My gender kind of really gets me down, which causes me to freak out and cut, to feel a little bit better. And I feel like I don’t want to live if I don’t know who I am, and I can’t live like this much longer.
I identify as genderfluid or genderflux, but use she/her pronouns in everyday life (mainly because no-one knows). I hate the fact that I don’t feel I can be open about my gender, because of my family. They’d be okay with it, but I just wouldn’t want them to treat me differently.
I don’t know whether I want to start […]
Tonight. Tonight of all nights I feel it. It haunts me. The presence. My trachea’s shadow. My personal emotional python of darkness asphyxiating my throat chakra with deep blue sorrow. I’ve felt it my whole life. Hence eternal. But on day seems like eternity trapped in this anatomical sarcophagus. Living, breathing; I don’t know what that’s like. The deeper it gets the less control I have over any of it. Scared doesn’t cut it but then again, terrified doesn’t slice it either.
Like a furball of the most vile, putrid emotion all encased, locked and trapped in my throat. Unable to express so it depresses […]
I’m struggle to let the real me be free and not be this person who I am now that is consumed with anger and resentment, negativity, and ignorance. I’m trying hard to be a better person, I want to be kind to others and be nicer to my parents, but it’s hard when people around me treat me poorly and when my parents don’t respect me and put me down. How am I suppose to be the person I want to be when I’m surrounded by negativity, judgements, and downers? I feel like taking my antidepressants again, even though they make me feel like […]
I am over living. I feel empty. I see other people smiling and being happy and I feel nothing. I feel like ending my life and disappearing. The only things i feel is sadness and pain. My family is threatening me if I don’t stop cutting they are sending me back to the hospital. I know they are trying to help but I like being sad and I like cutting. I have only felt sadness and pain and I am afraid if I keep living I am going to kill who I am because just being alive hurts. I want to be me when I […]
I’m confused on what’s going on, my dad gets mad at me for wearing makeup, my mom gets mad at me for the clothes I wear (skinny jeans and sweaters) she gets mad at me for the way I do my hair (straighten or curl) I do these things Becuase it makes me feel confident on who I am but to my parents, they put me down about it, they say my hair looks gross and that my makeup sucks and that I would be prettier if I wore dresses…is pleasing myself bad for them??
Hey everyone. It’s good being back here. Possibly the only place (non-physical of course) I can share how I feel from my point of view with complete honesty and no negative repercussions. I know all of the people who read this post don’t give a flying fuck what a kid in Iowa’s going through, and I don’t blame you. Most of the time I just like to ignore it all and forget who I am, how pathetic my life is, and how useless it all is. Death is inevitable, the only thing that is a constantly changing variable between people is when they die, and […]
I hate my life, I hate who I am, I hate that I ever existed here. I know full well I will never amount to anything,.my family thinks I’m so smart, and I go along, no I’m not smart…if I was I wouldn’t be in this mess I’m in.
I really don’t deserve this life, I don’t deserve to be alive. I don’t why I’m saying this, I just had a moment of thought. I have alot of time alone and it gives me too much time inside my own head.
There seems to be no way to break this, I see the future as hope…because I […]
As I type this, I’m sitting on a beach completely alone. I have no one, in the very end I’m alone. Friends are hanging out, couples are walking the beach holding hands, how did I end up like this? What is wrong with me that I have no one? I can’t be that unlikable i hope. Is god punishing me or something?. I met a girl, long distance though, though she really don’t like me for who I am, just for what I am. Can I not find any one real? Everyone is so fucking fake. Well I better get used to it, this is […]
A while ago I made the commitment to myself that if I can not change my state of mind, my hate of myself, and find the release needed to deal with this pain… I would get what I always wanted for my birthday.
Have been working really hard at being mindful of my thoughts. Why I feel that way, what causes it, and who is the biggest influence in my life.
Reaching out, puts so much on that person I love, how can they be honest?!? Know my thoughts good and bad, and know what needs to change, but who I am won’t allow it.
Can’t help but […]
This post is about a girl..
For the first time since my fiancé left, I’ve found myself between a rock and a hard place. I’ve been fortunate enough to date a couple girls since then, but they weren’t meant to be with me for various reasons.
I’ve spent too much time making friends in a bar atmosphere. I’ve questioned my own confidence and let go of a lot of insecurities. I’ve learned what I should say and not say, what is relevant and what is and is not who I am.
I still need to fix myself and get my shit together.. but […]
I really don’t know who to talk to about this or where to go but lately especially my life has been so disastrous?? I’ve felt soooo isolated lately. More so than usual. I have no friends to rely on. No boyfriend. My mom hates me and I can’t stand her, and the only family who I am close to live overseas and I’m unable to get in touch with them. The fact that I have social anxiety puts a strain on everything so much more. I’m so so so terrified to get a job, but I need to get out of this house, I can’t live […]
Everyone needs a hero in their life.. and sometimes the world just doesn’t hold enough of them. When times get rough and darkness takes over..there doesn’t seem to be anyone left to take the next step and face the relentless evil that continues to war against the humanity we try so very hard to protect.
That’s when the best of us all must surface..to lay their life on the line for the rest.
If you could shed this mortal coil and become more in this life.. who would you be? What hero would surface to do battle against the darkness?
DeadLeaf is the hero I’ve created to […]
I don’t have any friends.
I don’t have anyone.
I’ve never had a girlfriend.
I’ve never had sex.
I’ve never had a job.
I’ve never kissed.
I never take risks.
I never try doing something.
I hate myself.
I despise myself.
I loathe myself.
Never asked for this.
Never wanted to be brought into this world.
I don’t wanna live.
I don’t wanna suffer.
People can be happy, just not me.
Life is beautiful, just not mine.
Life has a meaning and a purpose, I’ll just never be able to fulfil it.
I care to what people think about me.
I’m an attention whore.
I want to be accepted.
I want to fit in.
I want to be just like everyone else.
I’m a selfish bastard.
I like to compare […]
My life has been layed out for me since I got out of middle school. “Take these classes” “Join this” “volunteer there” and I never had a say in anything. Recently I just got a tattoo. I am now a high school graduate. My mom found out and all hell broke loose. Of course being the person that I am I just sat there took all the beatings, and verbal abuse because in her mind I ruined myself. She told me to stop hanging out with everyone I’m friends with, don’t contact them anymore, and she took away my chance to go to Virginia for […]
Sometimes I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. Like I’m bipolar. Or something worse. I feel like I lost myself. This isn’t the person I remember being.
Or is it?
“I’ve grown used to the depression. I’ve grown used to the emptiness. “
I’m tired. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t know who I want to be.
I’ve gotten used to the depression; the anxieties; the empty feeling; the voices. That’s how I ‘live’.
If I do make it out alive, how am I supposed to live? This is the only way I know how to ‘live’.
I am not afraid of death but afraid of life.
“Yeah. I’m fine. Just tired”
“No. I’ll be okay.”
“Yeah. It is a nice day.”
“I’m happy.”
These are a few of the lies
The ones we tell all the time
Thes are a few short lines
From a book we continue to write
We don’t want them to see
For fear that they too will leave
So we hope and pray that we fit
And all the while faking it
I don’t know who I am
I don’t know what I want
I don’t know what […]
The title explains who I am. The list of things wrong with me doesn’t stop at the age of 18. -Do nothing every single day my entire life but play video games. -Eat nothing but fast food. -have 0 friends. […]
I will NEVER love myself. I can’t ever picture myself being confident or happy with who I am and happy with how I look. I hate every single thing about myself. I hate my eyes, I hate my hair, I hate my nose, my mouth, my chest, my body, my legs, everything. I hate everything. I can’t even live with myself at this point. I honestly can not picture ever being okay with myself, so if I’m going to live such a miserable life, why am I even alive?
I remember when the thought of cutting myself scared me. Suicide had crossed my mind once or twice, but i never contemplated it seriously. Now, I cut nearly every day, and I’ve attempted suicide twice. I look in the mirror and i don’t know who I am anymore, I used to be truly happy but now I’m just numb and empty. No one notices the bruises on my body put there by someone else, maybe they do notice annd don’t seem to care.