A broken soul
An empty shell
A monster
I tried to protect my heart.
I tried to shelter it
But now, it yearns for someone to break down the walls I built around it. It wants someone look past all the darkness and love. Someone to love me for me. I’m a fucked up mess. I want someone to care about me. I’m tired of pretending.
But then again, no one can ever love a monster. I don’t deserve it.
To be honest, I can’t stop crying and I don’t know why. Nothing particularly bad happened I’m just so unreasonably miserable.
Today, I’m so desperately wishing that the human body wasn’t built to survive, and that it wasn’t so difficult to die. I wish I knew how to use a gun, because if I did I’d shoot myself since I have access to a gun. I wish all the useless leftover antidepressants I had would kill me if I took them all. Maybe the lexapro would since I’m allergic.
I wish I knew one person who was kind to me, I wish I had friends. I wish […]
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Idk why i titled this post after a fairly odd parents character. My sister mentioned him earlier so there you have it. I’ve been in worse places than now. That said ive overeaten like a pig today, i was treated like a cop when i asked someone for weed, someone from my past contacted me out the blue but things are still fairly cold. The whole convo was less than 20 words between the both of us. The weed thing sucks. Ive been completely sober for 5 months since i moved here […]
I feel like I’m several trillion spoons in debt… (if you get that reference)
So, the girl he was after rejected him. No, of course I don’t want him to be miserable but it would have been a bad situation for him to get involved with. He chases perfect little girls around or under 5′ tall and under 100 lbs. This one just so happened to be married (but in process of going to get divorced) with 2 little babies 9 months apart. It would have ruined everyone’s lives because of the things he has attached to his name. Which, could be the reason she had […]
I know I have made seriously idiotic choices while ‘living’ in a zombie-like fog for a very, very long time; I’ve been so lost and absent for what seems like an eternity and I feel horrible for it. I am frozen. And it’s not fair to those around me, who watch as I walk around numb and oblivious. For so long. And I wonder what it all means. And I ruminate endlessly, stuck within my own self-imposed prison. I try to stay positive. I know I have been stronger, that I’m smarter than this, that this isn’t who I really am…or are those lies? So […]
So I made someone a gift. And also thinking of you SPers. Hope you all enjoy it. 😉
It’s not finished yet but it’s kind of understandable now
It will always be remiss of me to assume that my interactions with them will amount to anything significant and if they do, significance is an illusion; deceit, miscommunication, and utility will form the core of that relationship. In the event that I’m wrong, and the relationship exists on positive grounds, then it is wasted on someone like me and someone else is more suitable to be that other person’s friend/lover/parent/etc.
Remembering this information will be critical to achieving my ultimate goal and not repeating past events which have led to my suffering.
At first, I unfriended him from facebook, and that hurt. And it’s not that I don’t want to be friends with him. It’s that it hurts too much that I can be so easily replaced and forgotten. But then I deactivated my page. He won’t notice I’m gone. After almost a year and always giving him everything, I don’t fucking matter at all. All that fucking matters to him is someone being under 100 lbs when he’s 300 lbs himself.
I want to fucking kill myself. Half because of him and knowing I’ll always be alone and half because I’m embarrassed to be so fucking ugly […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I don’t really know have much of a direction for this post in my head, no horrid incident or crazy profound thoughts, just stuff that runs through my head.
Do you ever wake up and you feel so empty? Not even like sad or upset over anything in particular. You just feel like nothing at all, you just feel so tried that you don’t even know how you’re standing. That’s how I’ve been waking up a lot lately.
I feel like everyone has something they’re good at, something they’re smart about or something they have a passion for. I don’t enjoy anything, I don’t have a talent […]
Today I sat in my room in silence staring at the floor realizing I have nothing , no one. I realized i don’t have anyone there for me when i need them, that my parents don’t realize how depressed i am, that no one asks how i am, no one checks on my mental health, that in the end everyone has their own person, my mom has my dad, aaron has eric, you have your ducklings and dad, danielle has her boyfriend and sister, everyone has someone but me, because in the end im the second chose like always. Yesterday i cried because i finally […]
So, I ran away from home because I can’t stand my sister and mom anymore. I’m better on my own for now. I still feel empty and can’t get over my miscarriage. But along the way something changed. I met someone. A guy. He knows what has happened to me and has helped me through it even though I’m really difficult. I have feelings for him now. I’m confused and scared. But now he is not replying to me anymore. I thought he felt the same way and now I feel a little bit worse than before. Why whenever I let someone in […]
Just feeling like nobody cares. Because why would they? What does caring for someone even mean? Why would you waste your time caring for someone you know is a ticking bomb? Is it so that they won’t be one? Why would any of you care about helping me? Why would any of you care about me? You don’t know me. Do we ever actually care about someone we don’t know? We might? But do we? So what if I don’t know myself. Do I care?
My cats….
Let me tell their stories…
Top row:
1. Heidi – she was my grandma’s cat, which made me want to get a cat. She passed away a good long time before any of mine did.
2. Salem – my first baby. 3/1/98-11/5/11. She passed away from FIP.
-skipping ahead for a reason-
5. Gypsy – my 4th baby. 7/25/03-3/3/12. She passed away after eating a cat toy, having surgery to remove it, and then getting a blood infection. She was only […]
I am not in a very good place and was wondering if someone was out there could talk?
Something dark has brought me back to this place, suicideproject just can’t be erased from my mind even after years. Ive had this ongoing struggle of unhappiness, and I can’t see to win the war.
even now a little older, and have a respectable career happiness hasn’t come. My job as a firefighter has only made me numb to seeing what death really looks like. Pulling half of bodies, limbs and charred remains from houses, mangled bodies from vehicle accidents, spraying off the walls of the people who spattered brains all over
Every once in a while you might save someone and make a difference, but did […]
I’m astounded I never heard of suicide project before, seeing as I’ve fantasized about, planned and studied suicide for many many years. Whenever I dare to get close enough with someone that I might actually feel happy, they sense my deep depression and ask the inevitable – are you suicidal? That doesn’t satisfy them, no. They have to go further. How often do you think of suicide? That’s when they flee.
The bonds I need in order to cease feeling suicidal are not available to me until I’m no longer suicidal.
And around and around we go.
.
This morning (Monday) I finally got to sleep for the first time since Friday.
Slept for 12-13 hours, and still woke up feeling like someone who could give zombie-lessons.
I can sit and stare at the wall for an hour, doing nothing and thinking almost nothing, before my brain finally nudges me into consciousness.
Something is definitely weird.
I have two different doctor appointments next week, so maybe one of them will have an idea what’s going on.
Until then, hi, everybody.
Mondays are rotten for most people, so […]
I never thought it would get this way again. Everything was looking up, I was happy. But I guess my happiness always has a nasty habit of running away from me and leaving me like everyone else.
I’m scared. I’m so fucking scared I have no idea what to do. I wake up shaking from anxiety from dreams I can’t remember. I’m not eating, i’m not sleeping. I just got a new job and I don’t even know how I’m going to manage that. I never want to leave the house anymore. What’s the point? I have a boyfriend, things seemed perfect. Maybe i’m just too […]
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