Today I skimmed and read and skimmed and read hundreds upon hundreds upon hundreds of texts that my ex and I sent over the last year. They’re just there. In my phone. So much love. So much communication.
I know I need to delete it. I know I need to move on. What is wrong with me???
My favorite chapter in Harry Potter The Deathly Hallows is The Wandmaker. I haven’t heard many people that say that’s their favorite chapter, but in my opinion, out of all the books, it’s the most well-written. Harry is faced with a choice and he’s finally coming to terms with it. He is battling against himself, fighting the unknown and doing exactly what he needs to do to get things done even if he doesn’t want to do it. He is in pain. The sense of loss he is feeling is paramount. Be he is the only one that can help the situation. I could read […]
Reading everything you have to say does make me want to stay. It’s my muse. I look forward to read your words. It’s what keeps me going right now. Is that pathetic?
You know who you are.
I’m waiting, and today I can’t seem to be patient. I need you, I need your words. I need to read. It’s been dark today. You are mt crutch tonight and I hate myself for letting myself think that way. I don’t need a crutch, what am I doing? I’ve sunk a little more today. It’s been at a constant rate for days.
My own thoughts.
Stop fucking sinking. God, you’re pathetic.
I am not a very religious person and I still am not close with my “spiritual side”, but I am going to try another time and turn to God to help me through whatever.
I am saying goodbye to you SP. I’m deleting my old posts and I’m going to burn my black book and anything else I used for “coping”. I simply don’t need them anymore.
I’ve tried in the past to read the bible and pray to God, but nothing came of it. I am going to try harder and build actual faith instead of pretending this time.
My advice to you all is just give […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Nope! You know exactly what this is read the title lets chat ***** XD
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
This website is comforting. When I come here I feel like I can say my most painful thoughts and nobody judges. Maybe nobody even cares, which is fine as well. I just like someone to read my words without any judgement.
I don’t even know if this website is healthy for me to come to. But when I feel like I’m about to explode, I come here and feel a little bit more calm.
Let me tell you something. I have no idea how to be good at life. No idea what so ever. I applaud people that are good at it.
I am feeling so damned depression, feel myself nearing the outskirts of stability. So sick of fucking living in my mind. Wish I could talk to people, and extract some joy out of it. Wish that I felt wanted, wish I had something to interact with socially, and I don’t want it. It’s all a fucking joke. It’s all my mind, my brain chemistry, my destiny maybe (?), I got no fucking clue what it is, perhaps it’s my ever dwindling and fluctuating self confidence. I have no ability to focus, all I do is mindlessly watch television. I look at sp, and the posts […]
I’ve just read iamtheblues’ post about coping with the loss of a dearly loved pet terrier. In one one the responses to another SP’ers comment, the oft used expression “Time heals all wounds” was mentioned.
You’re quite correct, iamtheblues, in saying that this awful platitude is a load of bull’s poo. It’s used when people don’t know what else to say when faced with a bereaved person. Some people should just stay silent!
What I’ve experienced myself (so I’m in no way implying this applies to everyone) is that time eventually makes the sense of loss less all-consuming and raw. Every now and then though something brings […]
Ruslana Korshunova, 20, leaped to her death from a lower Manhattan building in 2008.
Ruslana Korshunova was 20 when she plummeted from a building next door to her apartment in Manhattan’s financial district in 2008.
Interesting. In the picture below you can see her on the right. Look at the dress she’s wearing : the symbol on her dress. 
I read a lot of posts by people who seem to be in their early years (teens, 20’s) and it makes me feel sad that so many young people feel so hopeless. I understand though – I reached that point too when I was in college, and if not for a quick-thinking friend who grabbed my shirt I would have “fallen” out a 19th story dorm window. That was in 1983.
But once I was past college and on my own two feet I’ve lead an OK life, so I’m glad I didn’t kill myself back then. I got to experience life on my own terms. Sometimes I […]
If you read my “Axe Murderer” post earlier, you know I wrote some new music recently. Here it is.
http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Triggering.mp3
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Way different from the other two compositions I posted awhile back.
During one of my comments today, I described it like this:
It’s a bit darker and more chaotic than the kind of music I usually write.
It starts out like a dark smooth Gregorian Chant, and ends up sorta like an axe murderer is just realizing there are all sorts of pointy objects around.
It’s called “Triggering” because last week some issues triggered an especially dark pit of depression.
I haven’t really planned much I’d like to do in my final days or weeks. I see others like to treat themselves to an expensive meal, or visit somewhere special before they go. Me, I just don’t want to give my children’s father the chance to continue poisoning their minds against me for the rest of time. So maybe writing something for both of them to read when they’re older…. I don’t know. It all seems like so much effort. I’m beyond exhausted, every day is damage control. What about you? Have you thought of some things you’d like to do before it’s your time […]
I can’t f***ing believe it. The way I planned isn’t gonna work. I know I can’t talk about methods but suffice to say something went wrong that I did not realize could be an issue. Unfortunately I did not realize this until I already started trying. I’ll be fine, just in a small amount of pain for the next few days. I’ve done some pretty embarrassing things in my life but this is really up there, I can’t believe I couldn’t even managed to get this to work properly. I am feeling a strange mix of insane amusement (I was literally cracking up) and a […]
Sometimes I scroll through the project and read all the different titles, but never read any further, nor click on any links. Just now I saw consecutive headings saying ‘Rest in peace my dear friend’, ‘My Daughter’, ‘Should I do it tonight?’ and ‘Clarity’. Its funny how they all make a little timeline, a little story even though none of the posts are related. They all make me wonder just how similar and different all our problems are. I suppose it’s all just scale though, isn’t it? Two things could seem so different, but when compared to something that’s completely ‘out there’ the first two things would seem […]
I almost hate that my daughter loves me so damn much. She makes it so hard for me to leave this world. I’m sure many people read that as a positive thing, but really it’s torture. I often spend so much effort just trying not to resent her for it.
I’m not gonna reveal my name, but you can call me Justin. I’m 13 and I’ve been secretly depressed since I was 12. My life is good as a whole, I have loving parents, and a loving brother (and family), but I still don’t feel loved. They don’t know I’m suicidal, but they might suspect it. I’m not asking for sympathy, but I have been thinking about suicide ever since I entered this new Catholic school. I am 95% convinced that I’m bisexual, and I’ve told some of my friends. They support my sexuality, but I need someone. Someone to love. Someone to hug. My […]
That everything we have been told is a lie? Like a lot of people on here I often thought about suicide, but I thought I might at least do a lot of research on death before I really do it. I found out we might not be as free as we thought when we die. Even in death we might be trapped into keep coming back to earth to more pain and suffering. Take a look at this site http://humansarefree.com/2015/03/escape-their-trap-and-set-your-soul-free.html I have read about near death stories and they almost all involve […]
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