Soon it’ll be our anniversary. Thirteen years of the 29 I’ve spent on this earth…When we first told each other we loved each other you said to me you couldn’t promise a future because you weren’t even sure you’d stay in town. I told you I understood. While you may have meant physical location; I meant a physical end. I’ve struggled since I was twelve with this indescribable sadness in my soul. I’ve tried to think about the future, our plans and dreams lately but I keep hitting a wall. November is inside me. It’s gnawing at me like a slow leaking faucet. I feel […]
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Does anyone else go through the cycle of getting your life back on track and at that precise moment fucking it up all over again, then having to claw it back? I’m a middle aged person, somewhat successful in a career, yet never fully achieving my potential, really just getting by. I’ve suffered non specific, non diagnosable illness most of my adult life (ibs, cfs, etc) and have fought and fought and fought against them. On many occasions I have wanted out, and only came close once to attempting. I’ve done research and am confident I can do it if I have the resolve. Recently […]
I am so fucking sick of you pathetic excuses for parents telling me that I’ll “ridiculous”, “a failure”, and pathetic every time I mess up at something, not matter how minor, no matter how many times I succeeded. I’m sick of you telling me that I’m not good enough. I’m sick of you guys using my dreams and my ambitions and threats against me, like I won’t ever get anywhere in life if I suddenly didn’t live with you anymore. Well heads up, fuckers. You cut me off when I was 14. Since then, I have made my money, paid my own tuition, bought my […]
Does nature or God take us when we’re finally ready to go. At the point when we’ve learned everything we’ve needed to learn for this lifetime or we’ve finished all of the projects that will have made our life impactful on the world. My grandfather died shortly after being placed in a nursing home after bemoaning the prospect his entire life and fighting feverishly against it towards the end. Right now I am going through a burst of anorexia (not to be confused with anorexia nervosa which is not eating because you fear putting on weight) which means that I have lost much of my […]
So I’m on this site because I’m struggling. I’ve a date set and its all I can think of. Who knows, I had a date set at the start of this year and I was talked out of it.
Anyway, look, thats my sad story and I wont bore anyone with the details but what I do want to say is this. I’m on here the last few days and it seems the majority of posters are young. Some of you have horrendous back stories that make me cry for you, some of you I’m not sure of only I know that you are in a […]
When you constantly think about suicide you start to recognize the signs of others who are thinking about it. You notice they mimic some of the things you do. When you’re thinking about self harm and you tug at your sleeves and close your eyes to try and stop thinking about letting blood come from your arms. Or when you play with your necklace trying not to think of it as a noose. You notice when others cringe and close their eyes. When they hold back their tears because no one really cares about what’s going on. We notice but we never really try to […]
I just want the pain to end
For years I have prayed for a terminal illness, something to to take me away from here. I had a chance of happiness once and I blew that. Every decision I have ever made has been a wrong one.
I know there are some people out there that love me but honestly I feel nothing. It doesn’t give me anything. I think on many levels they would be a lot better off without me.
I look in envy of those people who have something terminal. I pass funerals and think they are the lucky ones.
I wake up and begin my day […]
10 months ago my girlfriend of 9 years left me. We kept in contact the entire time. There was hope. Sometimes a lot of it… Sometimes little… But the hope to get back together was always there. As of yesterday though, that hope is gone. She’s far away… with someone else… and wont be coming back now. She was my first and i was hers… I was 25 and she was 18. Aside from some problems here and there, i thought it would last forever.
I was never interested in a relationship until i met her. Never looked for one. Never slept around. I had a […]
My life is in complete shambles, some off it is my own fault but not all. the only reason stopping me is the pain id cause my mother. Im 37 and when i look back 20 years ago i had way more going for me then i do now. so to me it feels like all i have to show for 2 decades is emotional pain, disappointments and and battle scars. How much further backwards doi want to go? It feels like tunneling through the earth with a plastic spork would be easier then climbing out of this whole. But i have atleast decided to […]
People always say that “happiness is a choice”. Well, guess what? For some people, it isn’t. How do you find happiness in the breaking of a heart, in the sound of your own parents telling you to never see them again? To hear over and over again how you failed, and no matter how hard you try to think of something good, the only thing that comes to mind is that you’ll be dying soon. It’s not like there isn’t any happiness. There is. It’s just not enough to win compared to all the disasters and failures we have to face. Being happy isn’t a […]
im basically word vomiting at this point so if this post jumps around a lot please bare with me.
ive been in a pretty big slump and i cant seem to get out, all i can think about is dying and what it would be like to die, and what people are going to think when i die, and what happens after i die. i made several plans to commit suicide and i just cant push myself to do it, im such a lazy piece of shit. i thought that maybe if i go back to school ill enjoy senior year so much that ill hang […]
And that night, I turned my face towards the wall and cried. For the first time in my life I hated Shone. Hated him for blinding me, for tricking me into foolishly believing that life is a beautiful field of roses… that love is a wondrous bond. Hated myself for the choices I’ve made. Hated for being born. Hated my body for functioning normally. Hated everyone around me. Hatred surged through my veins, hot and angry, pulsing with every breath I take.
I want to die. I have to die. I will not stand another day, another night. I will not enter the hellhole in […]
you know, i posted a few times, and i got really nice people commenting, but then there’s the others blunter ones. i’m not hating on yall, i’m not blaming on yall, in fact, i like your bluntness, don’t lose your bluntness. but when you tell me i need to “learn how to enjoy life without depending so much on other people”, i’m sure you meant to help me. i’m sure you’re just sick of this person who is so fucking needy. but do you think i haven’t tried? how can i depend on myself when all i do is make myself feel miserable? do you […]
Every now and then i think i should just remove myself from the lives of everyone i could possibly influence. Sometimes i think of ending my life, other times I think of disappearing.
I think im here for the anonymity of this forum. I dont talk to anyone about how i feel because that is useless. If they dont have the same feelings then they cant understand and i imagine i would be even more of a burden then.
I also dont want anyone to call a shrink because im “suicidal”. That wouldnt help… at all. Im not the guy who sits in a quiet […]
at my school theres a dorm where a girl jumped off and killed herself last year. i think i might do the same.
some days I think of it less, today is a day that I am unable to give positive confirmation to…, the thought of it is so close, so close…if I were to sit still it would turn me into a fossil. it’s the landscape, it’s the atmosphere, when I breath it in, I can taste it on the roof of my life as I exhale, life isn’t so hard, just strap in and bleed if I only write the words that rush out like menses I don’t have to think to hard about what they might’ve ment, they’ve already been forgotten at their core. self […]
It’s only been a couple of weeks since we stopped talking and it already feels like months. I feel so lonely now, but overall it’s easier this way. I think about the things that happened a bit less all the time, and I’m not waiting for your emails. But I still think about you every day. I miss the things you said so much. I think about everything bad that happened, and all the reasons our relationship was crumbling away, why it ended and why I shouldn’t get back in touch with you. And I remember all the things you said when we first met. […]
Do you realize how hard it is to smile when all you can think about is killing yourself?
they’re taunting me. i cant sleep without dreaming of him. the way he touched me. god i miss it so much. ive been restless for a few days now. cant grt over him if all i do is dream about him. WHY???!? he has moved on or so i think so. ive moved on but im still stuck.
years on this bitter, sour soil has taught me x amount of useless information.
1). Some hugs feel like thorns.
2). Most breaths are filled with poison.
It’s a pretty shitty thing to think about the way you want to die, and the need to die and the awful way you joke about it to yr friends, making it seem like a fuhkd up joke but in reality you’re asking for help. They know you’re sick. You know you’re sick. Your therapist knows your sick. Also, do your parents. But no matter how much you fight it seems static and thick. It stays. Unmoving. Instead of getting […]