When I got laid off in January I quit all my psych meds except for occasional Xanax for job interviews. I thought I was finally helping myself after years of being a zombie. I was proud of myself and thought the hardest part was over. Wrong. I saw my shrink yesterday and told her I still suffer from extreme nausea and only Xanax and getting drunk makes it go away. She pointed out that my hands were also shaking. She then pointed out the obvious that I have been in denial of. I’m an alcoholic and when my body isn’t drunk or medicated I now […]
Tag:
Wrong
My guilty sentiments are very vulnerable.
Everything makes me feel guilty.
From the smallest things like knocking over a pencil,
To blaming myself for the Holocaust,
I don’t kid.
I am burdened with my own blame. My own Guilt.
Everything makes me guilty.
I am the cause of everything bad and I deserve to die horribly.
What the most recent experience? Take ten seconds ago. A peer at my school e-mailed me asking what questions we had to do for class. I wish I wrote down her parts on my paper, not just mine. But I only wrote my parts, because its only my responsibility, right?
Wrong.
I’m a selfish bastard who only considered myself […]
Hey guys… long time no see. It’s been months since I’ve been on here…. months spent thinking. Thinking that I was getting better. Thinking that the old Sam was gone. The one whose depression conquered her on a daily basis. The one who ran to her knife for comfort. The one who never knew what a nigt in peace was like.
Wrong.
So damn mother fucking wrong.
Hahahaha life is a cruel joke my loves. It wants you to live but gives you all the cards to die. I hope you are all doing better than me. I hope to see some familiar faces on here soon… […]
Oh come on, you can tell me, I’m this random person on the internet who you’ll never meet right? Wrong. For all we know we’re bumping into each other regularly but we don’t know, why? Because this thing inside us all doesn’t have a face besides ours. We give it life, a body, and a soul to torture. I know I do. I’ve met people out there who I’d love to have a deep conversation with but the thing is that isn’t an option for a great majority of us. Most of us go floating through our lives until we bump into another, like abandoned […]
I have to get out of this state. I need a fresh start. I need something new. Something stable. I want to find love again and I’m not going to find that if I’m misserable. I need to love myself before I can love anyone else and I’m trying so hard to make that happen. I Have to find a way to support myself before I can leave. That’s the fun part. Right? Wrong. Getting a job in a new state isn’t easy. But I have to. I need this. Am I wrong for moving so far away from my mom after all she’s done […]
I don’t know how I do it. I think I’m different from a lot of people on here. I’m mostly happy. I have a house and truck and a cat and a business. And a wife. She means more to me than anything has ever meant to me. We’re so good together, the perfect team. Except we fight. A lot. When I get passionate about something I really dig in my heels and so does she so we clash. I have a temper, a bad one. I’ve been blowing up at people when they push me as long as I can remember. I work on […]
I have been cutting for about three months now. I cut my wrists, legs and stomach. I have been very good at hiding them, at least I thinks so, but now I have a problem. I’m sick therefore not going to school and left alone at home for the day. My mom’s friend is a doctor and my mom asked her to come over and check upon me, find out why I’m sick and how to recover. I’m so scared that the doctor is going to make me undress, because I’ve been to doctors loads of times before I started self harming and many times […]
It may look like we have everything
Everything should be perfect so you can live the best life….
Wrong
Sometimes all you need is support and happiness
I can tell for some people, they have all that
As for me
I just want to be happy…
I’m sorry, mom
I’m sorry, dad
I’m sorry, friends
I’m sorry, Family
I’m sorry, body
I’m sorry, mind
I’m sorry, teachers
I’m sorry, voice
I have failed all of you at one point… or every day.
Mom: I’m sorry I am not like my brother, I’m not made of gold and jewels. I am not skinny, smart, good looking, or good at anything. I am sorry I am failing school, I am sorry you are embarrassed to call me your daughter. I am sorry that you are ashamed to be in public with me because I am not thin like all the other girls. I am sorry I don’t do make-up and my hair, […]
Misinformation. Misinformation will raise your hopes and when you’re about to cash in those hopes and make them reality; bam. You search the internet better than you did the last time you wanted to commit suicide and, will you look at that, turns out suicide by pills isn’t as peaceful as you thought. Wait, wait… what? You won’t go to sleep and never wake up again? Hollywood misdirected you? How dare those movies make it seem so simple? Oh, what’s that? You might throw up violently? Your head will feel close to exploding? B-but—IT’LL FEEL LIKE YOU’RE LIVER’S BEING RIPPED OFF YOUR INSIDES AS IT’S […]
I haven’t left my apt in days, not since last Sunday. Â I’ve run out of real food and have been subsisting on potato chips and other really bad junky food. Â :/ Â Feel such crap about my life and me being depressed and not getting out isn’t helping. Â I guess I’m too chicken to want to face the world. Â So I hide in my little broken world. Â Don’t want to see normal functioning people out and about, especially those annoyingly happy people. Â Been sleeping during the day and awake all night. I’m barely functioning.
I’m tired of life… Â 🙁
I have posted on this subject before but wondered who new may be willing to share their despair and/or dying songs. Â I hope, intend to terminate my time here with a damn good soundtrack blasting into my ears.
Eddie Vedder – Guaranteed, Far Behind, Society (from Into the Wild soundtrack)
Jeff Buckley – Hallelujah
Green Day – 21 Guns
REM – Try Not To Breathe
REM- I Wanted to Be Wrong, Why Not Smile
Crowded House – Weather With You
Yo Yo Ma and Alison Krauss – Simple GiftsÂ
THANKS for any suggestions everyone, I appreciate it.
I’m sorry, mom.
I’m sorry I fail to meet your expectations every day, I’m sorry I’m not doing well in school.
I’m sorry I’m not thin, or athletic, or pretty enough for you to be proud of me.
I’m sorry I am so torn up inside, I’m sorry I have chronic depression.
I’m sorry I don’t talk and walk like the girl you wish I were.
I’m sorry I have different opinions on what is worth my time.
I’m sorry I don’t do everything right the first time.
I’m sorry I can’t function correctly.
I’m sorry I am sad most of the time, I’m sorry I am a lot to handle.
I’m sorry I’m […]
I’ve had depression for a number of years. My parents work all the time and I wouldn’t consider my family to be close anyway so i’ve always been independent. When I was 11, my dad left my mum because she was an alcoholic but came back after 3 months. My mum lied to me for years about how he had left for another women but no..it was because of her and I was only told this 4 months ago. I’m not really close to anyone. I literally don’t care about anything anymore. It makes me laugh how even my dad thinks I’m not depressed, he […]
right now as i write this im crying tears, and i dont know why. I want to tell my mom that i cut and that i am slowly falling apart, but if i do how will i be the strong perfect big sister and daughter that everyone thinks i am? I love my sisters with all of my heart, but.im going to break soon, and i dont want them to see it. I also dont want to call someone or some organization, because i know that i will probabaly just get put on hold. But i guess thats life? That brings me to a new […]