. In bed. Listening to music. Hoping I get some thought I can keep going on with that hopefully doesn’t involve incest, joining the Army, or anything else that may cause an argument. I just don’t need to argue, I’m ignorant. I just don’t feel that it’s worth it.
I feel bad that my cousin is using me as a role model and I’m in love with her, yet she allows me to remind her constantly and she seems willing to do as I please. I understand I shouldn’t take advantage. I’m merely dwelling on it, no need to talk about that.
I […]
I can’t stop adjusting and adjusting my glasses, they never feel comfortable i never feel satisfied
i realize this is probably all in my head, any advice to how i can stop worrying about them
i wanna become an actor/ err maybe an astronaut/ psychologist….eventually when i get better
I have ADD, severe social anxiety issues, i’m scared of people I’m a high school dipout due to loosing friends/paranoia (i have one close friend)from depression due to selective mutism, Im paranoid, some OCD, I’ve had a past some mild sexual abuse…I’m a loner, use to be suicidal, use to think of it everyday but now im better.(i’ve attempted it),I might have avdp, and maybe social ptsd I can be really sensitive but I always bounce back. I’m a mad genius, usually a step or two ahead. I am kind of random, […]
Tonight is too much for me, To get through, Tomorrow’s just a darkened hall, To an empty room, When I’m far away from you….
by Nat....
written by Nat....
Im so depressed. This week has been shit. And the worst part was it was all little things that have made me think about how good that shiny piece of sharp metal would look in my wrist.
1. School stuff- things about a crappy tattoo portfolio and being called wierd and having something taken away from me? which is quite confusing.
2. Maths exam- ah…exams. doesn’t everyone love them? espicially those with OCD who are terrified to write in pen and hate the thought of people staring at her because her seat was quite near the front.
3. i not long ago dropped my iPod touch in the […]
I just feel I’m not worthy of living.
People who live should want to live. They should be happy and should want to accomplish things.
Ive posted about my lists before, that was not really a success. (understatement)
Since Im very chaotic, sigh, I lost my original lists. Which lead to a panic attack caus I cant stand losing things. So I made new ones. And it bothers me really much that I dont know what exactly was on the original lists.. but anyway I’ll just add the things I forgot now later.
I thought I could maybe share the lists this time.
Reasons to die:
I am selfish;
I am ugly. […]
I can try to get by, But every time I start to panic, I’m a little bit shy, A bit strange and a little bit manic….
by Nat....
written by Nat....
I want to do it.
On monday, im planning again…. Apart from this time i haven’t made the mistake of telling ‘Everyone’. So my intention is to travel to a bridge…and you can probably guess the rest….
Life has not gotten better, its gotten worse? My OCD has. Fear of things are coming back…and my hands can tell you that, they don’t appreciate soap as much as i thought they would….
My family know ‘Everything’…at least thats what they think, they’re some things i havent told anyone….and probably never will….It has just made life awkward, and the arguements don’t stop, either about me or about my dad.
My new […]
I saw your ghost tonight I know it felt so real Your eyes they write on mine The music starts to heal….
by Nat....
written by Nat....
Just got off of the phone to my dad, he thinks that I was just being lazy in my exam, and OCD is not an excuse for the fact that I only wrote three paragraphs….. I love him so much but he’s not very supportive…. I really want him to understand how hard it is….
I can’t help but think that I should have done it when I had the chance. I was on a field trip to Italy, and when we were shopping in sorrento, I noticed a metal fence blocking off a really low down bendy road, it was quite a long way down. […]
Here i am, 2 and a half months after i fell back into a deep depression. I am young, tired and now ready to pass on to the certain nothingness. I am to talk with the love of my life in a few hours. The very last time I believe I will hear her pulchritudinous voice… I am a young male with OCD, It had lead to a deep depression several years prior. How you may ask, one word, certainty. I am absolutely absessed with certainty, while nothing in life is certain except death. I can only feel comfort when i am certain, my 2 year relationship […]
I’ve been struggling with Major Depressive Disorder, anxiety and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder for about 3 years. I was hospitalized two years ago for obsessive thoughts, major depression and anxiety. I had homicidal and suicidal ideations for a long time. I hated school. Hated all those pricks in it. Along with the faculty and the injustice of the school. I researched the history of school shootings, and Columbine interested me the most. I could relate so much to Harris & Klebold. Their thoughts, plans and everything. I got to thinking: “Well I hate school. I hate the injustice of the school, my classmates and everything.” I was […]
when is it okay to die?
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