it’s my birthday and I’m as sad as ever. I’m hiding from everyone, ignoring calls and texts. I don’t think my family even knows I’m home right now. 20 years and I have nothing to show for it. Being anything but sad an empty is a foreign feeling for me. I just want to hang myself tomorrow. I doubt I’ll go through with it but I want to. All I want to do is cry. but I’ve cried too much, and I can’t in front of my family. I don’t want to talk about it with them. there’s nothing they can do and they just […]
Tag:
too much
So the other day I was in a kik chat with 35 people who have use or still use SP as a place to vent. A few people recently joined the chat after being away from sp and chat fot at least a year, and they had seemingly moved on with their life. So they were discussing their time they spent here in this community, and I began reading.
The conversation went something like this,
Person 1 – “I’m so glad that time of my life is over…”
Person 2 – “Yeah, we poured so much of ourselves and emotions into SP, it was really hard
There was more […]
I’m back to the knife
not the sharp ones I’m used to
don’t want to cut too deep
but can’t seem to cut deep enough
can’t draw blood
too afraid
too afrad to relapse
needing medical attention
having people worry
seeing the pain in their eyes
but I want to draw blood
not too much
just a little
but I can’t seem to do it
all I make are red marks on my arm
like scratches from a stick
I have a question for those who suffer from social anxiety or variations of such. My question is a matter of how the world is seen to you, through your eyes. For me I want to lay in bed with my eyes closed, alone in my thoughts. I prefer to have someone that I know in the background but they remain just that, in the background. I tend to be aloof though I don’t mean to be… walking around the house can seem overwhelming at times, there is simply too much information. On that front, the world is data to me and I’m […]
some days I think of it less, today is a day that I am unable to give positive confirmation to…, the thought of it is so close, so close…if I were to sit still it would turn me into a fossil. it’s the landscape, it’s the atmosphere, when I breath it in, I can taste it on the roof of my life as I exhale, life isn’t so hard, just strap in and bleed if I only write the words that rush out like menses I don’t have to think to hard about what they might’ve ment, they’ve already been forgotten at their core. self […]
Happened again, caffeine this time would have had more but visitors came so I had to stop, close though. I seem to be lacking a sense of fear now even when my heart hit 200bpm I was not scared. The world seemed to come I’m overwhelming waves of euphoria as well as caffeine I added some oxy, tramadol and seroquel probably evened it out too much. I cannot stop thinking I have never stopped thinking and I always remember I hate it but it’s me I hide it for so long but then I break and I will again it seems an inevitability of me.
The only reason why I haven’t killed myself yet is my mother. She’d be crushed, and I don’t want to hurt anyone because of me killing myself.. I’m probably just going through a “phase”.. Well that’s what I hope… It sucks, I feel like I have a pretty bright future ahead of me: good grades, great Offensive Tackle, But I have basically 3 friends, and one of them is just done with me, and I don’t know how I fucked up so bad.. But some things are too much, my stepdad having stage 3 kidney cancer.. And earlier tonight, my “friend” had just said that […]
im not even supposed to be alive right now. i had planned to kill myself almost two weeks ago now and i dont know why i cant pile up the courage to just do it. everyday i wake up and dying is the only thing i can think about but when it comes to it, its like my body wont let me. and then i wake up the next morning feeling even shittier than the last and i really just cant take this anymore. it feels like the universe wont even let me to but my heart is in physical pain. i was going to […]
I genuinely believe that some people don’t belong in this world. This atmosphere is just too much for us and we need an escape. I am one of those people that just isn’t meant for this environment. I need a different way and I think heaven would be so great. I know it would be great. I just wish I had the courage and strength to go there.
Hey guys,
I am in a rut right now.
I am neither happy nor sad.
Not motivated.
But at the same time i wanna do something.
Like, what the fuck?
I don’t care at all but care a lil too much.
I want to hate a girl i love to forget her.
Like everything i do contradicts something else.
I’m an invalid, sick in bed every day with terrible pain. After surgeries and painful experiments, all the doctors can suggest is to take me off my painkillers and just see what happens, if anything. Which will help how, now? I can’t keep house, I can’t go out, I can’t make love. I can just lie here and weep. This illness has taken away my career, my house, most all of my friends, and my ability to enjoy most anything.
My mother has cancer and her chances aren’t good. I’m too ill to care for her, and even too ill to drive down to visit her. […]
Went on a tinder date. Get this text message afterwards:
Hey. I just wanted to say how great of a person you are. You have a strong personality. You take on and take over quickly. With that being said I must be honest with you. I was having a great time but it was too much too quickly. I enjoyed it but I’m afraid this sort of relationship that we’ll likely develop is something I don’t want. I’m sorry I was too chicken shit to tell you in person but you are very nice and I couldn’t bare to hurt your feelings. I hope you […]
And so, I’ve met my fate
Waiting for the faith
Into action, the contradiction
It didn’t reach this from across
My teacher, what is the master
Disciple, Subdivision of the Green
Division, party
Cost way too much to, Australia
And you from yonder, I failed to you
I’m on my own
Seeking to the totem.
I’ve received alot of love in my time here on this website. I appreciate all the love given my way. None of you know me, but I might as well say that I have decided I will take my life. I don’t know when, but I will. It seems so peaceful. I’m at peace with the decision as well. I think it is what’s best for me, to be honest. I’ve had too much happen to me in 2 years and I’m left with no will/desire to live. I’m going to try to enjoy the time I have here left with friends and then I’m […]
Hi… this is my first post… I’m really young and stupid, but, I’m not interested in telling anyone my real age.
I had a few suicide attempts now, which I had no courage to continue. Yes, yes, suiciding is the coward’s way out, escaping and running away from your problems. But, it’s not as easy as you think it is. Well, I stopped those suicide attempts because I still care for the people around me… I was thinking, “What if they blame themselves because I killed myself? What if they think that its entirely their fault and choise to ruin their lives as well?” I know, […]
I’m not suicidal, but I don’t want to live. If something naturally happened to end my life I would be relieved. I feel like my entire life has been one disappointment after the other. I feel like people shouldn’t have kids if they can’t look after them. I feel like my parents shouldn’t have had me, it was irresponsible. I feel like as a general rule, people are selfish, and through that I have been abused and irreparably damaged. I used to be so excited about things and life and was such a happy kid, but I’ve been through too much now. There is millions […]
First time posting I’m really just looking for places I can get advice without being judged. Yes I am new so just bare with me as I try to explain my story.
It all all started when I was little, I was told I had really bad behaviour problems this was around the age of 5-12 years old. My parents have told me the only way they could make me behave was to slap me, or to punch me just any means they thought was appropriate, I had therapy when I was really young because I used to hit myself, I never mixed with other kids […]
The shadow of darkness is too much to bear.
This life, this misery, must come to an end.
No more will I suffer this nightmare.
Too much is broken, too much to mend.
The demons torture and destroy me in my head.
Here and now this nightmare ends, it’s time to put these demons to bed.
On this day I will live and die.
On this day I say goodbye.
I hate my life, I hate who I am, I hate that I ever existed here. I know full well I will never amount to anything,.my family thinks I’m so smart, and I go along, no I’m not smart…if I was I wouldn’t be in this mess I’m in.
I really don’t deserve this life, I don’t deserve to be alive. I don’t why I’m saying this, I just had a moment of thought. I have alot of time alone and it gives me too much time inside my own head.
There seems to be no way to break this, I see the future as hope…because I […]
I’m new here, I’m here because I came across this randomly while googling.
I’m here because I’m planning on killing myself in a few months.
the reason for this delay is I want to pay off my credit card before I go so as not to leave my family with too much of a burden. I also want to have time to plan my perfect last day.
I’m trying to approach this from the most rational direction possible. If I don’t go through with this I’ve got nothing else. I’m a college dropout working a crap job for nine dollars an hour. I can’t connect with people. My […]