It’s really hard to explain this to your parents, but imagine what would they feel about growing old when I leave them at the most challenging part of their lives. Perhaps they knew this when I was born (?). Seems like everything is obvious, yet not much that can be done. Things are so bad. What a life, I’m amazed I got dealt these cards.
Tag:
part
I should be working on the first part of my huge Payroll Accounting project; I’m working on my will, instead. I should be listening to music and immersed in the challenge of putting the numbers together and getting them to make sense; I’m sitting in silence and thinking about taking a nap so I don’t have to feel for a little bit. I should be be functional, happy, and loved; I’m broken, miserable, and unwanted. Horrible timing, really, it was on figuring out that, for me, love is unconditional. It’s not “I’ll only love you if…”, it’s just “I love you.” […]
This world we live in is a screwed up place ladies and gentlemen. This is even apparent in Junior High. You have the popular crowd who think they are better than everyone else. You have the jocks, who believe they can be assholes to everyone, even calling a girl a whore openly. Then you have the outcasts like me. We don’t fit in anywhere. We just take up space. That’s the hardest part about joining a new school. Unless the “cool” kids accept you when you join, making friends will be the hardest part of being there.
SHE. That’s how I refer to her when I talk to you. Because it hurts to see you happy with someone else. I see pictures of the two of you and it Kills me. I want nothing more than to be yours again.. and then I remember how you treated me. Every time you made me feel worthless and unwanted. Every time you spat my name as though it were some foul substance that your body was rejecting. I was never a part of ‘us’ because you were with me out of pity. So Why do I still speak to you? I think part of […]
Opiate withdrawals can go fuck off! I beat you again heroin, you cruel *****. I’m not letting you back in my life! I’m taking back control, for good.
One thing happened. This one thing was so similar to what had happened in the past. It was horrible, shameful, embarrassing, and suddenly I felt as helpless as I has two years ago when I almost killed myself.
Two years ago after confessing to my mother that I wanted to die, I began seeing a therapist, got medicated, and slowly began to feel better. I have had two great years. I slowly distanced myself from the things that made me feel suicidal or just things I associated with bad feelings. I kept many of my relationships, but distanced the ones that had hurt me in the […]
For starters, this is not one of those “talk me out of it” cries for help. This is a decision almost a year in the making. I do not suffer from depression, I have not made this decision lightly and I have done so sober and only during daylight to avoid any emotional bias.
I did my dry run this past weekend, my equipment is all setup and I felt 0 panic so this is happening.
Now for why: I am a pedophile. I am not however a child molester. The man that made me when I was 11, over two decades ago was however. I wonder […]
My treacherous mind lives in the hope of a new world while outside I become an insensitive monster.
The part of me that still feels shout in agony locked in a world full of bullshit waiting for the moment when we both get free. The moment of my death.
there comes a time when the people around you, are like, “enough already”… they may not say it to your face but you can tell that part of them wishes you would just go away.
that time has come and gone for me. its been 5 years.
and now, here i am- living alone again- waking up everyday to the harsh reality that it is my real life that is the nightmare, while tidbits of sleep offer my only sense of relief
it is beyond reason to struggle to survive just to live a nightmare- there is no point in that, no quality to life
if i could just sleep- […]
Should I take a nap? I am a little stressed/depressed. Not sure which one came first. I feel angry that the world is the way it is and I am the way I am. People get all of these diseases through genetics and it just isn’t fair that you made us this way. You give us purpose to solve these medical problems, but would it not have been easier on us to just enjoy your world and each other. Thank you for allowing me to cry. I felt somewhat better for a few minutes, but I still feel the same level of stress. It’s still […]
Last week I went on vacation with my siblings, and there were some fun parts definitely. But overall it just made me realize once again how high the tensions between me and the rest of my family are. My brother thinks I’m weird and (possibly) a freak, but he usually doesn’t show it intentionally. My one sister tries to be as nice as possible towards me, cause she is a kind soul. My other sister was annoyed the whole trip for some reason, and when she’s like that she usually lets her anger out on other people, i.e. me. It’s basically just because she’s mad, […]
I’ll take you back to a place unseen,
Back when I was just wee lil teen,
I know this might seem hard to believe in,
But there’s a side of me ya all ain’t seein’,
Dads never home, nether is my mother
never sees nether ever since they split
growing up in a world so alone and so fragile
Way too many friends, only talked to a few of them,
The rest don’t even want anything to him,
He found a girl when he was just fourteen,
who would have thought it be all a bad dream,
Was going good dating for a solid two […]
It seems to me that more individuals should take part in the smoking of weed, chill the fuck out and try not to take this life too seriously!!! We are all gonna die sometime, like it or not!!!
I’ve done bad things. I mean really, seriously bad. Not the ‘everybody makes mistakes’ sort, but the kind you don’t get forgiven for. It’s been a while since I was at my worst, but if I’m honest I haven’t really changed. In the right circumstances, I would do it again. That part of me is still there, and although rationally I know that giving in to it won’t make me happy, if I get desperate enough all bets are off.
Of course there’s always a price. I don’t think I can ever be myself again, with anyone. I can’t reveal who or what I really am, […]
I just came back from another meeting with my software team and it was terrible. The guy who is doing least (actually close to nothing at all) apparently went to see the supervisor yesterday and told him I was verbally abusing him. I mean what the actual fuck!? And he quoted a message from me on whatsapp which google translated like this: “[name], why are you doing virtually nothing? Do you think it is okay, that you pass the course only because of us?” That’s what I said. After a dozen friendly messages that reminded him to care for the 10 deadlines he didn’t mind. […]
Let me tell you about a pathetic loser
Who is on their way out
Cause life’s gone and shown them what its all about
It isn’t happiness and it isn’t smiles
Its misery and choking on bile
But don’t cry, don’t have fear
Cause when this losers end is near
They won’t cry, they’ll laugh
Cause an ends better than half
A life, suffocating underneath
The weight of the thief
Who stole their happiness
And replaced it with this crappiness
And the worst part?
It was like this from the start
Cause the thief’s name was the loser
And the loser was just a forgotten cur
Who could have moved forward with life
But instead drowned in their own strife
And wasted time writing […]
i never knew my father, (my mother told him i wasnt his….i learned this thru my uncle at 13) my mother had a Phd in apathy, with a minor in witholding…..it wasnt really her fault though, she was 16, i was a mistake, and treated thusly…. she only carried to term in part to spite her mother, which she freely admitted, and since the moment of my conception, untill i left 4 days after turning 15, i was the blight of her existence, a heavy burden she had to bear, a punishment, if you will, for her spitefulnes….i’m making this sound so heartbreaking, and dramatic…it […]
You did say that if my right hand caused me to sin, then I should cut it off than to have my whole body thrown in hell. But the thing is, I never said I want to be a part of any of your divine agenda–I never agreed to be born, and to put someone in this nightmare they cant wake up from, is an act of pure evil.
You caused me great pain from the day that I was born, and all I am worth is hell. WHat other unthinkable ways of torture have you thought of throwing at me in the future and in my life […]
I know it’s not entirely natural but is suicide somewhere near natural selection? It’s all about weeding out the weak and those that either have no more use to the environment or aren’t able to survive anyway. Not all people committing suicide fit this category but I do.
I thought about this today – when I get the courage to end myself, I’ll take my genes with me right? So no chance to reproduce (not that I ever would have the chance up any way) but in a way that’s just evolution doing its work. My weak and pathetic physical genes will be lost, my […]
So there was this guy. I can’t stop thinking about him. He’s been on my mind for almost a year. He isn’t just any guy though. He’s an adult. He was there for me when I needed him. He’s my ex best friends step dad. She told him what was going on with me. He stayed up talking to me and he got me drunk.. I know it was wrong. I know I shouldn’t have drank. Things got awkward and semi sexual. I admit that that was wrong as well. But a part of me liked it. A part of me felt important. A part […]