I’m such a coward…
Everything’s in place for my death, and the only thing holding me back is my fear.
Fear of death, when it’s the only logical way to end all suffering.
Not just my suffering, but my family and friends’ as well.
Everyone’s better off without me, and that’s the truth.
So all I gotta do is jump…
and let gravity do the rest.
Fear is holding my feet to the ground.
You fucking coward…
Tag:
Suffering
My Papa (Grandfather) has gone to sleep in his room.
My Daddy has the flu, he is laying down in bed.
My mother is working on coupons on the computer across the room.
My second youngest brother is on the couch near me reading a book he got for christmas.
My littlest brother is making mashed potatoes for dinner.
My dog is chewing on a rawhide.
My cat is with my dad.
And I am screaming. Silently shrieking.
My loving family goes on like this. How they cannot see the blade so blatently slashing at my gut I cannot imagine. That they don’t see my insides being […]
I guess I’m going to be a regular to this site now. Hello, whoever’s reading this. You’re pain has become my drug. Your pain is softer than my own. I found this site about a week ago, and I just keep coming back. During school at break, at work when I have a minute… and now, when I have to wake up early and go to school tomorrow. I lay in my bed, poised to hide my laptop should my parents walk down the hall. I am here once more. Reading, and commenting, and now posting.
You’re pain is distracting to me. I hope to do […]
Well, I’m not really sure how to do this.. But, here goes.
October 7th, 2010, exactly a week after my 14th birthday, I attempted to commit suicide. I shot myself in the head with a 22 Rugger handgun. I felt as if nobody cared, like something was wrong with me because I just could’t be happy no matter what I did. I didn’t want to feel this way but, I couldn’t control it. I felt like a burden on my family, I felt as if it’d be easier on them if I just disappeared. That day at school, all I could think about was, “What […]
When you take your meds and yet the hills are lower but the valleys deeper, you just want to die.
Nobody understands and money only postpones the inevitable.
People can’t understand, and sometimes nor can I.
But the way life is I just want to die.
I have no hall nor gun and thus can’t commit this ‘crime’ but I do have a death wish and that is mine.
When the meds do nothing but society asks, that you still take them to be all “well”
But you know that death cannot come quick enough
Though I fear and dread it
It solves all ills
another sleepless night with crying, screaming into my pilllow and suffering 🙁 i wrote this in the night…. hope you like it.
fires ablaze within my eyes
a smile concealing all my lies screaming, begging calling out
a final frantic desperate shout.
i dont know why i feel this way
i never asked for pain, tears or suffering i was normal at one point in life
i was full of smiles, laughter and happiness
i wish i knew the cause of this pain to find a way to make it all stop.
have you ever felt like giving up this fight
have you ever slit your wrists or
have you ever picked up a knife
i […]
Most of us in this world believe that the only way to be happy
and to live our life to the fullest is to find love.
For us normal human being,
love is like a key that can open any doors.
We focus on it too much that we forgot to think
about other more important things like reality.
I realize that if we decided to accept love,
we also decided to accept suffering.
Love and suffering is connected and
we can’t just pick one of it because loving
and suffering is not a choice.
Life is unfair, because we can’t decide not to
love […]
The pain doesn’t get better. Each day, my suffering seems to increase. I feel like a ghost walking through my life, I don’t know if anyone sees me or not, I feel invisible. I avoid talking to people for fear of frightening them with the truth… if they listen to me, or look into my eyes, they might see what I try to conceal; anguish and loneliness at the threshold of becoming more than any human being could possibly bear.
Last night, I cried for hours, and fell asleep imagining the instant relief of being hit head-on by a fast-moving train.
So i found the hand gun i knew the old man had. im not into guns cause i have morals against them so i dont work them well but i know it well enough to shoot. so i cocked the gun and couldnt figure out how to fix it without shooting it so i had to take it outside and shoot it. powerful little thing. crush my skull good! so ive been really thinking about using it to end my life soon. but i guess im scared to do it. i dont know why. i cant find anything worth staying alive for. being dead sounds […]
I give up. On everything. Nothing is worth it anymore. Nobody loves me. My family hates me, especially my dad. Everyone loves my sister more than me. She’s skinny, smart, popular, and beautiful. Multiple crushes and my own father (he shouldn’t even be called that) like her better. My father calls me stupid, a whore, and a slut. The one boy I have loved since kindergarten told me repeatedly he hated me, that I’m a freak, that I’m ugly and fat and a lot of other stuff that’s completely true. I have practically no friends. They all left me in 6th grade. I was left utterly alone. […]
I think that a way to kill myself which wouldn’t cause too much trauma for my family would be to let my road bike drift into the path of an oncoming semi-tractor/trailor.  Death would be virtually certain if I ride on a road with a high enough speed limit, and it would look like an accident instead of an intentional act. They wouldn’t have to suffer the stigma of having me kill myself. It would be neat and clean, and fortunately their financial security would be guaranteed.
For a moment the pain would be excruciating after getting run over by a truck, but that much pain […]
bombs arc through the air
and burst on the ground
on roofs, on the houses
on the people hell-bound.
The city is burning
and peace that they’re yearning
dissipate into the night
and wither from sight
the mothers are singing
rocking their children to rest
as the chaos erupts
and sins are soon blessed
The gods turn to demons
and dance to the tune
of the death and the dying
and the promised, sweet doom.
A mother buries her child
among the debris
a candle burns softly
as it’s set off to sea
she cries to the silence
to the cold metal giants
falls to her knees
and then whispers […]
I do know that there will be people who will miss and judge me. That’s one of the reasons that keeps me from killing myself. But what if I come up with some omnipotent supernatural being for myself? I would then make a pact with it that it will make sure that people left behind won’t judge me, that people will not miss me, that I won’t cause suffering by going away. It works for some religious people. I guess that’s just a thought experiment.
Things have gone worse. But, that’s probably good for me. I talked to the school counsellor the other day, and honestly it didn’t help. She’s going to tell my parents. That is why i didn’t want to go in the first place -.- She thinks i suffer with some depression, but it’s probably not a bad one. It’s not like i have trouble sleeping or anything. I’m going downhill, but then i guess that means i’m going uphill in a way. Me suffering is a good thing. It’s meant to be. I’ve lost interest in everything i loved, in food even. I only really eat […]
My mind has a never ending cry for help. I suffer in silence and when I speak people think its just a phase. I hope they’re right, I hope I’m wrong. I always say there’s always a limit for everything, it’s come to the point where the most important people in my life have turned their back on me. It feels nasty, I have disgust in my heart and tears want to flow through my eyes, I want to scream through the walls, yet I keep myself from doing this, I don’t want people seeing my pain, my suffering. So I keep that anger, that […]
To whoever may concern,
Although I am young I already feel it is time to stop running well that is how I feel. I am running from my feelings, my emotions for the better good of others. I don’t want to ‘live’. I don’t need to ‘live’. I have read other story’s and they were the truth. I show no sympathy because I have spent so long hiding what feel that I no longer feel. I’m just empty. A ghost of what I should be. Today my ‘friend’ almost got hit by a car […]
Oh how I’d love to die. I really would. To just escape this reality, and “get out of this labyrinth of suffering”, for anyone who has ever read that book. But I wonder, what happens when you die? If there is a hell, I surely don’t want to end up there. I’d rather be on this earth, than be eternally scorched in flames. But if it’s not real, I’d love to die. I wish I knew for sure…
I am the world to my parents. Everything they do, they claim to do it for me. Maybe it’s an Asian thing. Maybe it’s just a devoted parents thing. I don’t know. I’ve been wanting them to come to terms with the fact that I want to kill myself since I first decided to tell them in April. I hoped that with enough communication, they would understand the amount of suffering I’ve been enduring. Of course, no, they think I need a change of scenery, a change in lifestyle, pretty much a change in everything. Think that that would solve my problems. No. They even […]
That’s my biggest problem. I’ve made up my mind a long time ago that this is what i wanted but i still have no idea how i could end my life without too much physical pain. Physical pain is what keeps me away from suicide but i can only hope that it’s a matter of time before i find the miracle suicide method. My biggest fear is living for many more years in shame and regret because of my fear for physical pain. But sometimes i tell myself that the pain i feel inside is probably greater than any pain any suicide method would involve.There’s […]
I’m ugly I’m really ugly. 3rd time of chemo and I’m already really sick, ive lost over half my hair and its terrifying i’m scared I’m really scared. this is causing even more pain. should i kill myself now or carry on suffering in pain? cancer is to hard its awful and i dont see how im going to survive! ive been getting messages that im worthless, ugly, useless, good for nothing and that i should go kill myself. the hurtful things people have said to me its to hard to cope,…. how much longer can i last??? i feel really weak and helpless last night […]