every time I felt hopeless and just generally dejected I would cut myself and feel the pain and feel so much better! right now I cut myself deeper and longer(length of the cut) but still feel like crap! what the hell is wrong with me?
Tag:
pain
I can’t help but hurt people and isolate myself from them. There aren’t enough people who understand what I’m going through in my life. Just one really and she’s alienated from me too. I’m alienated from just about everyone emotionally at this point. I had a really positive and engaging relationship with someone but when my depression came out, she couldn’t understand and moved on. I tore into her because of it and that makes me feel guilty. And it hurt so fucking bad when it was done.
I know there’s a lot of people who have it worse than I do. Today I was […]
The thing that make me doubt the most about killing myself… it’s that I fear I would not really get this relief feeling that I’m searching for. You know, you’re in pain, and you just don’t want to feel it anymore… but I think that when you’re dead, you don’t even realize that the pain is gone, ’cause you know, you’re not alive to feel it. If I could be guaranteed that there is something after death. That there’s another world where you can enjoy not to be alive anymore… i would be gone for a while now.
the frost of frozen thoughts do stay
where hidden creatures tend to lay
among the canyons of my brain
where ice has festered in my veins
this vacancy begins to curl
and thoughts begin to twist and swirl
where heat and fire once had burned
but nothing ever lasts I’ve learned
how could you be lost again?
I wonder just how long its been
I bet youre fleeing, running fast
and making sure its me you pass
my hearts a bowl of pain and glass
where emptiness has now amassed
carved hollow from the thought of you
but you never even had a clue
shes […]
Yesterday afternoon I cutted myself, not a special thing, and afterwards I wrote this poem, which really describes my cutting. Hope you like it 🙂
That moment,
when the blood flows down your arm,
and you hear the blood drops drip.
That relaxing sound,
and the beautiful color of blood,
the relief you get.
The warmth of the cut,
and the stinging feeling of the blade,
but no hurt,
no pain.
You feel numb and relieved,
like you’re in a trance.
The blood still flows down your arm,
and your arm is covered in blood.
The blood drops drip a little faster,
drip…drip…drip…
Your body […]
I’ve been around for a while – like more than half a century. My health is lousy, to a point it’s my fault but the reality is that I hate my life so much that there are subconscious self-destructive dynamics at work I cannot change. It is very much like having a slow-motion dream where you have 4 arms and 4 hands; 2 are tied behind your back and the the other two are slowly pulling the pin out of a grenade with the intent to shove it in your mouth and you are powerless to stop it.
People feed self-hatred by using someone or carelessly/intentionally […]
I was assigned a short writing piece to describe an event in my life that made me who I am today. This story is true, and while it ends on a hopeful note, this doesn’t mean that I still don’t have apathetic feelings, it’s just that now I have a way of dealing with them. I found this site as I was typing in questions into google, hoping beyond hope that I’d find something worthwhile. I did. An online community of people that are all struggling. I hope you enjoy this and forget your troubles if for just a short while.
I’ve found that life […]
My name is Jordan and I am 18, I have had really bad depression for sometime now and it has only gotten worse. I cannot be happy or smile about anything now. Games and music are all that seems to take my problems away but the depression gets worse. All I want to do it die and end my horrible life. The main reason I have depression is because whenever something good happens to me it doesn’t last long and it leave me devastated. i can’t get a job or a girlfriend and all I seem to do it piss people off, No one is […]
This is my story or just a part of it.
I hope you can understand me because my english is too bad,but I need to talk (in a strange way) about it.
I want to die since I have ten years,and I’m nineteen.
Nine years spending my days thinking about my suicide, thinking why I’m still here,wondering why is so difficult for me to die when is too easy for people who,actually, don’t want to die.
self-harming, anorexia, bulimia, pills;also I tried to have an “accident” crossing the street.
And I’m still here,hating me.
My scars are going away, but the pain is here,inside.
I went to […]
Just a poem I’ve written today which is I think pretty recognizable for people who cut. It’s the way I feel about it.
The first time,
it feels so innocent.
Just a small scratch.
But after a while,
you know that first cut wasn’t that innocent.
It was the beginning of an addiction,
that’s hard to beat.
And addiction that’s getting worse and worse.
There’s nothing left of that first little scratch.
The cuts you make now are much worse.
While you’re cutting,
you can see the skin tearing apart.
You can feel the stinging pain,
of your knife that’s cutting in your skin.
You […]
I’m young. People don’t generally understand how a young person with so much life left ahead of them could be depressed. Some say it’s just puberty, some say it’s hormones. I know what both of those feel like, and they are nothing compared to the grasp depression can have on you. It takes hold of you, and no matter how hard you try to fight it so you can breathe again, it leaves you empty and without energy. I come from a good family. Parents are together, no one close to me has been taken away. And still… it is so hard to be happy. […]
Now, you may think I’m just that teenager, who goes bitching about their Mother and has tantrums about who gets the remote.
This isn’t the case.
Throughout my life, I have had a fairly descent childhood, I’m not raped, I’m not assaulted. It’s more of a psychological thing. From the age 0-7 every thing was fine and dandy. Both my Mother and my Father had a healthy relationship, two sweet little girls and a bouncy boy (me). Then it all went wrong. My Mum decided my oldest sister was responsible enough to look after us, cook for us and care for us; being 13 at the time. […]
I have been dead for years now and am ready to check out now…its time…I dont want to go into details of my life…all I can say is emotional and physical pain has worn me out…I do not want to be here anymore..I cant…I have tried to survive but I am drowning…sadly there is no one out there for me…no one…everyone I cared about…every one I thought cared for me is now gone…the people(person really) left in my life do not encourage suicide but left me emotionally long ago so I do not have a support system…not that I ever did…my physician have given up […]
Im so done with life and all the nothingness shit it has to offer.So im out on thursday.I dont really agree or disagree with suicide.Im a little scared but i figure fear is a natural part of death.If i wasnt scared i wouldnt be human.
I got test results for my heart that landed me in the er weekend of my birthday.Guess what they found?Nothing! normally i wouldnt be bothered by this but im in pain a lot and im a bit tired of this.doctors trying to make me out to be some type of liar or crazy ass *****.fuck them all.ill self medicate and […]
so i cut my first time yesterday night while listening to werewolves by cocorosie. i can handle havin all the effects tht comes wit chrons. ive adapted to tht, i never had to resolve to cuttin. it was my mom tht pushed me over. who would of thought, the person whos suppose to love u the most, based simply on the act tht u shared a body for 9 months. it was her, the mom whos not a mom. the one who said i had an attitude, tht i only think, only care about myself. tht im selfish and worthless, all i see is me. […]
It’s been a tough few months for me lately.
Some days i hide it well, others, not so much.
Some days I am sat on my own in my bedroom and I feel so low I have no idea where to go or what to do.
I consider whether my next breath is worth taking dozens of times a day.
Some nights i go to sleep and admit to myself that not waking up; well it wouldn’t be so bad.
Sometimes i will try to talk family or friends but they are always seeming so happy that I don’t want to spoil their day so I […]
I know I want to do it. I’m 22 , graduating college- everything seems ok. But I recently lost two jobs. I have battled with depression for years, and some of the horrible things that happened to me in my past are starting to show up in my head. I cant make freinds and I literaly sit at home and cry all day. I am in so much pain. I understand completley that killing myself is the only answer. But how do I get the courage to do it ? Part of me is scared of the consequence I guess. […]
I don’t know. I battle this little thing in my head that tells me to stop eating. “Stop eating! Your thighs are getting bigger, your appearance is getting uglier. Stop!” But I don’t listen. I eat away. No, I don’t throw it up, I don’t take laxatives. Nothing. I’m afraid that someday, that voice will win. I want to to stop. I’m craving the taste of hunger pains. It’s an urge inside of me. Why am I like this? I know I will accomplish not eating. I know it. But when?
Has anyone ever kept years worth of emotion bottled up to the point where you’re afraid to release it anymore? to the point that you feel every ounce of rage you can muster suddenly flare whenever the slightest thing irritates you?
This is my third post. It’s been a couple weeks since my last and I’ve gotten a bit better; my first two posts would’ve persuaded any psychiatrist I was ready and willing to commit suicide. I’ve gotten better. Things have started looking up a bit. But that pain still lingers. And with it, an anger I can’t even begin to describe. All my life I’ve […]
I don’t think anyone knows the battle you have with your own mind. Day in and day out. Then the people who set you off yell at you and blame you as if it not their fault. Frankly if you set anyone off and blame them they will get mad. So why blame it on the person who is already upset with daily living.
Frankly one day i will have enough courage to kill myself. The thought of leaving the world and the pain and suffering actually makes me more excited for death to come. To think that i will not be in pain […]