I have a hard time talking about this stuff but i just dont know anymore about anything one second I’m happy and ok and most of the time i just dont know what to think its weird, i dont know what to think anymore I go to the gym to help my confidence and it seems the harder i go the harder i am on my self , I feel i made the wrong decisions in life im not getting anywhere with life i feel like im at a stand still, i hate every choice i have made noone knows i feel This way and […]
Tag:
Shit
Its not totally clear. Everything between now and when I was a miserable as a child is a blur now. Things really sucked, I met her and things were good for a bit. However all that good is gone now and it just feels I’ll I can recall now is a 33 year continuum of shit. I guess I’m grateful there were a few good years.
I wrote on here the other day about my life has fallen apart completely. I feel completely hopeless and trapped inside my own head, and in the days since that post, I’ve gotten blackout drunk, stopped taking my bipolar meds and had random anonymous sex 2 nights in a row because I have no other way to escape the way I feel. I hate being sober because all I can do is obsess about how my meds aren’t working, about how I can’t seem to pull it together and find hope in anything, and about how the one person I’ve ever truly loved in life […]
So me and my ex just had this HUGE fucking fight about cutting. (It was a big fight considering I had an anxiety attack) He’s never cut and he didn’t know I did. I felt like it was time to tell him so I did. He flipped shit on me and told me he would kill himself (which he won’t). He said he loves me and wants to be with me. I am the same but I told him I wasn’t going through his shit again. I told him also that if he wanted to be with me again he had to earn a hall of a lot of […]
I’ve kept this facade of being happy in school for so long, so when I was telling my friend about this (she’s kind of my best friend), she asked me is this how I really am?
Like happy( that’s how I come across in school) and can make people laugh because of my randomness.
But I told her at home I’m not happy because everything is tense and well… NOT happy…
I wish I could tell her EVERYTHING…but I literally CAN’T, like I get this cold felling that spreads from my finger tips everywhere. And I can’t always rely on people to listen to […]
i dont have anything going for me and i never will. Everyone always says life sucks, so why even bother. It is universaly agreed that life is a ***** and then you die and for some reason everyone justs accepts that and moves on. Well why the fuck would we even bother, if life sucks then why keep living it. Its like a crappy movie, you know its crap so you stop. Well life is crap so why not stop. People say its selfish and you will be hurting your friends and family. If your friends and family really fucking cared about you they would […]
I hate life. What the hell is the point of it, anyway? Why ME? Why was I stuck in this hellhole? I am so out of place. Everyone else at my school is perfect. Skinny, pretty, acne-free. Then there’s me, an annoying, short, ugly little freak. My mom hates me. My dad hates me. Everyone hates me. I hate me. The only reason I’m still here is because I can’t get the right pills. I cut, people call me an attention whore. I’ve tried to kill myself 3 times now. My damn parents caught me and “grounded” me for 3 months because they didn’t want […]
My mother told me once when I was about 11/12. That she gave more care to my brothers because she saw that I needed the attention less. I could take care of myself.
I guess that is sort of how I lived the next 10 years. I dont need anyone. I can take care of myself. Except for this site I never really talk about my shit.
I rant a lot. I am probably one of the most moody people you will ever meet. I nag about pretty much everything I see.
Im a negative person. The glass is always half empty.
Still it would be nice from time to […]
In 2002, I was in 8th grade, and that was the first time I started thinking about killing myself. It’s also when I started hurting myself. Things got a little better in high school, so I was just self mutilating day-to-day. Then as a senior in December of 2006 I ate a shit ton of aspirin, and ended up in the hospital after my first real suicide attempt. My favorite part was when I got home and my step mom asked me if I was ‘stupid or something’, because ‘everyone knows’ that aspirin is a blood thinner and actually makes you more jittery and awake, […]
This is a sort of rant ramble of things, and also a call of advice.
I’ve never been too good with words. I always manage to say the wrong thing when I’m speaking face to face with someone, and I also get very emotional too even over things that don’t need to be. So in general hard to discuss topics for me are even harder, and I’m sure I’m not the only one on this board.
So now onto the general main topic.
I’m moving to California, I’m just leaving everything behind and moving, there’s no doubt in my mind about it. I have to go for myself. […]
My life has infact, gotten no better. The exercise isn’t looking like anything has changed, I still hate my body. My friends are somewhat ignoring my issues because they make them uncomfortable. Because they never have anything to say to me, so they just smile sympathetically and soon enough it’s forgotten.
What I’ve discovered is that my father has been diagnosed with Bi-Polar, and this explains why he’s such a dick when only moments ago he would have been being lovely. But now, he wants to lean onto me. Because I’m his daughter, and the only thing he has left, I feel obligated to look after him, even though I’m […]
You never know how alone you really are until you look around and no one is there. Yes, I have friends who say that they’re there for me, but are they really? Well, that’s what they want me to think. By them telling me that they are, they think I believe it. Where are they now? Where have they been? They may be here physically, right beside me most of the time, but they aren’t really. For the last two years I have suffered from depression, gone though a long phase of anorexia, bulimia and cutting, no one knows about my struggle other than my closest […]
Do you ever just want to fade away? Have no one think of you or what you’ve done, and not deal with the shit you’ve made. I do not know where this all began I’m really only a 14 year old girl. Do you ever feel like you are being watched all the time? Like they are watching you and laughing at you and being hurt by you, and judging you all the time? Well I do. It’s this constant feeling of judgement, I feel. And the pressure is literally beginning to kill me. I just can’t handle it anymore. I feel like everything I […]
HeartCore, Wordy, Ratkity, those of you who gave a shit, I hope you look here, and I apologize for you having to see this.
SP became my home very quickly, and it became a place that I wasn’t safe to be at any longer even faster.
This will probably be my last day here on SP. I am done, and I cannot take it anymore. Those of you on chat acted like I was saying shit like “oh at least you don’t have fucked up hips” or “at least you aren’t dying” or “at least you don’t have cancer” when all I fucking said was “at least […]
So every single morning, I wake up. Obviously, either wise i wouldnt be here right now and you wouldn’t be reading this crappy entry. but oh well. anyways, i do my normal routine, get ready for school, stare at myself in the mirror, criticize myself, decide whether or not i should skip breakfast, blahblahblah. sounding familiar? .. then i get to school, dont know who to be around with in the morning, should i hang out with my backstabbing friends , or be a loner and get looks and shit? i choose the latter most times. school goes pretty fine, heart hurts everytime i see […]
Listen to me.
I know what it’s like having to go to school, and dreading it, just to get bullied every day. I have ADD and slight dyslexia (but you would never know it unless I told you), so I went to “special” classes because I learned differently. I got picked on, constantly, until I finally beat the shit out of the kid for doing it (but I don’t recommend this), and after that, nobody fucked with me. I know what it’s like. I was afraid to go to school. I used to beg my mum to let me stay home, and my grandfather told me […]
It all started at the beginning to high school, 9th grade.
I fit in perfectly, I made new friends everyday, hung out, went to parties, dated. Normal stuff that people would expect a normal teenager girl to do. But…I wasn’t exactly happy. Sure during the moment of all those parties and drinks and even experimenting with weed a few times (nothing I’m proud of anymore) I was happy. But after that adrenaline rush went away, and I sat in my bed looking up at my bedroom ceiling, I knew I wasn’t happy.
I guess I could say it started when I met Joe. He wasn’t someone that went to my […]
My brother went to prison for selling herion, he used it himself too. He was so messed up. For two fucking years. I was 9 when he started using, I didnt know what was going on. But when I was 11 he went to prison, my mom sat me down and told me what was going on. I cryed legitamently for 2 weeks. I skipped school for 2 weeks. I was so scared and I just didnt know what to do. It deffinitly made me change, it made my whole family change. My parents have to raise one of his kids and his wifes parents […]
I feel like no one gives a shit about me. I’ve been attempting suicide since I was  12. I’m 18 now. I feel like I just can’t be happy, and like I should just end it. I’ve thought about killing myself everyday since seventh grade. At this point what I think is, if I’m going to kill myself, I’m going to do it right. I’ve really considered the method of hanging, booze, and lots of sleeping pills. All at once? To wait until the sleeping pills and the booze kick in a little before I pass out completely, and then hang myself? Is this […]
Just a shitty day… or a couple.
A day like today where I wake up feeling okay, and then I start thinking about all the things I’ve ever done wrong. And then I start thinking about how I’m a shitty person. And then, on top of that, I feel like I have zero things to offer. I try so fucking hard to be good at things, at art, at programming… I’m in college, getting decent grades and busting my ass… But I hate everything I’ve ever done. I’ve never accomplished anything and I feel worthless. I’m a huge sagging disappointment to myself. I feel ugly; I […]