I have been severely depressed for several years. I began to think I was bi polar because it would be unbearable for a few months then it would be manageable for a few months then unbearable for a few years etc etc. However apparently with bipolar you get to feel maniacally happy for a small period of the time. Lucky bastards. I broke up with the first person I ever truly loved, due to an occurrence of cheating (on his part) which broke me. Up until this point, I had been getting better. Slowly becoming more active and happier. He managed to destroy my entire […]
Tag:
wanted
My life is shit for many reasons and i am destined to suffer until the last second that i will live in this hell. And the worst thing is that i honestly believe that i don’t deserve this kind of life. I was always a good person, respected & help others and NEVER done anything bad to anyone. So why i am living this hell? I want to enjoy what others are enjoying… but instead i will never have a girlfriend because i am so fucking short, ugly and child looking, i will never have a family and i will become a fucking miserable 80 […]
Today in therapy I learned a few things about myself. As a child, I was never taught kindness, or how to love. I raised myself and my little brother. My mom was always sleeping, or couldn’t care less. The little she did for us, some cooking and laundry, she’d complain about, scream about it. She is a ticking time bomb we’d have to tiptoe around, avoiding the next explosion. As unpredictable as she is, it somehow was always my fault, she was never in the wrong. What could a 4 year old have done to have my mom scream at me every day before school? […]
Today makes 11 years since i last saw you. 11 whole years since i walked out of your apartment and got into mom’s car. 11 years since you followed me out to tell me you loved me. 11 years since i last looked at you standing in front of me, 11 years since you loaded a gun and ended our lives. i swear i went with you when you died. who i was back then, that girl that loved life and people. that girl that wasnt full of sadness so deep that it literally radiates out into physical pain. i wonder what i would be […]
I keep bouncing back and forth on what to think of you. I want to see you for the person you really are. How you avoided me and just walked away when you saw me, how you didn’t come in to pick me up from the police station, how when I pushed you away physically when we were having sex and obviously was uncomfortable, but you kept going, and finally rolled over annoyed, sleeping at opposite ends of the bed, how you probably had sex with other girls while you were doing “business” and crawled back into my bed every single night. The thought of […]
I wish she could tell me that I can die id die a million deaths for her that statement would be met quickly with my death then she could go on with her horrible boyfriend and have a family I’d stop hurting and annoying people my thoughts and actions are unforgivable even if she left him my future with her wouldn’t be good enough I’d hold her back all I ever wanted in my life was the marines to die in battle she changed that but I’m not certified for shit I have no intention going to college I’ll just hold her back she deserves […]
I have done many substances in my short 22 years on this planet , overdosing several time. From coke to pills , but by far the easiest was heroin.
my friend shot me with a huge dose and I immediatley lost all connection with reality. I could not feel my body I could hardly see , I couldn’t hear or taste . My senses were literally taken from in an instant. You would think this sensation would he scary but thankfully I remained somewhat oblivious to my state. Looking at the panicked expression on my friends faces. My conscious was pushed to the back of my […]
I get a lot out of this website. I remember during my darkest years I never wanted to talk about suicide with anyone even though it was the only thing on my mind. I never wanted to talk to them because I felt like their first reaction would be to talk me out of it. I’m not at all angry at them for reacting this way. I know they loved me and they didn’t want to lose me but I never wanted to talk about suicide because….I don’t know. Maybe because they would never see it as an option. Because they would have their own agenda. […]
Not that I have access to a gun of course as I live in England! .. Anyway, up until a week or so ago, I THOUGHT I had successfully over come the curse of the black ending which is suicide. I don’t think I had really considered it for about a year, which was really something for me as I spent 4 or 5 years previously to that engulfed in seesaw suicide battles of which at times really brought me to my knee’s, crying against the wall etc…
Anyway, I think this turn for the worst was brought on by a supposed friend who over the […]
I’ve always felt like a failure. Never good enough. I feel so empty inside. My mother always saw me as weak and my father, well I don’t know. I always wanted to make my family proud. I was raised to do better than my parents, but I’m not enough, just a failure….i have 3 beautiful daughters and it hurts my heart that I am even considering taking my life….it’s selfish, they need me and I need them, but I am not enough. People have hurt me, abused me, and have broken me..there is nothing left. All I ever wanted was to be loved, but as […]
It’s been 16 years and life already feels like it should be over. I want out. But at the same time I’m scared….because I don’t know what happens next! I hate the unknown. Going will kill my Mum and she’s already on the edge – all I care about – but it will give me relief.
I want to go because as I quote from Footloose: “I have been so lost. I’ve been losing my mind! And you don’t even see it. You don’t even care”. I’m not who I want to be and I can’t be that person because I’ve left […]
I would find it hard for anyone to answer that question with a definitive no. Some thing as small as a good:book, movie, meal, or drug, is enough to make you happy, even if only temporarily. I feel happy when I’m around people who laugh at my jokes, and when I’m able to help those closest to me. I’m also happy when I’m: high, drunk, fucking, and cutting, but that is more a happiness centered on the basest of pleasures. Lastly I would say I’m most happy when jamming on the piano or singing. I realize I have a lot more in my life than […]
Hello to everyone out there reading this post. I posted what I thought would be my last post nearly 3 weeks ago now. I posted and then went on my last walk to the forsest preserve where I was to die. Had all the supplies in my bag, I was ready for it all to be over. I had finally felt this level of peace that I hadnt felt in over a decade. I was happy that it was finally almost over…..
Well obviously it didnt go according to plan as the branch must have snapped and I woke up on the forest floor. I immediately […]
So I decided to ask my mom if I could get happy pills. And so I’m talking with my doctor sometime this week to get prescribed. I decided to wait to see if I needed therapy – well, more of “wanted” therapy. I’m going to try taking small steps first to see how much help I really need, because at this point, I just don’t know anymore. Is it a good idea to work myself into this, or should I just push myself into therapy???
Hi, everyone.
The past couple months for me have been the same as before: sad. Then I realized something today, I can actually change my life, like maybe I’ve actually just missed this big solution to all my problems and now, I can finally be happy, or something.
Generally, people think I’m ‘chill’, and I guess I am, on the outside that is. On the inside, I have great turmoil. You see, I’m a very pessimistic person. Small offhand comments can stay with me for weeks, months, or even years. I’m always told to start ‘thinking positive’, and I’ve tried but it never works, or maybe it’s […]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=luM6oeCM7Yw – Mogwai – Take Me Somewhere Nice
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kWQywgdW8oI – Kate Havnevik – Grace
I just wanted to share this, I can’t be the only who gets into a state of peace and serenity when listening to music.
These are two of my favorites, it may help or not, but I just want to share it.
maybe it’l help you cry
maybe it will help you in some other way.
Just stay quite,
just listen.
hello everybody.
what would you do if…?
your partner wanted to go his own way, live his own way, cut all the links with people he has known and live as a hermit, wanderer in the forests far away from the human noise?
He was just about to do it when we first met. He’s a man-hater and says he could live without people happily. He despises the whole system, machinery, life full of bans, laws, taxes and doctors.
He often reminds me of his wish and lately, I have been feeling worthless and an idea came to my mind: If I weren’t here, he could have fulfilled his […]
This world is boring , boring world . why movies, games, anime/manga, fantasy / imagination is better than this world / better than life / real life / real world / reality ?
by niki
written by niki
I hate this world .
This world is so boring , boring world !
Why movies , games , anime / manga, & fantasy / imagination is better than this world / better than life / real life / real world / reality ?
everyday life is the same : wake up, eat, go to school/work, boring, then go back home, eat, then sleep, then repeat again.
but movie / game / anime / manga / comics / books are much more exciting & interesting than this boring life !
for example: like in the world / universe of Harry Potter, Avatar, Lord of the Rings, […]
After a suffering childhood with to much suicide attempts and other violence in my family i at age 5 landed in shock. Child protection came in after my sisters suicide attempt but my parents kept there dirty laundry for them self they did not explain what was happening just blamed the kids. Child protection did not see i was in shock thought i was stupid and hard to handle. At age 6 they dumped me by trick in closed house of correction for the aggressive retarded children. 5 Years there with all the torture really fucked me up for life. It was not the beatings it was […]
Around two years ago I saw an anime (some kind of cartoon) that change my point of view completely and made my think all the time about “serious” stuff such as life.
I didn’t know what to do with myself, I had so much thoughts inside my head and nothing to do with them.
I kept all of that inside me and shared with a few friends I met for a game, but even with them I didn’t share to much.
Around two months later, I started to talk with my big brother, and I felt he understands me and I felt comfortable to talk with […]