It’s times like this when my issues bubble and cause so much havoc and yet I can’t say anything about it.
The company I work for does this volunteer thing where we go to schools and promote stuff to kids. I like the concept of it and truly wish I could properly do it without being anxious, paranoid nor get numb, but I don’t have the power to do that.
Can I explain that I’m not fit for what I signed up for… Sigh…
its the only thing that keeps me going, I feel constantly paranoid that the people who are here for me now will lose interest in me
I want to make them love me as much as I do them how can I change myself for them
Four years have passed since I last logged on here. I am still around and I wonder if Trent and jmvsic are around as well.
When I was last on, I was disconsolately picking up pieces of my heart that had been roundly drop kicked by my ex. My self-loathing was at an all time high. I had failed at relationships. And then I was failing at getting over that failure.
Life had become a monotonous track in my head around such familiar territories as: “WhyDoIStillLoveYousville” and “IAmTheWorst Town”.
Exactly two months after that I formed a reluctant crush on an a friend of a friend. One that […]
Today was… An Okay Day.
That’s a little better. It’s better than what I’ve been feeling for the past 3 weeks.
I have less anger, less rage, less pain, less everything I’ve been feeling lately.
I feel safe for the first time in months. I’m less paranoid. Took a walk on my own with no fear. No need to constantly look over my shoulder and scrutinize every single person walking behind me. I felt free.
I smiled a genuine smile. I could feel it. It wasn’t forced or fake like the ones I’ve been giving. It was a real smile.
I don’t know what’s happening, […]
I understand that many people have it worse, but I feel hopeless. I’m young, too young for my experiences, but on the cusp of adulthood. I’m supposed to be planning for my future, but all I can plan for is a way to make it through the day.
My mother is bipolar, my father is dead, my sister is severely OCD, my half-sister is a manic-depressive bipolar manic paranoid hallucinogenic schizophrenic alcoholic with severe and violent anger problems. Her two children, as well as all the others listed, live in the same household as me.
Of course with all of these illnesses in bound to have some […]
Hi I’m a 14 year old girl who suffers with anxiety, however I have yet to be diagnosed. I diagnosed myself because it’s really not that hard to know you have it when all you do is worry or have panic attacks. I would love to speak to my doctor but my mum just doesn’t understand anything about anxiety or depression so that’s why I keep it all in. The one thing that gets me worried is arguments with friends, I start to get paranoid that the other friends I have don’t like me either so I push them away until I have no one to […]
where to begin?? well it started 7 years ago when I just left foster care. my life was great I was in high school at the time and I was looking at a bright future. but it went down hill because my feeling of loneliness was getting to me . I felt like I had nobody. my best friend at the time was gone from my life and everyone I thought were friends just shitted on me. I felt ignored. as a teenager dealing with depression and having to develop psychotic depression really really can screw with your mind. my first thought of suicide was […]
I don’t know why I go on anymore, it’d be easiest to give it a fucking rest and be the recluse I’m meant to be. I just drag myself through this hell again and again. I have nobody else to blame but myself for the way I feel. I just wish sometimes I wasn’t so alone, but the thing is that it’s my fault and there’s no good excuse for it. Most days I can force the smile on my face to be real enough that even I believe it, for a time at least. The thing is that no matter how long I smile […]
I was living a fairly happy life. Had been depressed for more than a year, but i recovered from it. Bought a house found a wonderfull girlfriend, en been living together with her and two beautiful cats. One happy family right? Well, 2 weeks ago i messed everything up by sleeping with some girl who seduced me into having sex with her without a condom because she was “tested and safe”. Turns out she wasnt tested for herpes, which resulted in me having it too now. The thing about genital herpes is that it never goes Away. The virus slumbers sometimes but i will have […]
It feels like nothings really changed. Get hyped over things that peak my interest express nothing towards everything else. It gets easier to talk about my problems or health issues and to have analytical jam sessions with doctors, determining what kind of mental issue ive got. Im so open to the not so pretty and just addressing the existence of things like depression or anger-fueled violence that it deters others from really talking to me….but as the time goes by its bothering me less and less. I care less and less. Its kinda good but at times i worry if that mentality will manifest into […]
Why is that I feel so scared and so paranoid now that he’s cheated on me twice. I feel as if I were back in when I had a abusive relationship but different. Why is that I feel that way? Is there something wrong with me? I mean I could just trust him again. But I’m scared to do that. Like what if he does it again. What if my friends are right? What if I am just letting him get away with it? Help me please I dont know what to do or feel . I should let it go shouldn’t I ?
Hi, I don’t really know what to say, I feel like I’m going insane and more suicidal every day, No one to talk to, No one to lean on for help… It is now summer after finishing my exams which went horrible. My parents said if I failed them I would have my phone taken from me. I tried my best I really did, During the exams I tried my best but felt so anxious and paranoid during sitting the exams and when I went out for a break for lunch I would feel much happier, no one staring at me no more twitching due […]
I really don’t know who to talk to about this or where to go but lately especially my life has been so disastrous?? I’ve felt soooo isolated lately. More so than usual. I have no friends to rely on. No boyfriend. My mom hates me and I can’t stand her, and the only family who I am close to live overseas and I’m unable to get in touch with them. The fact that I have social anxiety puts a strain on everything so much more. I’m so so so terrified to get a job, but I need to get out of this house, I can’t live […]
So, apparently there is this earthquake that is supposed to take place in California on May 28th and I hope it happens so I can finally die in my sleep. I’m tired of this life, and I’m tired of waking up in the mornings knowing I have to start another miserable day of this life of mine. I’ve posted here in the past several times but as the days go on my depression gets worse and my thoughts get deeper. I honestly can’t take it anymore, I’m tired of being so lonely and only being remembered when people need something from me. I have no […]
I’ve been dealing with depression for most of my life. Add to that a schizoaffective diagnosis and life becomes wonderful. I’m struggling. I’m on the verge of becoming a shut-in because I’m paranoid and feel people are after me. I’m not a bad person but this illness brings out my paranoia and it’s ruling me.
I don’t know how to go on like this. I’m on meds and getting “help” but its not enough. I feel like there’s no point to life & it’s hopeless. Who wants to live like this? Certainly not me. The issue is, some would say its good; too chicken to suicide. […]
This is a fairly long rant so I apologize ahead of time.
I read up on something called emotional abuse today. Apparently I myself am being abused. To put things into context I’m in 9th grade and I live with my father. I had thought abuse was when a parent raped you or beat you up everyday. Multiple sources said it isn’t always physical. My father’s been abusive for as long as i can remember; the earliest dating back to when I was maybe two and he nearly pushed me down a flight of stairs. I always thought his temper was normal, that this was just […]
I’m so fuckin sick of people telling me I havent fucking tried. So fuckin sick of people saying I don’t put my “all” into it! So fucking INCREDIBLY sick of hearing, “you have to want it.” Oh, let me get this straight. You actually think I like to live every fucking moment in misery and agony? You actually think that I love to walk the streets and feel like I fucking disgust every person and that I’m a disgrace in their eyes? I mean as if it matters right? No, they don’t fucking matter but do you know how it feels to be paranoid into […]
Im so tired, sometimes i feel so tired. I work everyday with some new shit. I deal with collegework piling up, and at work where people belittle me. i feel so alone, never even knowing what it is like to be with someone i love, i offer mine, but it seems meaningless. i get so jealous it hurts, never a light at the end of the tunnel. Then i get paranoid as if everyone is looking at me. so it puts me further into myself.. I cant tell anyone how i feel because i feel like a selfish asshole and my problems are insignificant. I […]
I always play out something in my head like for example, if I imagine myself going to my room to put curtains up I imagine seeing a face in the window… But I never see them just imagine them and it’s always the same monster just different at times.. It’s always a white face or mask with black hole for eyes or just souless pitch black eyes or something on the stair case… Someone touching my feet when I’m a sleep or when laying in bed i imagine seeing a shadow crawling around on the floor.. I get sculed at for leaving the lights on […]
Hey there, so I’m going to start off with me introducing myself. Hi, I’m Jaja, a really depressed fangirling potato (don’t judge). I’m asian but not really good in math.
So let’s start my story, I was really a happy girl but then cupid shot me, accidentally, and I fell in love with this guy. This guy was my former classmate at summer sports school, and since he’s like 2 years older than me, I figured that I could be closer to him if I ask him to tutor me on Facebook because I hate the outside world, where all sociable humans are, disgusting, anyways, so […]
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