they say im in “la-la land.” i like it here, nobody’s mean to me. am i the happy girl everyone thinks i am? or is that just a shell that covers whats really there. do they think i dont care about not having friends? they could never be more wrong. if anyone knew i was really a depressed, suicidal, freak, than the rejection would be so much worse. i would love to kill myself and see if anyone noticed. even if they did, they wouldnt care. nobody cares. my whole life feels numb. i never really thought of myself as a cutter. i guess i […]
Tag:
Truth
The entire fabricated lie that people believe is transparent to me. I know that i’m not alone in my vision of the truth, but it often times feels that way. I believe this is just another systematic attempt by the powers that be, to remove any possible threats to the status quo.
Regardless of why, the fact is that i feel like dying most every day. I’m a socially retarded fear based being. I don’t value the things that the masses do, thereby effectively isolating myself from everything and everyone.
If i didn’t know love, then i’d be dead by now. the only thing keeping […]
So i just got out of the hospital for overdose about two days ago. Actually it wasnt the hospital it was the er. I spent most of my time there in four point restraints since i kept trying to leave. The only reason i wanted to leave was because i hate being in the crazy section of the er cause thats were the gaurds are and there not so nice. Then they put moved me next to a baby getting a spinal tap in case you dont know what that is its a needle in your spine i still hear the screaming in my […]
I’ve started this post and deleted multiple times since I first logged in. Because the truth is I read the description for schizoid personality disorder but I haven’t been diagnosed, and if I do have it, I probably won’t be diagnosed because there is no way I’m going to talk to someone about this. And no one will probably guess I feel this way because of the way I act. Nearly all the time around other people I can smile, joke, and get along just fine. I don’t feel anxious talking to people and can communicate fine, about things that don’t matter. Work, school, the […]
I’m not perfect and I am by no means trying to say I didn’t do my fair share of. Hurtful thing. But why can you not take any responsibility for your damage you incurred? And why do you have to be so mean and spiteful and down right nasty. Just because something is different doesn’t mean its opposite. nothing is different but everything is unique. a fact is a fact. Cannot be changed but truth is objective. Preception is reality and no one can tell keep it from you. I hate that u won’t allow us to both be right. Its always a battle. […]
The more I know the less I know. I truly know nothing. Life is about living outside one’s self, the world is greater than your perception of it, I know this, believe it, feel it, yet I still feel numb. I feel guilty for what I have and resentful for what I don’t. I’m in constant contradiction. I just cannot fill the void that’s inside me. I know deep down I’m blessed, seeing others, knowing and feeling what others go through only makes me feel lesser than what I am. I’m stuck in thought and just fail to progress. This to shall pass, but is […]
I don’t know who I am, really. I don’t understand myself at times. Sometimes I think about diagnosis too much. Try to fit myself into a label. But the truth is, I’m a human being. I shouldn’t care about ‘what’ I am, I should care more about who I am. So what I lack some things most people have? For most part, I’m just as human as you are. I might be a little more logical than most of you, I tend to only use intellect and not emotions. I might be into some stuff most of you find weird (true crime, for example). But […]
Well, As it began, I was such a fool. Trying to impress the likes of you. You were sixteen years old and I was merely Thirteen. My heart was cold and my eyes were dull. My wrists were cut and my spirits were gone. Â I was a zombie. Simple as that.
One day, I saw your name on the internet, and..something drove me to look. I talked to you for a month.. During which we were the best of friends.. You were hospitalized in Florida. And I was alone in Alabama. When you got out of the place, you came back to my town (where you lived) and […]
I’ve been struggling for so long.
I’ve battled self harm for almost a year now. I can’t stop.
My parents found out, but they don’t know the truth and don’t know how bad it is.
I feel so alone.
I’ve attempted suicide three times. Three fucking times.
None of my friends ask me how I’m doing. Not even my boyfriend asks me anymore.
I’m so alone here. I’m so scared for what I can do to myself.
If I pick up that razor again, I’m afraid I’ll go too deep, cutting something important.
But the sick thing is, I want to.
I do badly want […]
I got the suggestion of having one day of being completely truthful and to be honest…I couldn’t do it. I’m scared of what people think of me and how they will react. I know I should only care about what I think of myself but I don’t and to be honest, who does? So I’ll be honest here, I’m going to vent and say some things that I’ve never told anybody. So I guess here goes nothing:
I lost the love of my life a little over a year ago because I was stupid and screwed up the whole relationship.
I don’t believe in true love anymore […]
So my wife left me about one month ago. She was constantly lying to me. We would agree on something and she would do the total opposite. I would ask her question and know she was lying.
She is 10 years younger than me….and I had more wealth when we got married. She now makes more money than me. She also sign pre-nup before we got married. I brought a house with the money i sold from my apartment and the house is under my name.
Well fast forward a year later…she tells me that she want the house under her name and she won’t help with […]
Today was a great day, celebrated my nephew’s birthday with family and friends. Now I’m home alone and all I can think about is how much I hate being alive. I am drinking knowing that it only makes things worse…but I can’t help it. It gives me the sense that my thoughts are just caused by the alcohol…that it’s not me…but I know the truth. I’m alone…there’s a loaded gun in my drawer. I think about how easy it is to just…
I love my family, I know they love me…I have everything I could ever want, but I don’t…can’t appreciate it all. I just […]
I was thinkin in a way to start telling you the way I feel everyday.But now, right now, I don’t feel good. And I have to explain that because if I don’t say anything it will be worst.
Three years ago, I knew a girl. She is a writer, I love how she write. One year ago, I talk to her for first time. I told her that I liked her. She doesn’t knew me, and I don’t knew her, but it was the truth. Months passed, and we keep talking. I got along with her. Over time, we know each other. I fell in love […]
I’ve felt a change in my emotions lately
A realization
Or
Maybe I’m just remembering.
Coming down from my dillusion
Back into reality.
But more lucid this time around.
Bitterness does not form
Yet happiness is still ages away
Basically a myth now.
These moments when every emotion
Has disappeared completely by reaching its peak
The most anyone could ever feel
Any emotion
Name one.
I can.
Rage.
Enraged.
The feeling of wanting to create a homicidal storm
Or at least stick nails into my own veins
Either way there will be blood
Don’t talk to me for a while
Don’t look at me without […]
I keep a very brave face on. I’m an easy-going person, and most people take me for what they see. Someone who is generally happy, who knows who they are and accepts everything they are as well. And for the times they see me, that’s generally true. The more people I’m around, the more confident I tend to be. The biggest problems they think I have is a lack of sleep, and I put a lot of effort into helping them think that. Someone at work messed up, a harmless mistake, and they were talking about whether I was mad or not. Everyone immediately said […]
God I’m so fucking miserable, so fucking depressed AGAIN. and i’m just sitting here trying to tell myself it’s not ME it’s just in my head. just my messed up brain telling me i’m not okay cuz there’s nothing to be really sad about. unless i think about it. which is easy to do when you’re alone. easy to do when you can never shut your head up.
a couple of nights ago i was just laying in bed waiting for sleep to take me, and instead of thinking about my shitty stupid day i started day dreaming. and in this dream (which part of me […]
Was going to post this last night but got drunk and distracted…
My parents got divorced when I was 7. Both are fantasy-prone, overweight, and hoarders. I was bullied when I was in school. A lot. That’s hard for me to admit because I feel like I’m supposed to be strong. I never wanted my family or friends to know… the few I had. I thought they’d reject me too. I’ve alienated most of my friends now, even the ones that were always nice to me. Maybe I never wanted them to find out what I really am. I’m weak. I’m a loser. I’m dumb and […]
Nobody knows about my current suicide plans. My family knows about the two preteen/teen attempts but they think I’m all better now. Tell people what they want to hear and… you know the rest. The third attempt they may have found out about except my little brother is listed as my contact and well from what he does for a living I KNOW he will not snitch.
My friend was visiting just to see my place. I rarely have visitors but she kept insisting and since we both dig anime, games, the occult, and dark themed tings I consented. Since I rarely have company I really […]
If I had a gun right now, I wouldnt be typing this.. i would be dead. Unluckily for me, I live in Ireland.
There is nothing wrong with my life and nothing that I cant change.I just lack the motivation to do whats best for myself and use my talents. I know where im going wrong but I choose to do nothing. Im the only one at fault, I dont blame the world for my own lack of effort. The truth is that life just bores me… learn to drive, get a job, buy a house, get married, have kids and die. That pretty much […]
Im still sane.
I told my cousin how I’m in love with her and that I think about her all the time, told her my dream where I ask her out which to me shows this love isn’t a horny attempt for a teenager to get laid with his hot cousin.
I believe sometimes that my love for her iss an ill attempt to find love again after being heartbroken by Nycolle. My love is real and not some incest bound love, because if she were anyone else i would fall for her either way. I wish to exchange a kiss so badly and hopefully […]