I’m not good enough for anyone to just love me. It’s all I ask for in this life, I just want someone to love me wholey and honestly but I guess I just don’t deserve that. I guess god thinks I don’t deserve to be happy. I hear the voice in my head everyday that tells me over and over “you’re not good enough, no one really loves you, you’re a disappointment to everyone, just do the world a favor and end it.” And right now that sounds like a good idea. I want to die, slowly and painfully, none of this quick and painless bs. I want it to be so agonizing that I can’t stand it. I don’t want anyone to cry or anyone to care when I’m dead either, no one bothered to care while I was alive and no one tried to stop me. I’m sitting outside right now and I’m about to get my truck keys and go end it all in the worst way I know possible. I’m so tired of the voices saying I’m not good enough, I just want them to stop! I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE THEM BE QUITE! I JUST WANT THEM TO SHUT UP!
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This is gunna sound so lame but there are meds that make the incessant chatter stop. For me it was voices sometimes my own. Sometimes not. Sometimes sounded like conversation. Sometimes just banter or even like a tv or radio changing channels. But it was irritating. Meds work and there’s a ton of them that are cheap. Like $4. Some are even free. And psin sucks. Have you ever actually been in physical pain? Ever? I had a kid. Worse pain ever. I also had two herniated discs. Not even close to a kid but the pain was so bad I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t even crawl to the bathroom. I was rushed to surgery so that’s pain. Broken bones that’s not bad. I’m just trying to say that pain is relative until you have truly reached your own threshold limit. Trust me you wantit to be painlesz or as painless as possible. And someone out there will miss you. Do you have a pet? Sometimes things look different the next day
Believe it or not you made me make this account. I was looking through my web and I found this site your story was the first I saw. A total stranger to me but I immediately created a account to write to you. Everyone has someone in this life. Sometimes we struggle and ask why me. God has a path for you I promise you ! He doesn’t enjoy to see you hurt that’s never his intention but there’s so many of us in this world sometimes he is just letting us handle what he knows we can control. Never think your alone . look who you attacked a total stranger . I hope you calm down and believe in yourself. I promise you this won’t last forever! Please don’t do anything I will carry a guilt knowing I wasn’t fast enough to rite you . -Nanci
Thank you very much. You have no idea what an impact this message just had on me. It helps so much to know that people do care and that I’m not alone
that message was really sweet, but that religous “i promise you – god has a path for you”-crap kinda destroyed it for me… but nevermind… if it helps weak people coping with our harsh reality its not that bad, BUT
Lulu, I wanna tell you just this: When you manage to get out of this shitty hole, you feel you are currently in… You wanna be proud of yourself! YOU did it, because you were strong enough! And not because somebody said some imaginary figure takes care of you and has a pre-defined path for you. Take self responsibility, don’t make your future dependent from a pink unicorn!
YOU ALONE CAN DO IT! JUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND LISTEN TO YOUR HEART! BE WHO YOU WANNA BE AND DONT GIVE A SHIT WHAT OTHERS SAY! LIFES TO SHORT FOR THAT…
ps: i know giving advice is always easier, than actually doing it. so be aware that i am struggling with the same feelings like you do. but hey i am working on it…
Yeah I have to say, I was with you until you started going on about that spiel about God. This site does mention it is NOT for gospel. You know some people were born into this life to suffer and only suffer and then they die, that’s it, the end (just think of the kids who die from dysentery from poor facilities and malnutrition. They only exist to die from that agonizing pain, what a God huh?). At the same time, if you’re happy, I’m happy for you if it helps. I don’t think KinGin said it in the nicest way possible so I’m trying to give you some insight.
you are right. i didnt say it in the nicest way possible, but i said it clearly. and sometimes thats what people need! 😉
ps: i am sure you didnt disfigure my screenname on purpose, but it’s meant to be “King in Yellow”, a fictional masterpiece written by Robert W. Chambers! 🙂
OH man I’m sorry I read that late last night and my eye abbreviated to capitals. KinGin had a really cool ring to it haha, my apologizes.
Too much belief in agency particularly those involving visions or intuitions of a personal God may stem from our innate tendency toward anthropomorphism. You could look up the evolutionary theory of error management theory that posits type I errors vs type II and how God is essentially a type I error.
But sometimes the attitudes of atheists downright embarrass me (not speaking directly to you KinGin) that we no longer respect someone’s choice in what they believe. This forum is fast turning into a debacle were people are not being respected. We all come from the same place, we are all looking for comfort and safety from each other.
How do you help someone solve problems, if they refuse to understand the source of those problems, while insisting on attributing various factors and events to a fictional deity?
You have to break down their false constructs, or they’re pretty much screwed. The problem with that is: those false constructs were built to block out a realistic view of the world, because the real world is too horrible and painful for what seems like most people.
Unfortunately clevername, I see a lot more ignorant and happy people than I do those who seek out the truth.
Typos sorry
And some awesome girl said she joined just to write you but her message is pending. I can see it as a member and you can too…just hasn’t hit yet
who said nobody loves you? may be they didnt find you or you didnt. give yourself more hopes & chances, i’m sure you still too young to decide to end. if you need to talk to someone, just email me & i’ll reply gladly, besides i like nice friends like you.
reply please.
Thanks you guys. It always helps to know there are people out there who care about other people
Maybe this is going to sound stupid and won’t help at all, but i think most people feel like you describe at some point in their life. Most of the people on this site would agree that they feel like that from time to time (at least i know i do), but that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve a chance to be happy, or someone who loves us.
But deserving it doesn’t mean anything, if it happens or doesn’t happen is just a right amount of luck and allowing yourself to trust in people, knowing that most likely you’ll get hurt most of the times (or maybe not, depending on your luck). Some end up giving up because of the harm and some keep trying (and might never find what they seek), but you can never know if you will find someone or something that will make you happy. Sadly there’s no guarantees to that.
this is precisely how i feel. not a day goes by where i dont ponder ending it. slowly and painfully is ok with me now because i deserve it. ive been thinking about taking a bunch of pills, but i’m scared to do it. i figured maybe if i got high and/or drunk some alcohol, it wouldn’t be so bad. i know a relative of mine that has prescription painkillers. i could probably take 20 of those and be done with it. i’d have to also “disappear” because it may take awhile for it to take me away and i wouldn’t want anyone to intervene. there’s so much planning. it would be so much easier and better to just fall asleep and never wake up again. -_-
god i wish i had a pet. i’m 20. live with my mom. been fighting to have her allow me to have a dog.
i love animals so much, especially dogs. i’ve always wanted my own because i need a friend, a companion, and to feel loved. right now, i’ve never felt so worthless in my entire life, and i’m only 20. my gut tells me i wont live long at all. i wont to die young regardless. even if i wasnt depressed and fucked up, i’d still want to die young because getting old is lame to me. i don’t know it’ll end. i’ll either get sick and die, kill myself, or some accident. either way goes. i just hate society. i’m tired of being let down by everyone, the same bullshit, being used, alone, unwanted, forgotten. the same bullshit. every. fucking. time.
I feel with ya, but let me give you my personal reasons, why I won’t kill myself, maybe some of them work for you too:
1) It would destroy my mother. I couldn’t do that to her.
2) I wanna be alive and watch, when this cruel, greedy, egoistic society finally destroys itself!
3) If I kill myself, it is like a defeat, surrendering to all those who hurt me.
4) When you kill yourself its ALL OVER. even if you have just a 1% chance of being happy sometimes, its better than 0% when you’re dead.
5) I still enjoy the casual things like eating a good meal, having a good sleep, watching movies etc., going to cinema with friends and stuff…
let me know, if some of that helped you bro! high five!
Good for you KinGinYellow, I can relate to all of your points except no 2, which I can’t see ever happening in my lifetime anyway (more’s the pity).
I know how it feels that you are never good enough for anyone or even yourself. Feeling that now, after feeling depressed. Same emotions about just want to go but hope that people do not care about me if I go. I keeps pushing people away, but I know there are those few that still cares. It hurts to leave when you know that there are people who cares.
i realized awhile ago that the slow way is the best way out, without really hurting my mother. i mean, of course my mother would be really hurt if she lost me, but if i were to get sick and let myself go versus overdosing, or whatever, then it’d hurt a lot more. i started relying on fate, but i sometimes i want to end it right there and then. depression seems to be draining the life out of me. i feel like soon enough i’ll be that guy walking out in front of a bus. i couldn’t do that to my mom either…which is a big reason why im still here, but those “voices” always say she would be glad that i’m gone, i’d be one less thing she’d have to worry about.
I’m not goin to missed much. The only person who I know for sure would miss me genuinely is my little sister but she will get over it easily because she is only 8 and hasn’t dealt with much death it doesn’t affect her like other people yet. I’m still alive because I know right now she wouldn’t understand but I’m to the point I can’t take it anymore. I have to release the pain somehow
She will remember and it will affect her. Think back to anything growing up that hurt you. Most of it started young. I was sexually abused from the time I was in diapers…I have flashbacks…thru elementary school. And I remember incidents around age eight specifically cuz the people involved were only around me at that age. And they are clear as if it happened this morning. Traumatic events are stored and processed differently. They will return when triggered by any number of future events and we Will try to recreate the trauma anyway we can according to Dr Phil until and unless we get professional help. We will turn to self harm drugs alcohol addiction promiscuity abusive relationships etc. There is a reason they say suicide is selfish. It leaves a wake of destruction to those left behind. A lot of people on here are waiting for the rest of their family to pass. I get that aspect. They don’t want them to suffer.
Don’t start to believe what others say about you…they call you unworthy because deep down they feel threatened by you. Thinking you are superior than they are. They are jealous of you and your strength that they do not have. Might as well rock it and give them a good show until the very end…show them just how much better you are to them and their insults that stem from a severe low self-esteem complex on their part which has nothing to do with you really and everything to do with how much they really hate themselves and how they don’t want to see you shine…because misery loves company.