want
I am drinking a beer. I have dried tears on my distant face. I am reminded of the most severe pain I’ve ever experienced. I have glimpsed into my father’s mind and seen a tiny bit of the damage that relentless emotional damage, drugs and physical pain were causing him: before he decided that he did not want to deal with any of it anymore. “…made me turn to drugs and use the needle and my drug addiction to destroy myself..” “Makes me want to be left alone and not bothered by people.” “My moods are usually controlled by how often I think of my […]
I’ll be fine, less down. going about my day, and WHAM, a sense of despair, of sadness, of desperation strong enough to metaphorically (and sometimes literally) drop me to the ground will slam into me. Just out of nowhere, the pain is so much, too much. I don’t want this anymore. Please, make it stop. If there’s a higher power, if there’s a dash of kindness in the universe, make it stop. Make me stop. Let me die. I can’t handle this. I don’t want to feel this anymore. There isn’t anywhere for me on this […]
I just want to die. I feel so tired of everything. I can’t find any reason to live. I feel miserable. I can’t describe how I hate myself.
When they asked me if you called me on my birthday, I sad yes, cause I knew that if I told them that you didn’t, they would “hate” you and I don’t want that. They don’t have the rights to hate you, I mean you have not do something bad, hurtful and evil to them. So, the only one who would hate you, would be me. Cause all the things you do to me are pure evil, and still I can’t create the feeling of hate towards you. I think of it, but I don’t feel it. My mouth say it but my heart and […]
The only thing that is keeping me alive now is knowing that i don’t have the proper stuff to do it with. yes i studied all the methods but many are not a guarantee. The biggest issue with me is suffering. I don’t want to do it in a way that makes me suffer, or i end up surviving but physically and mentally disabled. For me its not about an attempt, but success. Thought about shotguns and read about the exact place to shoot. but hell sometimes those are not a sure thing. Plus some of those bad boys are expensive and I wouldn’t wanna […]
Tell her i love her
tell her i love her
tell her i love her
tell her i love her
tell her i love her
You never notice how much affection can kill you…litirially, you support her through everything she knows how you feel about her, she understands you and you understand her but yet even in the way you have expressed yourself, your love she doesn’t feel the way you want her to and the love almost seems guilty, you would do anything to get to her heart, betray your friends, lie to her, choose her over everyone else. Even after all the crap you take for her, the […]
sometimes i just really want to be held
i’m laying in bed watching Grey’s Anatomy because I can’t with life. I can’t deal with it, i don’t want to talk to anyone. i don’t want to be anywhere.
I’ve never done anything like this before. I guess I’m just looking for anything or anyone to save me. I’ve been depressed all my life. Things have happened and everyone seems to always try and justify them..along with myself. I tried so hard to push it the back of my mind , I just want to forget it all. It’s always something happening, and I can’t escape for any of it. I feel stuck. I’m drowning my own self. I’m loosing this battle . It’s scary. I always think that maybe one day I’ll just have enough…and I’ll loose. It scares the living shit out […]
I feel bad again. Those bad thoughts so many times a day. On meds. Guess I’m just screwed up. I just want to sleep! World, let me please!
OK so im 16 an I do pain pills and I cut myself, and I know one day i am going to be so sad that im going to take all the pain pills I have and be done with this messed up world. So, I have to start pushing people away. I don’t want anyone to be sad when I die. I don’t want anyone to attend my funeral. I don’t want anyone to cry. I don’t want anyone to care. I’m worthless, stupid, and a waist of space. I already hurt the people I love, so let’s just start pushing everyone away so […]
the only thing that’s been keeping me here so far is my family, and the chance that they would really go through a lot of pain and grief if i died. but lately i find that living for other people is not enough anymore. i’m barely hanging on as it is. each days gets more and more hopeless. more and more i just want to end it, and sometimes i doubt the people in my life would really mourn me all that much anyway.
I think about myself and the world but l can’t understand why we are here then l decided until I’m alive never,never think about this things again.
Even though my life is like a black hole and l want die but life doesn’t stop
But when i was near to the death my friend from the school give me a message about their music concert
I don’t want go but he insisted and l think that is not bad to do something new therefore while i wasn’t sure about that, l went and when it began my heart began to throb, Music is wonderful it’s my reason for […]
I’m a piece of shit. All I do is manipulate people, all day, all the time. It’s so easy to get people to do exactly what you want. Working in sales, getting promoted at work, constantly getting people to lend me money, favors, it’s way too easy. I really needed money the other day so I told myself I would get this chick that likes me at work to offer me the money without even asking, it worked, and I walked home laughing about it. I don’t have the emotions I used to, it’s fuckn weird. Getting chicks into bed is probably the easiest. It’s […]
I was raised to think that depression and suicide were selfish acts committed in the despair and hollowness of one’s own soul based on their selfish desires. My mom gave me this idea. Strange, seeing how she used to be suicidal.
I have seen the families of suicide victims first hand. They rot away until they are dead themselves. Mere skins of the people they once were. And I feel selfish.
Why do I want to put my family through that? Why do I want to take my own life just because it would benefit me? Went to church today and the preacher was talking about […]
But even if they understood, it wouldn’t make a difference. The damage is done.
They want to know what’s wrong. When I tell them, they don’t get it.
They offer concern, but it is really just curiosity and discomfort. I don’t know how to fake it.
If you were supposedly being fooled by everyone around you and only you were the one that was gawked at? What would you do if you felt as though your every thought, feeling, written or spoken statement, action, and the like were all being not just recorded by thouse trying to hurt you but judged as well? How is it that you would deal with the fact that at not quite 40 years old, you feel worn down, exhausted, used up, and spent? If you felt like your entire exsistance was spent on a completely uphill journey at full steam ahead and you were just […]
the person you knew is dead
let go of who i am now but never forget who i was
why won’t you call
any of you
i’m just tired of being forgotten
i’m not doing this to hurt you
but i want you to hurt
my mind really meant to me. I spent the majority of my teen and adolecent years concerned with how I looked, what I wore, who I spent time with and so on. My educaiton was never a really huge concern of mine (although I did care if I was able to get the higher marks on my sudies along with my peers) but I did okay as far as all of that went. Even into my 20’s I wasn’t as concerned with what I knew as much as I was with what I was doing at the time.
Now, here I am in my late […]