I’m probably not your typical person on here. I am 27, good looking, smart, funny, outgoing, have a wonderful family who I know care deeply for me and who have and would continue to give the world to me. My parents are still together, I was never abused or neglected. I have 2 sisters who at the drop of a hat would stop whatever they were doing to be by my side. I have a good job. My co-workers turn to me for everything. I am an aspiring musician and have had songs on the radio. Yet I feel so empty. So lonely. I delt […]
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the world
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Wait, Lucy, you’re not actually going to try to end it again, are you?!” Well, the answer, my dear friends… is no. I’m not going to try to kill myself again. Not for a little while, anyway. I mean, I doubt I’m going to live to see 2015, but that’s still a ways off, so I’m still here.
Basically, I just wanted to make this post just to tell everyone one last time how I’m doing. I know it’s been a while since I made an update, so a lot’s happened, but… here goes.
Shortly after I made my post “My […]
I have discovered that I don’t want to die, I want to live but just can’t bear the reality I’m faced with (having no redeeming qualities and having no place in this world). I didn’t understand what it actually meant to die and that scares the living shit out of me. To think how close I came to jumping from a skyscraper and being sucked into a vacuum to never feel or experience anything ever again… it’s hard to believe it’s what I wanted. It was only in coming to close to death that saved my life. But my life is still shattered and I […]
I love this girl and we recently got together and she loved me as much as I loved her, but a week ago she tells me to go to here house. Alone, So I did and she told me that she wanted a “Open Relationship” where she can go explore the world but still have me in her life.. It makes me feel kind of used but I don’t know I want to keep it the same, she still kisses me and stuff… but she told me the other day that she liked this guy…. and I almost lost it, like 2 days after we, […]
As this summer toils on, I’m left contemplating how things change in life. I’ve spent the last four months watching my life degrade. Losing people who meant the world to me, losing my job. Watching things that I used to enjoy and even take a bit of pleasure in wither away. But mostly I’ve been thinking about how different I thought this summer would be. Instead of planning my death, right now I was supposed to be planning my wedding. Instead of watching people slip away, I was supposed to be preparing to welcome a child within the next year or so. Now, I find […]
Butterfly, butterfly; come to me like a ship into the heart of the storm.
You can never give up; to the death, see you in the afterlife.
Use the Phoenix-down, come to me. Press start. Seek our palace to die.
Why do you not take me away from hell. Come.
The apex, my defect. I need somebody. To the express polar.
Tonight, tonight. The moon didn’t come out.
I love the deep jazz, of the astral.
Who is to save the undead.
Melancholy, why does that sound so beautiful.
Transcendence. Alpha-death. The other to form the trinity.
I want to sing the opera with my trip-hop. […]
nothing is the same im fighting for controle im sick to my gut i need a joint im hot and sweating and for what… for love the most beautiful thing in the world yet when it even stagers form the tracks it hurts its worth it i know it is i feel like shit i feel sick i feel so fucking alone why WHY ITS NOT RIGHT iv put so much in to so meny people and this is what i get out of it a life that with out one person in it will end up back were it was why i dont know […]
i just howled like a man on fire at the moon… it hurts so much not being abel to talk to her some times and haveing a depreshoin spike now is really not helping i cant even tell her i dont whant to it could hurt her ni just whant to crawl back in to the hole i came from and sleep for ever escape iv got to stay on my feet i whant to yell agine its like a fire i whant to run about the wood yelling and screeming my frustrashion at the world she will understand my paine the woods are her voce and […]
i havent been on here for a long time iv seen some shit im my time (god i sound like a vam vet !) but you know that dont meen shit people stoped calling me emo now im the hippie guy who smile all the time no one can seem to get to him some one said theres something abotu my eyes something dark if only she knew but ill tell you what ever sins i droped acid once no more no less its opened my mind just enough to let the light and truth in the people are lieing to you the world loves you and its beautiful you […]
i may spell your name wrong and other words… i may lose fath think you will never come back i may some times think wtf am i doing but you know what fuck it all when i get that emaile my belly flips and we met on this sight just over a year ago now and i love you more than evre are frends who we knew here are probaly dead or thay got better (better what is better) were still roleing on well not realy roleing iv tryed to kill my self agine twice now… iv had the thoughts even when im dancing with […]
Oh. Oh. Holiness, is dead.
Oh. Killing me softly.
The water, the words, down the drain.
Oh, the music, awaiting for the outlaw.
Hold it, by the claw. The bear, the world needs to blow.
The celestial mad cow, look into her eyes. Take her blood, instead.
From our, hybrid evolution, never evolved. I wonder, our caveman.
The killer clan. The God of Man. I am the only, a Morlock.
God is dead. God is real. My obscure projection into reality.
The new age is the golden age.
Our soul never evolved, only our machines.
The ant, the ant, they grow. What will be, of behind […]
I’m not good enough for anyone to just love me. It’s all I ask for in this life, I just want someone to love me wholey and honestly but I guess I just don’t deserve that. I guess god thinks I don’t deserve to be happy. I hear the voice in my head everyday that tells me over and over “you’re not good enough, no one really loves you, you’re a disappointment to everyone, just do the world a favor and end it.” And right now that sounds like a good idea. I want to die, slowly and painfully, none of this quick and painless […]
Everything just seems to be going wrong. I don’t know who I am and am not even really sure who I want to be. I guess you could just say that’s my age I’m 19 going on 20. So that’s reasonable. I feel down. I feel like no one understands me . I feel like am becoming distant from those I love. I can’t enjoy life. It sucks right know. It really has since I turned 12 and just got progressively worse. I feel better about myself personally as time has gone on. Its just I feel inexperienced and less mature in the ways of […]
I want to welcome you to your life. I’ve seen and filled it with my eyes, and it is pure. When you believe in something strong, you can be too sure. And if it’s safe to sleep at night…
I will walk you through your home and set your place. I’m still attracted by your smile, that rests upon your face. You don’t want to rest your lips.. So lets keep them speaking. I hear her speak to me..love
Oh she told me things I’ve set in stone, drove my heart steaks through the ground. I’ve up rooted..all I’ve known.
I know a world […]
Comrade. Somebody. Meet me at New Mexico.
Through the valley, of the shadow, and life. Oh, comrade. A dying saint.
Lucifer has captured me. Echo, abyssal, and oblivion.
Today, let me know. Progression, evolution.
To the death, is life. The whimsical and enchanted lost people.
My name is Morlock, but I am dead. The undead. Resuscitation.
The power, the sands of hell. Contort reality like a space wormhole.
In a world to conquer our fantasy. Here, in the mystery.
What’s going to happen, I don’t know, from where I am.
Yo, second hit it.
Let’s go, we gonna roll. Can we rock and roll.
One day, may […]
We fought last night and the harsh truth came out. My deepest fears swam to the surface drawn out by his mouth. I begged and told him my fears and troubles and they were confirmed by telling me they were uncared for and deserved. My being, dignity, pride and any settlement in self were mashed all by his sewer. My place and image in the workplace shifted to the bad plain because of him and his embarrassing mouth trying all too hard to gain masculinity. I am uncomfortable in my skin, squirming with shame to get out because of him. Him,him him. I am apparently […]
I have really mixed emotions about coming back to sp.
I battled with depression, suicide, cutting and general shit in my life and I have come close to death many times. I believed that life was never going to get better, that I was going to die a lonely virgin loser and bring shame and hurt to my family. I have stood atop the highest building in my college and peered over the edge and stood there for many painful hours. I have cut deep, and popped pills. I was badly beaten as a child periodically and mentally tortured. I came here and wrote angry posts […]
I don’t particularly like to sleep. Slept 7 hours last night, better than most nights. Guess I’m happy about that but my body is achey and tired and i want to stay in bed forever. Getting out of bed is the hardest thing in the world lately. just a few weeks of not getting up on time, not starting my day. My therapist tells me to be proud of myself for getting to work at all. I want to be, I do.
I don’t know what I want. Life doesn’t really seem to have a point. The last few years I’ve been operating on the idea […]
I want to die. No, I want to be brutally And painfully tortured and murdered. This is how much I hate myself. Everyone else pretty much feels the same way and there’s a reason for it. I’m a completely unlikable person. A mess that could never be loved, pity is not even reserved for people like me. I’ve even turned the person I love more than anything in the world, my best friend, my ally, my partner, completely against me. He can’t even summon up any type of positive feeling for me. I feel so lost, I don’t even know how I’m still alive. He […]
I am not mad but wish I was. So sick of taking shit from people and in the moment I feel so strong and empowered I give them hell. Ha, then a day later I feel awful even if I wasn’t wrong and I have this sick need to try and repair everything at all costs. I wish I could have faith in my abilities and when I make a choice in regards to my self respect that I would honor it. I am all over the damn place with the only constant being thoughts and methods if death. Started as young as I can […]