My brokenness has cost me the man who matters most and has isolated me from my children. There is no way to rebuild. There is too much work and I don’t have the strength. I am so scared. I am a coward. A trashy piece of worthless wasted air.
I don’t trust anyone, especially myself. I hid razor blades throughout the house. Figured that was a smart thing to do. ha ha ha
What the fuck was the point of this existence?
Wednesday – my official day off. My daughter works at the same office so I dragged myself out of bed and drove her to work. I would usually stop for a bite to eat on the way home but I’ve felt like puking for three days so I just went home, back to bed and waited for the sun to make my room too hot to tolerate again.
I ran out of pain meds days early so the “rationing” has me fighting withdrawal again. I don’t see the quacktitioner until Friday and the HMO I have wants all their patients off pain meds so thy don’t […]
Well, wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t at the end of my figurative rope. What do you do, if life just ain’t… fun… anymore? Nobody gives a damn about you. You got nobody to vent to, to talk to… Except the anonymity of the internet… Sure, your sick dad, wife, and kids all DEPEND on you… But they take you for granted day after day. And your elderly dad, you realize, never did jack shit for you… You were an inconvenience to him and your mother…an accident, she gladly told you her whole life. He never took time off from work for you, yet now […]
I worked myself stupid last year for an organization that was going under. I literally spent 56 hours working with no breaks and no sleep. You would think that the women who profited from my work, would spare an hour to come to my birthday celebration? Fuck. They don’t even have to come for an hour. Just show up and say hi. That’s all. I really wish I could articulate how hurt I am that I will be spending my 21st birthday…alone. What is the point of working hard on relationships if there is no gain to them? Why kill myself worrying over if i’m […]
So I am not currently trying to kill myself, well as of now that is not the plan. I’ve been starving myself for about a week and a half so that I can feel how bad it hurts, if things work out perfectly I’ll be near death and in excruciating pain before I eat anything. Things are actually going good , I was 105lbs when I started and today I am at 97lbs when I stand I get dizzy and my stomach is constantly growling but I actually have completely lost my appetite the smell of food makes me nauseas and I’m so fatigued that […]
yep im a daddy im happy yes but heres the wondaful cach when she figerd it out she became deprest freeked out and now shes broken up with em thinking im going to be angrey i told her its her body she can do as shes pleases so if she dos keep it or get rid of it (i hate refering to it as it but idk how els to say genderless child) im going to be there ither way the problem is i love her i love her with all my heart i whant to make it work between up but she whont exsept […]
Why me? That’s the question I kept asking myself.
Typically, it should be why not. Why me is due to me allowing such scenarios to happen. Being blinded to such apparent situations and then blaming myself for being stupid in dismissing the very fact I later loathe to witness.
At my age I thought I would be wiser and stronger. I’m 37 and went through a breakup – the only one relationship I had so far. When I was 22years old and when one of working colleague confessed his love to me, I said yes without much thought. He’s a friend, and I trusted him.
After 6 months […]
As many of us do, I want to commit suicide. Always have since I was about ten years old. I’m 21 now. I have a plan. I have the materials I require. I have my two, short notes written out and sealed in envelopes. But there’s a problem. See, I work at a hospital every other week. And the week that I don’t work there I do home health care with a family that I’m very close to. I know I can’t commit suicide on a whim because I can’t just not show up for work the next day. I’d have to actually plan a […]
Life is a depressing experience. Each day at college, I feel like I’m being forced against my will to conform to society. I’m only going to college because it’s either that, work for no reason, or suicide (such great choices). Seriously, there is no reason for me to work because I don’t want life. I’ve thought I might want a boyfriend, but I’ve never had one, and why bother? Relationships never last, and I’ve been told that I’m too sick to have one (so I guess I’m also unworthy of love). I don’t look forward to anything after college, or life in general. To be […]
How pathetic is that? I’m just in SO much pain, I can’t imagine how much longer I can survive to exist feeling this much excruciating pain. I just took a bunch of pills (to sleep) so here’s hoping they work. I cannot stand to endure this terrible level of pain much longer.
Never sat down and wrote anything before so I said why not I’m 36 blk m when I write can’t believe I made it this long life hAs not been to hard worked since I was about 22 Always tried to stay stress free just going with the flow of things this last year has been the hardest been out of work about 9 months lost my job like so many others then watched my self fall apart losing everthing but my self now as I watch myself go I guess it will be cool to go out on my own terms giving up […]
I just registered here to have somewhere to share. Tonight was a close call. Extremely close. It made me realize I need help badly, but I have nowhere to turn but the internet, so here I am.
It all started a little over a year ago. My landlord handed me an eviction notice because I was 3 months behind on rent. Then he handed my wife a note telling her about how it was all my fault. We were already having marital problems, mostly because of the financial hardships we’d landed in, and that just made it worse.
We managed to find a crappy little trailer to […]
I cannot believe it but I’m at the point where I’m just willing to accept my death. if it comes tomorrow, day after, in the next 5 years even better!Some people say it gets better. for me it never has and now that i’m tired of hoping and trying to work so it does. I am willing to accept that death will be better than this existence. i dont know about afterlife, rebirth and shit. what happens then is another chapter but for now.. Death! i welcome you!
So today I buried the man who was the closest thing to an actual father I had, and at the funeral my asshole of a stepfather who wasn’t half the man my uncle was, had the nerve to come talk to me about what I should or shouldn’t do with my uncles estate. It took every ounce of restraint not to knock his ass on the ground and pulverize him. Afterwards he begins to walk around and talk to people about his work. News flash, it’s a funeral. No one gives a shit about what you have to talk about. People are mourning the loss […]
Tell me, what’s so great about being at college, this fucking college life? It’s suppose to be the best time of your life and since I’ve been here, this has been the worst 2 weeks probably in my life. Before I left to come here, do I dare say I was happy? I think that’s what happiness was, being surrounded by people who love you, don’t make you question their intentions and people who are around you just for the sake of enjoying your company. We didn’t really do much, we constantly just sat around smoking weed and talking, enjoying being with one another, but […]
I was 21 when I first had suicidal thoughts. I was struggling at college, and had frequent migraines. The first time was really upsetting -how could I imagine doing that to myself? I kept going, and even managed to finish college. I got a job, and constantly worried that people would see me as not good enough, and wouldn’t want me around. It was hard to sleep. I would agonise over mistakes I could make. I changed job, and things got worse. I had a manager who was passive aggressive and a supervisor who was cruel, insulting us at every opportunity. I attempted suicide twice […]
I’ve vaguely researched the effects of depression on the body. Most of it is things I know just from being depressed for so long. Like when you’re depressed, you have body aches, fatigue and so forth. I’m wondering if that could be the cause of my migraines. It’s more than that though. I feel like my body is shutting down. I wonder just how much the mind communicates with the body. Obviously there’s a link, but I think it’s a lot more than what I’ve read or learned over the years. I don’t think they understand the full impact depression and anxiety have on the […]
Part of my diagnosis is PTSD. I didn’t know that until today’s session. What else do I have to fucking work through?
end rant
to try to open up to her? Like seriously, I asked her about it, but she had no interest at all to talk about it. “I don’t want to talk it.” I hate you, whoever told me to do this 🙁 She was nice about it though. She wasn’t upset or rude or anything, I guess she just thinks I’m not the person to talk to about stuff like that.
Btw, I asked our running instructor for her email, and she emailed me her skype account and we chatted a few times over the last few weeks. I have no idea how she thinks about me, […]
I don’t like to talk on the phone, just text, and I love sending pics! I have so many of all kinds, funny, depressing, everything.
email me tawneesmommy@gmail.com
I am often lonely if I’m not at work
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