Hello. Lately I’ve been feeling low, but usually I’m worried about something. I have anxiety about a lot of things. What people think about me, my loneliness, my future, and of course the suicidal thoughts. I said in an earlier post that my grades were slipping, but usually I’m an A student. It hasn’t gotten that bad, but it isn’t getting any better. Pretty soon I’m going to have to send college apps and I don’t know how to explain that my depression, which no one knows about, has been ruining my chances into getting into my preferred college. Usually I have tiny panic attacks […]
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Sat
To whomever will listen,
2 years ago my mom passed away of an accidental overdose ever since then my life has been awful. Before my mom passed away it was crap, but it got worse. She past away when  i was in 7th grade it seems like yesterday. In 9th grade during a school break i was alone watching my neighbors house for her since she trusts me and she was away for the week. During the time she was gone my friend offered to get me fucked up i turned her down because i wasn’t ready to fuck up, but just a day later everything […]
Sat in the corner of my room with a blade, and counted all the things I doubt,
Probably not the best solution, just had to try it out.
Turns out it’s not the smartest idea, now with all the cuts down my arm,
Just goes to show how fucked up the world is, can you see its doing harm?
I’m the kid you shouldn’t worry about, I’m too destroyed to care,
But look at reality and open your eyes, life is cruel and unfair.
We can’t turn to anyone so the only way out is six feet down,
We’re dropping like flies, cause nobody listens […]
She sat in her small chair
while the pair of glasses
with the big desk
scribbled notes.
Not heart words,
though she tried to show him,
tried to take him with her
to her blue-green world.
All he could create
was black marking on a page.
Not her page,
her world.
So she simply decided
to stop speaking,
fearing he would scribble more
plastic words
trying to make sensible something
nameless
something that floated her away
in the night.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
As I sat there awakening from my dream-like state of fog that seems to be ever surrounding, whether it be sleep or the lack thereof, I realized that my morning ritual was left undone. So, I loaded bullet into the cylinder and give it a spin. Pulling back the hammer, I thought about the round I was using. It couldn’t be your standard run of the mill .44 mag round, for it could pass right through leaving me a vegetable. Potato or squash? Neither, because I was using a frag round, as to insure the job got done right. You see, the frag round breaks […]
I don’t have to much screwed up in my life but i still feel like i serve no purpose and every time i think about it i know that there’s gonna be someone whos happy that im gone. but every time i think this i remember my life a year ago. at that time i was on so much bullshit. I judged people on how they looked and i just walked around acting like i knew everything and just didn’t care and didn’t see and deep meaning in life and just treated it like something that was a joke. then the week of my birthday […]
Im 20 years old and I’ve had thoughts of suicide since i was 15 years old. I dont have a long drawn out sad story or history of abuse of any kind. I have a loving family & a boyfriend but i have never felt more alone. I often ask myself “How can you have so much but still feel like you have nothing ” . I have never figured out the answer. Im just so unhappy it almost scares me how many times I’ve actually sat in my bathroom , held pills , razors etc. and almost ended my life. Some part of me […]
I got home from school to see that no one was home. Tears were streaming don my face as I made my way to my bedroom. I sat on the edge of the bed  in deep thought. Why do I have to be so ugly? Fat..worthless..stupid? I feel so alone-my friends..suggested we stop hanging out. I’m not a lesbian by the way. I may be a tad bisexual but so what? I’m not fully gay. And to anyone who IS gay, don’t be ashamed. My brain was clouded with thoughts. I screamed out in frustration and practically tore apart my room. Stuff was strewn out […]
lat night , i broke down , and cried my eyes out , thinking of everything that’s been happening , and i grabbed my picture frame , and threw it against the wall , it broke , and i sat down by the glass , and stared balling my eyes out even more ,  i put my hands down and felt glass all around me , from the mirror i broke earlier ( i usually brake things to keep me from taking out out on myself , ) and so i sat there and started slamming my writs into the glass ,  and i stared bleeding , a […]
Today, I turned 18 years old.
On my 16th birthday, after crying myself to sleep, I vowed to never cry over my family again. Instead of focusing on all of the things that were destroying me, I focused on the diet I had started about 10 days prior. It took control of my entire life. By July I weighed less than 100 pounds, my bones stuck out, but I still wanted to be skinnier. I rarely ate, but when I did, I made sure to throw it up.
I started recovering last summer, June 2012. It went well for awhile, but once school started back […]
She woke up today feeling happy till she heard the screeching of her mothers voice. She had overslept. The kids were not ready for school and she did not have breakfast ready. She was so tired from the night before from having to meet two men.
She slowly got out of bed afraid of what her mother would do when she saw her. She raced quickly getting the small children up and on the bus. As they left she slipped the money onto the piano for her mother, knowing she was expecting it. She found it not quite fair that she had to sneak out of the house […]
I realize that I got ahead of myself in the last post, left out some key points…. left out reasons why. At this point I sat down in class, this stuff I have not shared….I had enough of being a freak show for one day. I go to school with about 100 students…. I am the youngest there…. only a baby…. only 18. I moved away from my family to go to school. I wanted to be happy, I was free of the shadows and pressures that suffocated me day after day. I wasn’t happy, I never was. I didn’t know anyone, so I didn’t […]
It’s true. I love Trevor. Ya know, when I was little, and I watched TV shows, I always saw the girls freaking out over the guys. They would always say, “I love the way he says my name…”. I thought they were crazy. But then I found something out. They’re not. I had an after school rehearsal today. I sat by Trevor. He said my name every time he talked to me. And I love the way he says it. Oh my gosh, he said, “Courtney, he’s talking about measure blah blah blah,” and I said, ” I think it’s measure blah blah blah”. A […]
I was bullied at school, wasn’t overly popular at college, only had a few ‘friends’ at Uni, got married but felt distanced at the wedding reception as though I didn’t fit in and now doing a masters degree to try and get a better job- and I don’t ‘fit’ anywhere.
I just feel so lonely all the time. I am a genuinely nice person, I want to help other people and be there for them.. but I guess it’s because i’m trying to feel that back and it never comes.
I have always felt like I have never belonged to this world, like […]
I had this dream the other night. I can tell about it because it was quite detailed and made at least a little sense while most of my dreams don’t. Though I can’t fully figure it out, but I can link it to my daily fears. It will take  some time to read, I tried to put it as close as I could.
The “action” took place in my home, that tiny apartment on the 5th floor that  my parents own.  I was home and they were at work as usual. Time around noon. I sat at our kitchen table watching some crap on my laptop. […]
I sat calmly next to my best friend, she wrote a long note, we talked, she cried, then was free. 12 Gauge Shot gun, duct taped barrel to bite down in her mouth on rifle pushed agianst the wall, back to side of the bed. I held her tight as she pulled the trigger. Next up…
I sat in the cafeteria at school this morning waiting for school to start, i was at a table all to myself and i kept looking at my phone, no one was texting me but i wanted to look like i had some friends you know..
After about 20 minutes a boy looks over at me his table is overflowing with his friends and asks “are you lonely? i think your lonely”
I laughed and said “no they’ll be here soon, their bus is just running a bit late”
I turned around and whispered ” they’ll never be here.. cause i dont have any..”
After me and Tanner broke […]
A couple of days ago i met my ex who had had the abortion. We haven’t really spoken about it since it happened and so when i brought it up it was a bit of a touchy subject. She had told a friend about it and they had advised her to write a letter to the baby and just say how she was feeling, she never had though.
We decided we would write one together. None of us knew what to say though and so we just sat for a while. Then we wrote ‘sorry’! That’s all i could say at first but then we got […]
After coming home from school, my ride dropped me off at my sisters smoothie shop. There my sister barely talked to me, and barely made any eye contact with me. I tried acting normal and trying to talk to her,but she wouldnt say anything.  I sat at one of the tables ani took out my books to do my homework. My sister said someing and i didnt hear her so i asked her to  repeat it. Then she started to say all this shit about me. She started saying things such as, youre a disgrace, im embarrassed to call you mysister, youre inresponsible,  and you […]
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